- Mary Hartman: It was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.
- Harold Clemens: Did it improve your emotional health?
- Mary Hartman: I think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.
- Mary Hartman: [Referring to her chili] Do you think this is too spicy or not spicy enough?
- Harold Clemens: Not spicy enough.
- [Referring to the Lombardi murders]
- Harold Clemens: Of course there could be any number of psychological reasons why.
- Mary Hartman: [Deadpan] Mmhmm.
- [Mary pauses]
- Mary Hartman: So what'd you think it needs?
- Harold Clemens: Uh, what'd you have?
- Mary Hartman: I have uh, salt and... pepper.
- Harold Clemens: [Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.
- Mary Hartman: [Charmed] Really?
- [Changing her tone]
- Mary Hartman: What'd you think happened to me?
- Mary Hartman: Heather's one of the real achievers in her class. We think that she's sure to win the Rotary Club award when she graduates... that's for good citizenship and posture.
- Harold Clemens: Ah, my, my. How nice.
- Mary Hartman: Yeah. Oh, we're sure of it, we're sure of it.
- [Raising her voice to Heather, who's slouched in a kitchen chair]
- Mary Hartman: Mr. Clemens is writing an article about the Lombardi murders Heather. Heather? Isn't that interesting, dear?
- Heather Hartman: [Only her eyes are visible above the table] I don't know.
- Mary Hartman: [Quietly] Can you sit up a bit straighter when you "don't know," dear?
- Loretta Haggers: Oh, Charlie, you make me feel bigger than Janis Joplin! When she was alive, that is.
- Mary Hartman: Now, look! Everything's gonna be all right! And afterward, we're all gonna go to the House of Pancakes!