Mel Smith: Various Roles

Quotes 

• John Tit : John Tit reporting. I'm here reporting in the very place where, only yesterday, the man who keeps setting fire to television reporters has claimed yet another victim.

  [Is promptly set on fire] 

• Sue Lowry : Don't you find it a problem continually being mistaken for each other?

  David : Yeah... yeah we do, I guess. But, I mean, we have a lot of laughs as well. A very, very funny thing happened: we got on a tube and we swapped tickets, and the conductor didn't even notice.

• First Soccer Fan : What are we doing at a Women's International soccer match?

  Second Soccer Fan : Wait.

  First Soccer Fan : It's terrible!

  Second Soccer Fan : Wait.

  First Soccer Fan : Right. Well, it's over. What happens now?

  Second Soccer Fan : What always happens at the end of an International.

  [audience bursts into applause as the women remove their jerseys, exposing their breasts] 

• Sir George Bennett : I couldn't get a taxi; they're full of bloody fat Arabs. And I couldn't get on the tube; full of six-foot Swedes with rucksacks, you know. And then I got on a bus, and the bloody bus was stopped by a couple of Americans going to Madame Tussaud's of all places! Bloody foreigners! I can't stand them! Sorry, sorry.

  Huge Scullery : Sir George, you are, of course, Chairman of the London Transport Board.

  Sir George Bennett : No, no. I'm Chairman of the London Tourist Board.

  Huge Scullery : Oh, the London Tourist Board. Yes. I'm sorry, but everyone must be dying to know how a person like you could possibly be appointed to your job.

  Sir George Bennett : Yes, they must be. I hate the bastards!

• Talking Head : Housing: and Irish architects have designed a house for people who have lots of junk. It's a bungalow with five basements.

• Talking Head : News for horse lovers: and there was excitement for Lady Diana Spencer today, when her hat blew off during a ride with Prince Charles. On hearing the news, the Duke of Edenborough said, that's my boy!

• Talking Head : And later in the program, we'll be having a look at a day in the life of a prominent marriage guidance counselor.

  [cuts to a shot of Pope John Paul II] 

• Butler : Sir, the Prime Minister and Mr. John Cleese.

  [Prime Minister and John Cleese enter] 

  King George II : Ah, Mr. Prime Minister! Mr. Cleese! What news from Parliament?

  Prime Minister : Much as ever, my lord.

  [walks to window and opens the curtains, showing an industrial wasteland] 

  TV Pitchman : Add a little irony...

  Prime Minister : The country is prosperous. The people are happy.

  [closes the curtains] 

  TV Pitchman : ... and we can get rid of the celebrity.

  [John Cleese gets up and leaves without saying a word] 

  King George II : Strange fellow, that Cleese.

  Prime Minister : But amusing, I find him.

  King George II : You know Thomas, of course.

  Prime Minister : Ah, yes yes, of course. I believe we met, in, um...

  TV Pitchman : Turn on the Minority/Racial Interest...

  Prime Minister : ... Puerto Rico! Ayyyyyyy!

  Thomas Arkwright : Ayyyyyyyy!

  [they high five]