- Amy Santiago: You're pretty hurt, huh?
- Jake Peralta: Yeah. It's very exciting. I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit. I mean, sure, I can't lift my arms, but Seabiscuit won without even having arms.
- Amy Santiago: What are you talking about?
- Jake Peralta: I don't know. I fell. We're already married. It doesn't matter.
- Charles Boyle: I was just wondering if you would like to take my place in a little squad competition today.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: Mm. I can't do competitions. I'm anti-dexterous.
- Charles Boyle: Hmm?
- Officer Debbie Fogle: It's when neither hand is good at anything.
- Raymond Holt: I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
- Rosa Diaz: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
- Jake Peralta: Rosa, I don't think he was...
- Raymond Holt: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.
- Raymond Holt: So, Diaz, I've never been more excited. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs, and I'm destined to win. Look at my competition.
- [about Debbie]
- Raymond Holt: Little Miss Hay For Brains.
- [about Hitchcock and Scully]
- Raymond Holt: The Hay Brains,
- [about Jake]
- Raymond Holt: and King Brain Made of Hay.
- Rosa Diaz: Well, you're forgetting about me. I'm also your competition.
- Raymond Holt: Yes, but you don't normally care about games like these.
- Rosa Diaz: Well, I do care about this game. And you're gonna lose because my brains aren't made of hay. My brains are made of brains.
- Raymond Holt: Oh, ho. The perfect retort.
- Jake Peralta: Squad, today we write a new chapter in the history of the Nine-Nine. And that chapter begins with the word "Jimmy," and ends with the word "Jab."
- Rosa Diaz: That chapter's only two words long.
- Jake Peralta: [Defensively] No, there's a lot of words in between. It's a long chapter.
- Terry Jeffords: Santiago and I are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.
- Amy Santiago: And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are gonna be there.
- Jake Peralta: I love you so much.
- Terry Jeffords: You're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
- Jake Peralta: In a rebellious color... champagne... which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
- Terry Jeffords: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
- Jake Peralta: Yeah, he turned it around on me.
- Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
- [He produces an enormous box, with hidden compartments, filled with pill boxes]
- Jake Peralta: Good God.
- Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.
- Jake Peralta: You wanna know why I really wanted that year of no paperwork? It's so if we did get pregnant, I would have more time to help with the baby.
- Amy Santiago: Aww.
- Jake Peralta: No, save your "aww." I don't deserve it. I'm just some boring, responsible guy that's about to lose our car.
- Amy Santiago: You're still pretty irresponsible.
- Jake Peralta: Aww. You're just saying that 'cause you're my wife.
- Amy Santiago: No, I'm not. Yesterday, you took the batteries out of our smoke detector to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.
- Jake Peralta: You noticed.
- Amy Santiago: Yeah. In a bad way.
- Terry Jeffords: Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.
- Amy Santiago: Actually, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay for the games.
- Jake Peralta: Ohh, look who's coming around already. We're gonna have fun.
- Amy Santiago: No, this isn't fun. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.
- Terry Jeffords: Yeah, I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.
- Amy Santiago: Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!
- Jake Peralta: [Jake has to break through a door to win the Jimmy Jab games] I can do this. For my wife.
- [He fells on the door and fails miserably]
- Jake Peralta: Ah, it didn't work. My skeleton feels like it's made of Skittles. I can't do it, Amy.
- Amy Santiago: Yes, you can, okay? You just need a little energy. And Debbie's EpiPens are full of adrenaline.
- Jake Peralta: Is that a smart thing to do?
- Amy Santiago: Probably not, but sometimes it's good to be a little irresponsible.
- Jake Peralta: You're gonna make me sick.
- Amy Santiago: It's better than losing our car.
- Jake Peralta: I mean, is it? 'Cause...
- [Amy sticks him with the EpiPen]
- Jake Peralta: I will never die!
- [He charges at the door]