Mel Smith: Various Roles

Quotes 

• Male Reporter : BBC1 went off the air tonight during the last twelve minutes of Nationwide. A BBC spokesman apologized for not thinking of it sooner.

• Huge Scullery : Good evening. Tonight, we tackle a difficult and controversial subject: soccer hooliganism. With me in the studio I have Professor Duff of Cambridge University, author of "Crowd Control Psychology," and Sally Barnes, community worker from the Barrow of Lambeth. Now, over the last few weeks, both of you have been looking into the problem of English soccer crowd violence. What conclusions have you drawn, Professor Duff?

  Professor Duff : Well, my team and I have really concerned ourselves fundamentally with a statistical analysis of soccer violence as a whole, in tandem with and related to a a psychochemical and, broadly speaking, a behavioral analysis of over a thousand individual soccer hooligans. And, we've come to the inevitable conclusion that the one course of action that the authorities must take is to cut off their goolies.

• Councilman : All right, gentlemen, before we move on to any other business, we deserve a tea break.

  [other members nod in agreement] 

  Councilman : So, do we want tea or coffee? Let's have a vote, shall we? All those for tea?

  [everyone except Councilman raises their hand; Councilman counts their hands] 

  Councilman : That's one and a half million for tea. Okay, uh, and for coffee?

  [Councilman raises his hand; no one else does] 

  Councilman : Five million for coffee. So, coffee it is.