Stephanie Cole: Diana Trent

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Diana : [tries on a hat]  Oh, no.

  [throws had aside, tries another] 

  Diana : No.

  [throws that hat aside] 

  Diana : Ah! Why do I get new hats for funerals? Not as if the poor sod they're throwing it for's going to give a damn what I'm wearing.

  [tries another hat] 

  Diana : Huh! God, what a sight. Mutton dressed as lizard. I'm the one who should be in the coffin.

• Diana : Jane thinks we should be miserable because we are going to a funeral.

  Tom : Oh, I don't know; at least it's a day out, and you know what they say: better to stand looking into a grave than lying in a grave looking out.

• [last lines] 

  Tom : Geoffrey, how's it going? What news of the anti-depressions crusade?

  Geoffrey : Oh, it's going really well.

  Tom : Good!

  Geoffrey : Yes, Marian sounded most cheerful. When I last spoke to her.

  Diana : When you last spoke to her?

  Geoffrey : Yes, when I last spoke to her. At her spiritual retreat.

  Tom : Where's that?

  Geoffrey : In Wales, where she is staying with the Reverend Dennis bloody Sparrow!

  Diana : Golly gee whillikers.

  Tom : But. Oh, come along, Geoffrey. The man's a vicar; he's only ministering to her inner turmoil.

  Geoffrey : That's why when she rang me she was laughing and screaming and gasping, and I could hear a drunken vicar singing rude songs in the background. My wife has run off with a vicar and it's all your fault!

  [to Diana] 

  Geoffrey : And yours.

  [he stalks off] 

  Tom : This is terrible!

  Diana : Most alarming!

  Tom : A man of the cloth!

  Diana : Quite outrageous!

  [they both start laughing uproariously] 

  Tom : Oh, do stop laughing!

  Diana : Naughty songs!

  Tom : The poor boy.

• Tom : I want you to save my daughter-in-law.

  Diana : Oh, my God!

  Tom : She's lost her way as a wife and a mother.

  Diana : She's lost her way as a lush and a tart.

  Tom : She needs someone to take her by the hand.

  Diana : Or by the throat.

• Rev. Dennis Sparrow : [about Marion]  Where would I find her?

  Diana : Probably on her back in the off-license.