Count Duckula (TV Series)

In Arctic Circles (1989)

Jack May: Igor, Colonel Willoughby

Quotes 

• Colonel Willoughby : [Colonel Willoughby is coming through the hall]  Jives! Jives, get on parade, on the double!

  Jives the Penguin Butler : Oh, dear.

  Count Duckula : Oh, what's that?

  Colonel Willoughby : That sir, is...

  Colonel Willoughby : Fish, you ghastly little bounder, fish!

  Jives the Penguin Butler : That is my present employer, returned home unexpectedly.

  Colonel Willoughby : Do you hear me, Jives?

  Jives the Penguin Butler : Indeed I do, sir.

  Colonel Willoughby : Then, where's me dinner, eh? Where's me fish? Ah, you have it there!

  [looks at Duckula] 

  Colonel Willoughby : Dashed funny looking fish, that is!

  Count Duckula : Fish? I'm no fish! I'm nobody's dinner, either!

  Jives the Penguin Butler : No, sir, this is not your dinner, this is...

  Colonel Willoughby : Another of your infernal scrounging distant cousins, eh? So where is me dinner, eh, where's me fish? Never mind your distant cousin, do your horrible idle self and bring me fish, lots of fish on the double!

  Colonel Willoughby : Colonel Willoughby, sir, I...

  Colonel Willoughby : And tell your distant cousin to distance himself some distance from me igloo!

• [repeated line] 

  Colonel Willoughby : You ghastly little bounder!

• Igor : What's this about the icebox being broken?

  Nanny : Yes.

  Count Duckula : Yes?

  Nanny : Yes.

  Nanny : It fell off the clothesline.

  Count Duckula : Oh, well, that's all right- it fell off the clothesline?

  Nanny : Well, I likes to keep it clean and it was doing all right in the washing machine!

• Count Duckula : Igor, don't be disgusting.

  Igor : Alas, milord, disgusting is all there is left to be. Without a death a week, life has lost its meaning.

  Count Duckula : Well, if we ever do have a death a week, the first thing I'm going to lose is a butler!

  Igor : I'm sorry, milord, but I do wish you would take your duties seriously now and again.Chew on a chambermaid, sink your teeth into a fainting female!

  Count Duckula : Forget it, Igor, forget it! All I want in this heat is an ice cream.

  Igor : Well, if it beats that something... AAAAARGH!

  Count Duckula : Aaaah! Igor, don't *do* that!

  Igor : You said you wanted a nice scream.

• Von Goosewing : Okay Igor, you were saying?

  Von Goosewing : I was saying, Dr. Von Goosewing, that the master has gone mad. He's cast me out into the cold, cold snow and taken on a younger butler. And that's not all.

  Von Goosewing : It's not?

  Igor : No. For some reason best known to himself, he has disguised himself as the penguin butler.

  Von Goosewing : Ja?

  Igor : Ja. I mean, yes. And he has disguised the butler as himself.

  Von Goosewing : But-but-but wait a moment, the butler *is* himself.

  Igor : No! The butler is now my master because my master is disguised as someone else. Because he is not himself.

  Von Goosewing : Heinrich, bring me a headache pill.

  Igor : Dr. Von Goosewing, it is perfectly simple! One penguin is now Count Duckula while the other penguins are penguins, except for the one who's a duck!

  Von Goosewing : Make that a dozen headache pills, Heinrich! Are you trying to tell me that there is more then one penguin?

  Igor : Oh, yes there is certainly more than one penguin, Dr. Von Goosewing.

  Von Goosewing : How many more? Tell me.

  Igor : Nine.

  [sounds like "nein", no in German] 

  Von Goosewing : If what you say is important, tell me how many more.

  Igor : Nine.

  Von Goosewing : Rumplestiltskin! Tell me!

  Igor : Nine, nine, nine!

  Von Goosewing : Ja, ja, ja! Tell me, tell me, TELL ME!

  Igor : I have told you how many.

  Von Goosewing : Heinrich, just bring the bottle.

  Igor : Dr. Von Goosewing, are you quite yourself?

  Von Goosewing : Well, I was when I left home. I just hope I'm not turning into a penguin!

  Igor : Make that *two* bottles, Heinrich, and be quick! Look, all you have to remember, Goosewing, is to miss the duck and zap the penguin.