All in the Family (TV Series)

Two's a Crowd (1978)

Carroll O'Connor: Archie Bunker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mike Stivic : Did you ever think that possibly your father just might be wrong?

  Archie Bunker : My old man? Don't be stupid. My old man? Let me tell you, he was never wrong about nothing.

  Mike Stivic : Yes he was, Arch. My old man used to call people the same things as your old man. But I knew he was wrong. So is your old man.

  Archie Bunker : Don't tell me my father was wrong. Let me tell you something, a father who made you is wrong? A father, the breadwinner of the house there? The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back you call him wrong? Father, that's the man that comes home, bringing you candy. Father is the first guy to throw a baseball to you. And take you for walks in the park holding you by the hand? My father held me by the hand, hey, my father had a hand on him though I tell you. He busted that hand once, and he busted the other on me to teach me to do good. My father, he shoved my in a closet for seven hours to teach me to do good, 'cause he loved me. Don't be looking at me. Let me tell you something, you're supposed to love your father 'cause your father loves you. How can any man who loves you tell you anything that's wrong?

• [Mike has just injured himself, trying to break down the door of the store room at Archie's Place] 

  Archie Bunker : If I wasn't so mad at you, I'd laugh like hell.

  Mike Stivic : Well, I am not the one who left the key on the other side of the door.

  Archie Bunker : Well, I am not the one who slammed and locked the door with the key on the other side.

  Mike Stivic : I am not the one who didn't say, "Don't close the door! The key is on the other side!"

  Archie Bunker : I am not the one who sponged off of me for five years and didn't earn nothing but the name of Meathead!

  Mike Stivic : I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SITS AND WATCHES KOREAN MIDGETS WRESTLING ON CHANNEL 5 AND THINKS IT'S EDUCATIONAL TV!

  Archie Bunker : I AM NOT THE ONE THAT SITS IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET FOR A WHOLE HOUR STARING AT THE SAME ORCHESTRA!

  Mike Stivic : I LIKE SYMPHONIES!

  Archie Bunker : IF YOU LIKE SYMPHONIES, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!

  [Archie blows a raspberry and waves his fingers like a conductor] 

  Archie Bunker : You dumbbell!

• Mike Stivic : What did they call you in school?

  Archie : Different things.

  Mike Stivic : Tell me, what did they call you in school?

  Archie : Well, I remember one winter during the Depression when we didn't have any money because my father lost his job, we was all bust. And I wore out a shoe. One shoe. So I couldn't go to school with only one shoe. But my mother found a boot, so I had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other. A shoe and a boot. So the kids call me 'Shoebootie'.

  Mike Stivic : They used to call you 'Shoebootie', huh?

  [laughs] 

  Archie : They used to holler, "Tutti fruitti, here comes Shoebootie." They called me that until they learned my name was Archibald and they thought that was funny. And then I wished they'd go back to 'Shoebootie'.

• Mike : The kids all made fun of you, huh?

  Archie : Yeah, they all made fun of me. Except for this one little black kid named Winston.

  Mike : A black kid liked you?

  Archie : No, the black kid beat the hell out of me.

  Mike : Why? He must have had a reason.

  Archie : Well he said that I said he was a "nigger".

  Mike : Did you?

  Archie : Sure. That's what all them people were called in them days. Everybody we knew called them people niggers. It's all my old man called'em there. What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn't know what to call them. I couldn't call him a Wop. I couldn't call him Wop, 'cause Wop is what we called the Dagos.

• Archie Bunker : You don't trust nobody out there except your own kind. You remember that, Meathead.

  Mike Stivic : That's another thing. Meathead. Why must you always call me Meathead?

  Archie Bunker : What the hell... Why does that bother you? I'll bet I wasn't the first to call you 'Meathead'.

  Mike Stivic : You were the only one to ever call me Meathead. They never called me that in school. They called me Michael or Mike, or Mickey.

  Archie Bunker : Well, what a sweet little school you went to there.

• Archie Bunker : Don't you know the kind of people who pass through alleyways this time of night? Nothin' but the criminal element.

  Mike Stivic : Arch, shouldn't we at least take a chance that a decent human being will pass by?

  Archie Bunker : In New York?

• Archie Bunker : You know the story about Noah's Ark there, don't you? You know how the animals come up the gangplank there and into the ark. They came in twos: the sames with the sames and the differents with the differents. The tiger come up with the tigeress, the lion, he came up with the lioness. The zebra, he come up with the zebraella and the elephant, he came up with the... Uh... What? Geez, I forget the term. You know, the point I'm trying to make is the elephant didn't come walking up there with a Polack.

• Mike Stivic : I don't believe it. We're trapped in here. WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE!

  Archie Bunker : Aw stop your yellin', there. You're only trapped in here with me. Look who the hell I'm trapped in here with.