- [first lines]
- Narrator: Don't let this scene confuse you! You saw it yesterday, you're seeing it again today. Sometimes we repeat a scene for the people who missed something yesterday.
- Mary Hartman: [Davey has a pistol pressed against Mary's head] Is that a real gun, Davey? It's not real, is it? What is that, a little toy, little water cap pistol?
- Davey: No, it's real.
- Mary Hartman: Oh, it is real. Oh. See, I saw this skit on "The Howard Cosell Show" once. It was a hilarious skit. Tina Louise had a gun, and she took out her gun, and she pulled the trigger, and a sign came out that said "Bang!" Isn't that hilarious, Davey? Does yours have a sign, Davey? It does, doesn't it?
- [Davey points pistol at ceiling and fires, plaster rains down on Mary's head]
- Mary Hartman: It's real.
- Loretta Haggers: [at the police standoff] I feel something, Charlie, I feel it!
- Charlie Haggers: What is it, baby? What's happening?
- Loretta Haggers: It's a song. It's comin' through loud and clear.
- [breaks into song]
- Loretta Haggers: Oh, I could get my head blown off / Lovin' you like I do, like I do / Well, it's a dangerous price to pay, but it's worth it...
- Detective Johnson: [Detective Johnson on bullhorn] Alright, Mr. Hartman, this is the police!
- Loretta Haggers: [singing] Well, yes, I could get my head blown off / Or my chin, or my ear... !
- Mary Hartman: [Tom joins Mary in the murderer's hideout] We were just having a nice little chat, and I don't know if you two know each other, but Tom, this is little Davey Jessup. And Davey, I'd like you to meet my ex-husband Tom.
- Tom Hartman: Ex? Whaddaya mean "ex"?
- Detective Johnson: [on bullhorn, as uniformed officers accost Tom exiting the killer's hideout] Uh, alright, Fazio, Kravitz, bring him over here. Watch the brutality, we're on TV, will ya?
- Cathy Shumway: [at the standoff, Steve hands her a note] Oh, how sweet! Hey, everybody! Everybody! Steve just offered to go to Jack-in-the-Box. Does anybody want anything?
- George Shumway: [shoving popcorn in his mouth] Please, Cathy! This is no time to talk about a picnic!
- Detective Johnson: [on bullhorn] Uh, kraut dog!
- Cathy Shumway: Kraut dog.
- Heather Hartman: Two tacos, extra sauce!
- Cathy Shumway: Two tacos, extra sauce.
- Charlie Haggers: I could use a coffee - black!
- Tom Hartman: Yeah, make that two.