Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer

Quotes 

• Lisa Ruddy : Barth, were you ever married?

  Barth Baggs : Dah, married? I sure was, kid. D'I was married for three beautiful days and then she left me.

  Christine McGlade : After three days? Uh, why?

  Barth Baggs : Dah, well, she told the judge dyat it was, uh, "physical cruelty."

  Lisa Ruddy : You mean you hit her?

  Barth Baggs : No, I didn't hit her. I cooked for her.

  Lisa Ruddy : Oh.

  Christine McGlade : Ahh.

  [Barth then serves Christine and Lisa two plates of worm and frog burgers and walks away] 

  Lisa Ruddy : Now I know why she left.

  Christine McGlade : Yeah, I'm suprised she lasted three days.

• Announcer : Family Ties Get Untied will not be seen...

• Ross Ewich : The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

  Alasdair Gillis : Oh, great. For a minute there I thought it was something really serious.

  Justin Cammy : Yeah, I thought we were cancelled.

  Ross Ewich : Wait a minute. It is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show.

• Lisa Ruddy : Marjorie, I thought you said your parents were getting a separation.

  Marjorie Silcoff : They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

  Lisa Ruddy : Oh.

  Valerie Prevort : Marjorie, dear, I'm afraid your little friend is gonna have to go home now.

  Marjorie Silcoff : Oh, Mom, she just got here.

  Valerie Prevort : Marjorie, dear, you know the rules: No company after 8 o'clock.

  Marjorie Silcoff : Oh, all right. Dad?

  Lance Prevort : [belches]  Oh, yeah! Ah, what... ah, what is it, uh, Marjorie?

  Marjorie Silcoff : Can we come over to play?

  Lance Prevort : Why, sure, kid. You know what I always say - my house is your house.

  Marjorie Silcoff : Bye, Mom.

  Valerie Prevort : Bye, dear.

  [Marjorie and Lisa get up and walk around to the other side of the coach in Lance's half of the house] 

• Marjorie Silcoff : So whatever happened to you ex-wife, Barth?

  Christine McGlade , Alasdair Gillis , Justin Cammy : Who do you think's IN the burgers?

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that! - but I'll ignore it this time around.

• El Capitano : We are shooting you because your father is a traitor and an enemy of the state.

  Alasdair Gillis : You can't shoot me today, and my mom will be mad.

  El Capitano : What? We can't?

  Alasdair Gillis : No, you see, my dad only has custody of me on Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and every second Friday, and since today's Monday, I'm at my mom's today and she hasn't done anything wrong.

  El Capitano : Okay. I guess you're right. We'll have to let you go, but you come back tomorrow and we'll shoot you.

  Alasdair Gillis : [pulling out a day planner]  Oh... well... um...

  El Capitano : Mm.

  Alasdair Gillis : I can't tomorrow.

  El Capitano : [pulling out his own day planner]  No?

  Alasdair Gillis : I'm going to the zoo with my dad.

  El Capitano : Okay. Well, how 'bout Thursday afternoon?

  Alasdair Gillis : [checking]  Thursday?

• Announcer : "You Can't Do That On Television has been a Split Down The Middle Production." This note just handed to me: "Custody of all the children in the cast is awarded to the announcer. He and his wife..." What? No-no-no you don't! Oh, no. I'll fight this in the highest court in the land. You are not gonna get away with this.

• Mr. Schidtler : Today we are going to study divorce. Can anyone please tell me what the word divorce means?

  Alasdair Gillis : Ah, sir!

  Mr. Schidtler : Alasdair.

  Alasdair Gillis : To separate?

  Mr. Schidtler : That's right. Yes. Correct. Okay, now someone else, please, use the word divorce in a sentence. Lisa. Come on.

  Lisa Ruddy : Uh... Before you make an angel food cake, you have to divorce the eggs.

  Mr. Schidtler : [looking skyward]  Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to me!

• Ross Ewich : [with half the cast brought back from cold storage and Marjorie approaching him for warmth]  Get away from me, you little popsicle.

• Mr. Schidtler : Oh, now-now, class, just before we begin today I'd like to point out that we have a new student, uh, at school. Uh, young man, would you mind, please, uh, standing up and, uh, telling us why you came to our fair town?

  Alasdair Gillis : Okay, my mom dumped my dad and then...

  Mr. Schidtler : No-no-no-no-no-no. You must not say "dumped." No-no-no. Say "divorced."

  Alasdair Gillis : Okay. So like I was saying, my mom divorced my dad over the side of the boat into the lake, then we collected the insurance money, and then we moved here.

• Lance Prevort : Justin?

  Justin Cammy : Yep.

  Lance Prevort : I got somethin' I gotta tell ya.

  Justin Cammy : Mm.

  Lance Prevort : Your mother and I have been talkin' things over and we've decided that we are gonna get married.

  Justin Cammy : Oh, no. You can't do this to me. I'll be the only kid in the school who's parents are married! I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school!

  Lance Prevort : [as Justin storms out]  Justin, wait a minute. No, you don't understand, Justin! We...

  [door slams] 

  Lance Prevort : We're not marrying each other.