Mel Smith: Various Roles

Quotes 

• Reporter On Ledge : Sir John Gielgud has been defending his appearance in the film Caligula, and claims there was no mention whatever of sex and brutality when he read the original paycheck.

• Ronnie Corbett : And in a packed program tonight, we'll be doing a sketch about an accident in a ball-bearing factory. I play a man who loses his bearings.

  Ronnie Barker : And I play a man who gets horribly castrated.

  Ronnie Corbett : But first, the news: a man who sat on the front row of a West End strip club from two in the afternoon until just before it closed, said tonight...

  Ronnie Reagan : I see my time is running out here; I'll have to get this down very fast.

  Ronnie Barker : And now, the news: donkeys: and singer Tom Jones was admitted to hospital today for a well-earned vasectomy.

  Ronnie Corbett : And singer Mick Jagger was admitted to hospital today for two well-earned vasectomies.

  Ronnie Reagan : And I have a task force now that has been working on where those cuts could be made.

  Ronnie Barker : And, finally, here is the weather: it'll be cool in Goole, dry in Rye, topping in Wapping, but if you live in Lissing Down, it'll be absolutely pissing down!