The Simpsons (TV Series)

Mountain of Madness (1997)

Harry Shearer: Smithers, Mr. Burns, Lenny

Quotes 

• Lenny : Did you hear something?

  Carl : No.

  Lenny : Hmm. Did I?

  Carl : I don't know!

• Homer : You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.

  Mr. Burns : Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

• Smithers : Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.

  Mr. Burns : Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.

  Smithers : Why do we always fight on vacation?

• Lenny : We made it. And it's all thanks to teamwork.

  Carl : Yeah, *my* teamwork.

• Carl : According to the map the cabin should be right here.

  Lenny : Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things.

  Carl : Oh yeah, yeah. Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.

  Lenny : Oh.

  [disappointed] 

  Lenny : They said there'd be sandwiches.

• Lisa Simpson : Mr. Smithers! Mister Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle.

  Smithers : Agh, twisted ank - aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?

• Mr. Burns : Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?

  Smithers : 45 seconds.

  Mr. Burns : And what's our time so far?

  Smithers : I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.

  Mr. Burns : Damn nation! What kind of slowcoaches do I have working for me?

  [Homer exits and barricades the door] 

  Mr. Burns : Ah, there's one of our fellows now.

  Homer Simpson : I think I won, Mr. Burns.

  Mr. Burns : Yes, you won, all right. You won more than you bargained for.

  Homer Simpson : Whoo hoo!

• [Mr. Burns and Homer arrive at a snowy campsite] 

  Mr. Burns : This propane tank will supply us with heat, and...

  [Approaches front door] 

  Mr. Burns : ...this doorknob, when properly turned, will provide access to the cabin.

• Homer : They're only snowmen, Mr Burns.

  Mr. Burns : Oh, snowmen have peepers! Peepers to watch...

  Homer : What do we do?

  Mr. Burns : Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

• Mr. Burns : Smithers, we need some excitement around here!

  Smithers : Chinese checkers or domestic?

• Mr. Burns : What a disgraceful display. I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.

  Carl : [jabbing his thumb at Lenny]  Well, maybe he does, but I don't.

  Lenny : Hey, you take that back.

  Carl : No, you take that back!

  Homer Simpson : [they start fist-fighting]  Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny!

• Smithers : [trekking the mountain alone]  How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns, after all I've done for you? Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your bony, old behind!

  ['Bony, old behind' echoes through the mountain range] 

  Mr. Burns : [to Homer]  Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.

• Smithers : [sarcastically]  Oh, great! It's the Bobbsey Twins. Well take your prying eyes elsewhere!

  [ruefully] 

  Smithers : Ooh I'm sorry. It hasn't been a good day. If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon I could get fired.

  Lisa Simpson : We'll help you!

  Bart : I have a watch with a minute hand!

  Smithers : Ugh. Alright, you can come. What time IS it?

  Bart : 12:80. No wait... wait. What... what comes after twelve?

  Smithers : One.

  Bart : No, AFTER twelve!

  Smithers : [disgustedly]  Uggghhh!

• [Homer and Mr. Burns sit on opposite sides of the cabin, glaring into each other's eyes] 

  C. Montgomery Burns : [thinking]  I'm trapped with a madman. Look at him, staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.

  Homer Simpson : [thinking]  Oh, look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotise me, but not in the good, Las Vegas way.

  C. Montgomery Burns : [gasps]  I know what he's up to. He's thinking of killing me, then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first!

  [grabs a fireplace poker as they both stand up] 

  C. Montgomery Burns : I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery!

  Homer Simpson : You and what army?

  [six ghostly snowman soldiers appear behind Mr. Burns] 

• C. Montgomery Burns : We must be covered by a thousand feet of snow.

  Homer Simpson : It could be *days* before they find us!

  C. Montgomery Burns : No books, no radio, no board games... Ah! A Bazooka Joe comic!

  [scoffs] 

  C. Montgomery Burns : I heard that one 75 years ago.

  Homer Simpson : We could build snowmen.

  C. Montgomery Burns : No, I have a better idea. We could build *real* men *out of* snow.

  Homer Simpson : Oh... OK?

• C. Montgomery Burns : We should... be... careful... not to speak... unless it's... absolutely... positively... necessary.

• [everyone is gathered around the fireplace; Lenny throws a moose head into the fire; Bart, Lisa and Smithers enter the cabin] 

  Lisa Simpson : Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!

  Waylon Smithers : [storms in angrily]  Fine. Good. I don't care anymore. I'm the last one here. You kids cost me my job.

  Lenny Leonard : You ain't last, Mr. Smithers.

  Waylon Smithers : [sighs in relief]  Thank goodness.

  Carl Carlson : Yeah, Burnsie and Homer never made it.

  Waylon Smithers : [looks out the window]  Mr. Burns is still out there?

  Lisa Simpson : [gasps]  What about our dad?

• [Homer and Mr. Burns sit down low in chairs with their feet upon the table] 

  C. Montgomery Burns : [sighs deeply]  The only hard part... is getting up.

  Homer Simpson : [chuckles]  Why get up? Here's a move I've been tinkering with.

  [points to the other end of the table] 

  Homer Simpson : Say I want that bowl of dip.

  C. Montgomery Burns : Why, you'd have to get up!

  Homer Simpson : Oh?

  [Homer kicks down on the table, causing the bowl of dip to move towards him until he catches it in his open palm] 

  C. Montgomery Burns : [very impressed]  Sir! I am in your debt.

  Homer Simpson : Use it wisely, my friend.

  [they toast their champagne glasses; the sound echoes and accidentally causes an avalanche, trapping them inside the cabin]