- Announcer: [Apologizing to upset viewers about the Hedgehog sequence in the "I Like Trucking" musical sketch in the previous show] We have received a large number of complaints about a sequence you may remember from last week's program. Where a hedgehog was seen to be crushed under the wheels of a lorry. The BBC would like to apologize to hedgehog lovers everywhere for any distress caused by this sequence. But, would like to point out that the hedgehog used was in fact a stuffed hedgehog and we feel that we have proberbly exhibited less cruelty to hedgehogs per se, than whoever it is, who goes around stuffing them. If you now who these people are, then please write to us at this address. WE WANT TO KNOW WHO STUFFS HEDGEHOGS. Not The Nine O'Clock News. BBC Television Centre. Wood Lane. London West 12.
- Sergeant: Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?
- Constable Savage: He's a villain, sir.
- Sergeant: ...A villain.
- Constable Savage: And, and a jailbird, sir.
- Sergeant: [loses his temper] I know he's a jailbird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on a charge of possession of curly black hair and thick lips!
- Reporter On Ledge: Sir John Gielgud has been defending his appearance in the film Caligula, and claims there was no mention whatever of sex and brutality when he read the original paycheck.
- Ronnie Corbett: And in a packed program tonight, we'll be doing a sketch about an accident in a ball-bearing factory. I play a man who loses his bearings.
- Ronnie Barker: And I play a man who gets horribly castrated.
- Ronnie Corbett: But first, the news: a man who sat on the front row of a West End strip club from two in the afternoon until just before it closed, said tonight...
- Ronnie Reagan: I see my time is running out here; I'll have to get this down very fast.
- Ronnie Barker: And now, the news: donkeys: and singer Tom Jones was admitted to hospital today for a well-earned vasectomy.
- Ronnie Corbett: And singer Mick Jagger was admitted to hospital today for two well-earned vasectomies.
- Ronnie Reagan: And I have a task force now that has been working on where those cuts could be made.
- Ronnie Barker: And, finally, here is the weather: it'll be cool in Goole, dry in Rye, topping in Wapping, but if you live in Lissing Down, it'll be absolutely pissing down!