- Grandmama Addams: [on the phone] Granny's Psychic Hotline, Granny speaking... Hmmm... that's a tough one. Let me ask the voices from beyond.
- [goes into a trance]
- Grandmama Addams: They say if your pizza's not there in 15 minutes, call and find out what's taking so long... Don't mention it. Bye-bye!
- [hangs up]
- Grandmama Addams: Donatello... what would he do without me?
- Wednesday Addams: We have to think of something to keep the Inspector busy or he'll shut us down be4 we finish our project!
- Pugsley Addams: I'll get the bazooka!
- Wednesday Addams: No, we need something worse.
- Pugsley Addams: Worse than a bazooka?
- Wednesday Addams, Pugsley Addams: Granny!
- Grandmama Addams: Flattery will get you everywhere, big boy! The name's Granny Frump, but you can call me Wild Thing!
- [the Inspector is terrified]
- [Pugsley holds a spitting cobra at Wednesday]
- Wednesday Addams: Stop it! We'll play later!
- [Later, Wednesday points a cannon at Pugsley]
- Pugsley Addams: You said we didn't have time for playing!
- Wednesday Addams: Pardon me, I just get swept away sometimes...
- [Mrs. Quaint asks for a safe to keep her pearls]
- Pugsley Addams: Safe? Did you say safe?
- [the children show Mrs. Quaint a vast crypt]
- Pugsley Addams: [slapping away a tentacle] Not now, Otto, we're busy!
- Wednesday Addams: We hid your box behind the cash bundle. Just go straight past the diamonds, then right at the pearl-studded silverware.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, are you thinking what I am?
- Gomez Addams: How could I forget, Tish? Dangerous criminals, a desperate scuffle, trapped hopelessly in hanging cages - QUERIDA!
- Morticia Addams: It was the most romantic night, our twenty-second date...
- Morticia Addams: But wait a while before letting us out, children, your father and I are just getting uncomfortable...
- Wednesday Addams: [sharpening a blade] Oh, hi, N.J.! I take it your parents still think we're dangerous.
- [Wednesday and Pugsley arrive from school]
- Wednesday Addams: Ah, home, bitter home, back with my best friend in the world...
- [Lurch holds out Wednesday's doll]
- Wednesday Addams: Make that my two best friends...
- Uncle Fester: Hey, what's the matter?
- Wednesday Addams: The robins are singing, the sky is azure blue... it's another miserable sunny day, Uncle Fester.
- Uncle Fester: Well, gee, if you two are feeling down, do what I do... blow yourself up!
- [Fester pulls out a plunger with wires attached to himself, and pushes it. An explosion occurs]
- Uncle Fester: See? I feel better already!
- [He falls through a hole]
- Morticia Addams: [painting] Are you ready to finish posing for me, Lurch?
- [Lurch appears in a cavalier's outfit]
- Morticia Addams: Thank you. Now could you look at me with that boyish twinkle in your eye?
- [Lurch grimaces]
- Morticia Addams: Perfect.
- [Wednesday and Pugsley hurl axes at their father]
- Gomez Addams: You missed. A little lower next time!
- Uncle Fester: That mystic stuff is a bunch of hooey!
- Grandmama Addams: It is not! I'll show you!
- [grabs Fester's foot]
- Uncle Fester: Hey!
- Grandmama Addams: You know the length of your toenails reveals a lot about your personality...
- [analyzes Fester's toenails]
- Grandmama Addams: Huh... I don't get it. According to this toe, you're supposed to be bright.
- Uncle Fester: That's me! Watch!
- [charges a lightbulb]
- Pugsley Addams: Come on, let's tell them we don't want to open a hotel!
- Wednesday Addams: We can't say that. You saw how excited they were. Look at them!
- [points out the window]
- Pugsley Addams: [looking out] Yeah, you know it's a big deal when Dad rolls out the barbed wire...
- Wednesday Addams: Lurch, I need some advice. What should we do?
- [Lurch moans]
- Wednesday Addams: Do you really think so?
- [Lurch moans]
- Wednesday Addams: You're right, Lurch! We're Addamses through and through, and everyone knows what that means!
- Pugsley Addams: We eat our young?
- Wednesday Addams: No, Brain Zero! We never let each other down! It's the Addams way! Hotel management, here we come!
- Pugsley Addams: Imagine, somewhere in our house stalks a wine-stealing, dangerous criminal!
- Wednesday Addams: Isn't it great!
- Uncle Fester: Did somebody say crime? That's my middle name!
- Wednesday Addams: I thought plumbing was your middle name.
- Uncle Fester: But that was last week. I've always been known as a sleuthist!
- Pugsley Addams: Wow! Can you help us solve the mystery?
- [Gomez and Morticia are trapped in iron cages]
- Gomez Addams: And we thought these cages were belated anniversary gifts...
- Uncle Fester: Did someone mention family dance? Might I recommend the South Idaho Tongue Pull?
- Gomez Addams: On a Friday?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Hey, how about the Face Slide?
- [the family cheers]
- Pugsley Addams: The silverware's gone... and so's everything else!
- Wednesday Addams: We've been plundered, pillaged!
- Pugsley Addams: And robbed, too!