- Kevin Smith: [after he tells the audience the "Anal fissure" story] from this experience I learned one of the most important lessons in life: if you don't have good healthy rectal health you got DOG SHIT, thank you everybody for coming out!
- Kevin Smith: [Describing his phone conversation with Bruce Willis after filming Live Free or Die Hard]
- Kevin Smith: [Imitating Bruce Willis] Kevin, it's Bruce Willis
- Kevin Smith: Hey man, how the fuck are you?
- Kevin Smith: [Imitating Bruce Willis] Good, just enjoying the anniversary of the birth of our nation's independence, we're having barbeques in Sun Valley we're going to be doing some fireworks in a little bit, it's all good, it's a great day, how about you?
- Kevin Smith: I'm just hanging out in Vegas, hey congratulations on the opening, it was a strong opening looks like it's going to be highest grossing of all the Die Hard movies,
- Kevin Smith: [Imitating Bruce Willis] It is, it's going to be the biggest one yet which is great, it turned into a great movie
- Kevin Smith: It did turn into a really pimp movie congratulations
- Kevin Smith: [Imitating Bruce Willis] Well, we worked hard on it, you know that, you were there
- Kevin Smith: For a little bit
- Kevin Smith: [Imitating Bruce Willis] Let ask you something? You're from Jersey, I'm from Jersey, you write, direct, I act. We should do something together
- Kevin Smith: [Drops the microphone to imply he was shocked]