Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (2006 Video Game)

John Kassir: Deadpool

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Quotes 

• Deadpool : The day my father Odin banished me from Asgard, I was bitten by a vampire and had radioactive waste dumped into my eyes. To make matters worse, my mutant ability to control weather activated just as I was hit by a blast of gamma radiation. Nah, actually, I got this way by volunteering for the Weapon X program. They promised to cure my cancer. And they cured it all right, by giving me an outrageous healing factor. Then they labeled me psychotic and tossed me into a prison lab. So I escaped and became what some people might call a 'mercenary'. I prefer the title 'cleaner of the gene pool'. And I've made a lot of good friends along the way: like Arcade. He's always sending me to his amusement park.

  Arcade : HELLO, Deadpool. Ready for a fun filled day in Murderworld?

  Deadpool : Yup. I've got my sunscreen on and I've taken my motion sickness pills so bring on the rides!

  Arcade : Oh, I don't think you understand. You're going to die here.

  Deadpool : I know! Carnivals always slay me.

  Arcade : No. You are going to physically die... as in stop breathing. You will cease to exist.

  Deadpool : Riiiiiight... So do you have bumper cars here?

  Arcade : Arrrgh!

• Deadpool : Black Widow, I've gotta know... Are those real?

  Black Widow : I beg your pardon?

  Deadpool : Ahh... Your teeth, they're just so darn shiny and straight.

• Deadpool : Hi, Black Bolt. How are ya?

  [Black Bolt says nothing] 

  Deadpool : Oh, that's right. You can't talk can you? Your voice is so powerful, it would destroy half of Atillan if you said anything at all.

  [Black Bolt still says nothing] 

  Deadpool : But c'mon, let's put that to the test. Just say one tiny word: 'Spatula.'

  [Black Bolt still says nothing] 

  Deadpool : Oh, don't be such a stick in the mud. Come on, repeat after me: 'Spatula.'

• Deadpool : [Leveling up]  And now I'm better at doing whatever it is Wolverine does!

• Deadpool : Hey, did I enter the side show tent? 'Cause you look like the dog faced boy.

  Dark Spider-Man : Oh, you are a wit, Deadpool... or at least half of one. Tell me, do the chicks go for your insane babble?

  Deadpool : About as much as they go for your attempts at self-deprecating humor.

  Dark Spider-Man : So then it doesn't work.

• Deadpool : I'm low on energy, but full of vitamin C!

• Ancient One : Who would dare disturb my meditation?

  Deadpool : Grampy, is that you? Wow, you got a lot older... and uglier too.

  Ancient One : You buffoon. I am not your grandfather. I am the Ancient One, teacher of Dr. Strange.

  Deadpool : Are you sure? You're really grouchy just like Grampy was.

• Deadpool : I just wish we could have been friends.

• Deadpool : [Leveling up]  Did I win a new car, too?

• Deadpool : [Badly hurt]  I need help! And a pony!

• Deadpool : [after speaking with Nick Fury]  Sir! Yes Sir! Stowing all stupid thoughts! Uh, is that vein on your forehead meant to be throbbing like that?

• Deadpool : [after Black Widow has told him that he's going to face Dr. Doom]  Wait, we're going to fight Dr. Doom? No one told me we were going to fight Doom! I want my lawyer! I want my mummy! I want my lawyer's mummy!

• Deadpool : Whatever happens, remember to protect me.

• Deadpool : A haiku, by Deadpool: I hate broccoli / And think it totally sucks / Why is it not meat?

• Deadpool : I can't go that way, so stop shovin'!

• Deadpool : [about Weasel]  Oh, yeah, he's totally trustworthy! Except where money's involved. He would sell his granny's walking cane for a buck. In fact, I bought his granny's walking cane for a buck!

• Deadpool : Weasel old buddy! Where have you been hiding out?

  Weasel : In the hospital, you stabbed me in the leg remember?

  Deadpool : Oh yeah, but I had to, you were trying to steal my last Cheesy Puff

  Weasel : It was my bag of Cheesy Puffs!

  Deadpool : That's not how I remember it.

• Black Widow : Hello, Deadpool.

  Deadpool : Black Widow, I feel we've known each other long enough that I can ask you... are you putting on weight?

• Deadpool : [after defeating an enemy]  Hey everybody, look! I won, I won!

• Valkyrie : Why does that pasty faced human stare at me with such great intensity?

  Deadpool : Ah, that's just Weasel's way of saying hello. And it's why he hasn't been on a date since his cousin had to take him to his high school prom.

  Valkyrie : I know you. You are Deadpool - the human that Death found so intriguing.

  Deadpool : Death... oh yeah, she was a heck of a fine girl but things just didn't work out between us. She was a little too clingy.

  Valkyrie : If Death found you attractive,m perhaps you are worthy of my attentions, Deadpool.

  Deadpool : You and me? Well, I kind of have a policy against dating anyone who could strike me dead.

  Valkyrie : So you have a sense of humor. Good, I like that in a man.

• S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent : Am I glad to see you. Someone named The Winter Soldier hacked into our network and trapped us with our own security force fields.

  Deadpool : Boy, do you look stupid, Gimme ten bucks and I won't tell Nick Fury about this.

  S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent : Ten dollars? Are you insane? You're a hero.

  Deadpool : You're right, make it 100. My tights don't come cheap.

  S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent : But you're supposed to save people for free!

  Deadpool : I charge stupid people. And you qualify, seeing as how you're trapped in your own living compartment. By the way, the price is up to 200.

  S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent : Fine, fine, I'll pay it. Just go to the security console and reboot the system. It'll take two of your team members to activate it. And watch out for traps.

  Deadpool : Oooh, I don't like traps. The price just went to 500.

  S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent : All right! I'll pay whatever you want! Winter Soldier probably put laser tripwires along the way. If you walk through them a bomb will be triggered.

  Deadpool : Ummm... Just to warn you, if I die, my price goes up to 1000.

• Black Widow : Hello, Deadpool. Welcome to the team.

  Deadpool : Ah, how I have missed you, mon petit chapeau. Let us run away and live a carefree life someplace exotic... Like Pittsburg.

• Edwin Jarvis : A good day to you, sir. My name is Edwin Jarvis.

  Deadpool : Hello, good citizen. I'm Captain America. You don't have to salute if you don't want to.

  Edwin Jarvis : I know Captain America, sir, and you are no Captain America.

  Deadpool : All righty then, I'm Thor. you might want to kneel in my presence... I am the God of Thunder, you know.

  Edwin Jarvis : Ah, you must be the 'Deadpool' character I was warned about.