- Huey Freeman: Maybe there are forces in this universe we don't understand. But I still believe we make our own miracles.
- Uncle Ruckus: People say to me 'Ruckus'. I say 'Huh, who said that?' They say 'How do I make it to White Heaven?' Well, start by askin' yourself 'How is my relationship with the white man?' Do you celebrate the white man's goodness every day? Do you stop and thank the white man for the food you eat and the clothes you wear? Huh? Well, if you don't, you goin' to Hell. Now, I want everybody who isn't white to turn to a white person and say 'Thank you'.
- Tom Dubois: [Tom puts his hand on a white man's shoulder] Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Uncle Ruckus: Well, there are those of you who say I'm a racist. There are those of you who say I'm wrong for hatin' niggas. Well, I call y'all ALL hypocrites! 'Cause each and every one of you can name ten niggas you hate right now if you had to!
- Tom Dubois: I never thought about it like that. There's Tyrone... Leon... Oh! Eddie!
- Uncle Ruckus: You don't have to admit it. That's OK. 'Cause I know you done already counted off five niggas in yo' head! You're like 'I hate that nigga Jamal! Oh, I hate Otis! I can't stand Usher!'
- Tom Dubois: Oh my God, he's right! I hate Usher, too!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What?
- Tom Dubois: He's right. I think I hate black people!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [whispering] Tom, stop being stupid!
- Tom Dubois: No, I think I hate 'em all. I don't like Puffy! I don't like Kobe! I don't like...
- [stands up]
- Tom Dubois: I don't like any of 'em!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Tom, snap out of it! Come on, we're leaving.
- [stands up]
- Uncle Ruckus: That's right! Somebody out there is feelin' the spirit!
- Tom Dubois: I am! I am! I feel it!
- Uncle Ruckus: If you black of skin and full of sin, come forward so I may lay my hands on you.
- [slaps a black man]
- Uncle Ruckus: Black be gone!
- [slaps black woman]
- Uncle Ruckus: Praise White Jesus!
- [slaps another black man]
- Uncle Ruckus: Now, I want everybody to find the nearest black man and lay hands on him. But first, make sure your hand is balled up in a fist so you can beat the black outta his soul. God smiles when you hate blackness so you beat that darkie in the name of the Almighty! Hallelujah!
- [the whole congregation starts beating each other. Granddad pulls Tom away from the melee]
- Uncle Ruckus: That's right! Ronald Regan said 'Beat a nigga's ass and go to Heaven.' God is good! Now, let us pray. Lord, I have spent my whole life hatin' you for makin' me black. And now I see I must hate myself and all those like me. And cause them misery just like your servant, Ronald Reagan did. And if any of my words don't come directly from the Almighty God himself, then may I be struck by lightning right this very instant! Halle-
- [Ruckus is struck by lightning]
- Uncle Ruckus: AAAAHHHHHHH!
- Ronald Reagan: White Heaven is for decent, good, God-fearing Christians who just happen to, well, hate everyone and everything relating to black people. That means no Muhammad Ali, no hip-hop music and no fucking Jesse Jackson.
- Uncle Ruckus: What about Whoopi Goldberg?
- Ronald Reagan: Nope.
- Uncle Ruckus: Ohhh! This *is* Heaven!
- Uncle Ruckus: God bless you, Robert. How are you this fine morning?
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: You're not a Jehavoh's Witness now, are you? 'Cause I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
- Uncle Ruckus: Hahahahaha. Robert, I'm dying. That's right. Went to the doctor this morning. I only got six months to live. Tumor on the back. They call it Biggus Backus Tumoritis or some other big word that my tiny Negro brain and big lips can't pronounce.
- Jazmine Dubois: Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.
- Riley Freeman: First of all, I'ma live forever! But if I do die, I'm gon' smack God upside the head and gon' tell him to get me a grilled-cheese sandwich and some tacos!
- Jazmine Dubois: [to Huey] When I want something or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?
- Riley Freeman: And I dare God to say somethin'! I'll be like 'Say somethin', God! Say somethin'! Yeah, I thought so!'
- Jazmine Dubois: [to Huey] You should pray for Shabazz. God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to him. He's God!
- Riley Freeman: And if God say somethin' I'll be like this:
- [punches the air]
- Riley Freeman: Take that, God! I'll be beatin' God's jaw like: Pla-kow! Blaow!
- Huey Freeman: [with tears in his eyes] I never prayed before. I don't even know who I'm praying to. Maybe I'm too young to know what the world is suppose to be... but it is not suppose to be this. It can't be this. So please...
- Huey Freeman: Operation Black Steel, the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Milton-Berle, was aborted... because I couldn't get a ride.