- Middle Aged Guy - Donovan McNabb imposter: Hey guys, I'm Donovan McNabb. Whoo. I play quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. And I'm here to tell you can, too, if you start everyday with a hearty breakfast from McDonald's. Uh, like the new Sausage Egg McGriddle Value Meal available now for a limited time for under five dollars. Remember guys, real champs eat at McDonald's. I'm lovin' it. Can I get the check?
- Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that garbage can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
- Frank Reynolds: Thank God you guys are here. How'd you get in here?
- Dennis Reynolds: What are you talking about?
- Frank Reynolds: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
- Artemis: I think he pooped in there.
- Coach: Come on, let's get on the bus.
- Mac: Bus? What the hell are you talking about?
- Coach: The bus that takes you to the field.
- Dennis Reynolds: Wait, I thought we were gonna be playing on the Linc.
- Coach: You think you dipshits are gonna be playing on the same field that champions play on?
- Mac: Where're we going?
- Coach: [mimicking in a high voice] "Where're we going?" We're going to a shitty high school in Berks County. Now get your ass on the bus. If I say it one more time, if I say it *one* more time, if I say it *one* more time! Sprint to the bus! Sprint to the bus!
- Dennis Reynolds: [inner monologue] I'm gonna make Mac look so bad. My form is perfect, I'm like Jerry Rice. Feel that stride, so fluid and fast. I've got the stride of a gazelle. A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person. My body is achieving a perfect symmetry right now. It's that long, lean muscle I've worked so hard to achieve. Hm, I should've popped my shirt off. Goddammit, really should've popped that shirt off. I wonder if any women are watching from the sidelines...
- [gets hit with football and is knocked unconscious]
- Dee Reynolds: [pretending to be a man] Coach, hi! Hi there. Cole. Cole Armstrong, three-time all-American fastest sprinter in five counties. Coach, would you like us to stand when you address us or do you prefer we take a knee?
- Coach: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!