My Family (TV Series)

Life Begins at Fifty (2007)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Janey Harper : Dad, listen, can you pick Kenzo up from nursery this afternoon and take him to the park? I've got to run some errands.

  Ben Harper : Yes, of course, darling! But I'll have to take my newspaper with me and, of course, my scotch...

• Janey Harper : Another rough night?

  Ben Harper : Nnnngh! Your mother! I can't take it any more - the mood swings, the emotional outbursts, the... ugh, the sweaty towels!

  Janey Harper : Well, you know what it is, don't you, dad?

  Ben Harper : I'm afraid so, Janey. Your mother's on drugs.

• Michael Harper : Dad, mum is going through the menopause.

  Ben Harper : What?

  Michael Harper : The change of life. Think about it: the mood swings, the hot flushes, the lapses in memory - she's been putting this family through hell.

  Ben Harper : Yeah!

  Michael Harper : That's normally your job.

• Ben Harper : I think we ought to sit down and have a little talk, don't you?

  Susan Harper : Yes. I think we do.

  Ben Harper : Yeah. Good. Because talking is good in a marriage, isn't it? Don't you think? You know, the give and take? The ebb and flow? The use of words into, sort of, sentences... and, erm... I mean, I love that about our marriage, don't you? I mean, the... you know, sort of loving gentle communication...

  Susan Harper : I got arrested for shoplifting!

• Susan Harper : I told you I have no idea how those sunglasses got into my pocket.

  Store Detective : Look, it should never have got as far as the police. You know, I've had a word with the store manager and we don't want to go ahead with the prosecution.

  Ben Harper : You see? That's very good, isn't it? Isn't that generous, Susan?

  Store Detective : Well, we don't want the bad publicity. We're aware that many of our clientele are women of a certain age.

  Susan Harper : A certain age!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, that's a bad area, John! Bad area!

  Store Detective : The thing is, Mrs Harper, this happens more often than you think. Now we'll drop the charges if you come back to the police station and explain that you were simply forgetful. You know, if you're going through that... time of life...

  Susan Harper : Time of life?

  Ben Harper : Don't go there, Johnny boy! Don't go there! Listen, listen... Don't dismiss it out of hand entirely, Susan. I mean, you know - eh, eh, forgetful! Fah! I mean, this could be a get out of jail free card, literally!

  Susan Harper : No!

  Ben Harper : Come on, Susan! Please! Please! John's trying to be helpful!

  Susan Harper : Oh, I know what Joseph's trying to say and I know EXACTLY what he's trying to suggest! Now get out of my house!

  Store Detective : You're making things very difficult!

  Store Detective : Well, thank you very much, Jeremy, but I don't need your help! I did not steal those sunglasses and I am NOT forgetful!

• Ben Harper : Susan, have you got that really smart suit that you sometimes wear?

  Susan Harper : Yes. Why?

  Ben Harper : Because you're going to court on Tuesday.

• Michael Harper : [Performing a lie detector test on Susan]  OK, mum. Did you deliberately steal those sunglasses?

  Susan Harper : No, I did not.

  [Lie detector stays quiet] 

  Susan Harper : There. You see?

  Ben Harper : Alright. OK. Hang on. Did you absent-mindedly put them in your pocket and leave the store without paying for them?

  Susan Harper : No.

  [Lie detector goes loud] 

  Susan Harper : This is ridiculous! The machine's obviously broken!

  Ben Harper : Susan, please! You can tell us! I mean, there are no secrets between us, are there?

  Susan Harper : Of course not!

  [Lie detector goes haywire] 

  Susan Harper : I'm going for a lie down.

  [Lie detector goes haywire again] 

  Susan Harper : Alright, I'm going for a drink!

  [Lie detector is quiet] 

• Ben Harper : You know, Mikey? I sometimes think I chose the wrong career. I can see myself crossing swords with the great legal minds, tying witnesses up in knots, shocking the court with some last-minute piece of evidence.

  Michael Harper : Yeah, well, it's got to be better than looking in people's gobs all day!

• Judge : Crown v Susan Harper. Who's representing Mrs Harper?

  Ben Harper : I am, your honour.

  Judge : Er... Oh. I don't believe we've met before. Are you a solicitor or a barrister?

  Ben Harper : I'm a dentist.

• Ben Harper : Mr Barker, on the day of the incident, had you, erm... been drinking at all?

  Store Detective : No.

  Ben Harper : Really? But you yourself said the incident took place at... 2.30pm after lunch.

  Store Detective : Yes.

  Ben Harper : Really? Are you seriously standing here in a court of law under oath while suggesting you do not drink at lunchtime?

  Store Detective : That's right.

  Ben Harper : Your honour, please! How much more of this must we sit through? Everyone has a drink at lunchtime! Mmm! I myself have an absolute minimum of two pints!

  Judge : Before performing dental work on your patients?

  Ben Harper : Erm...

  [Mumbles in embarrassment]