Psych (TV Series)
Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder (2007)
Dulé Hill: Burton Guster
Quotes
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Shawn Spencer : You know, I went to two comic book stores and three women's volleyball games looking for you. Luckily, your phones has GPS.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : You tracked me?
Shawn Spencer : Yes, I did, with a little help from my friends at your wireless service provider. By the way, they might be calling. They think you're a fugitive from justice. Run with it.
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Farmer Al Mooney : A guy came in here a couple of weeks ago, and he had the exact same questions.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Do you remember this person's name?
Farmer Al Mooney : Can't say that I do, but I remember exactly what he looked like.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Can you give us a description?
Farmer Al Mooney : Yeah, okay. The guy was about nine feet tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamus for a hand.
[beat]
Burton 'Gus' Guster : I don't think I have any more questions.
Shawn Spencer : Yep, that'll do it.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : Call the restaurant and make a reservation... for justice.
Shawn Spencer : Is "justice" the time or the number of people in our party?
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : I told her I was working part-time at a psychic detective agency. She must have misunderstood because now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective and that you're...
Shawn Spencer : Gay?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : No.
Shawn Spencer : German?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : No.
Shawn Spencer : Invisible?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : My assistant, Shawn!
Shawn Spencer : Wow.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : I sense that you're at peace with your husband's passing.
Mrs. Wagner : Well, not exactly at peace, but it wasn't easy being married to a food critic. He rated everything I did.
Shawn Spencer : [suggestively] Surely he couldn't have rated *everything*.
[Shawn chuckles, but stops when Mrs. Wagner nods]
Mrs. Wagner : I never broke two stars.
Shawn Spencer : Wow, that's... awfully harsh.
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Uncle Burton Guster : I wanna thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You're a regular "Rockford Files".
[Uncle Burton leaves]
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?
Shawn Spencer : More important question: How much TV does he watch?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : I'm serious, Shawn. My cousin took him to the Super Bowl on a helicopter, and he never even thanked him for that.
Shawn Spencer : I'm serious, too. He's like this crazy tank-shaped encyclopedia of detective shows. I bet he even saw "Manimal".
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[Shawn is doing charades so Gus can look psychic in front of his uncle]
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Somebody... at a restaurant... put something in his food... which made him sick... and that is what *killed*...
[Shawn touches his nose]
Burton 'Gus' Guster : That's what killed his *nose*!
[Shawn mouths 'NO!']
Burton 'Gus' Guster : That is what killed him!
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : The cops already have a suspect, but we're pretty sure that Chef Antonio was framed.
Henry Spencer : Well, then I assume you know all about the veggie burger incident.
Shawn Spencer : Of course we know about the veggie burger incident, Dad. We're professional detectives.
[beat]
Shawn Spencer : Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Googling it.
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Shawn Spencer : His tongue was coated black. Now, what else could possibly cause something like that?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Bismuth subsalicylate.
Shawn Spencer : That dude who used to play for the Mavericks?
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Cooper : We call them the Angry Chef Letters. Every chef who ever got a bad review would write a nasty letter to Mr. Wagner about it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : So you're saying this is all hate mail?
Cooper : Well, I don't know if I'd call it all "hate" mail. It ranges from "mild dislike" mail to "extreme abhorrence" mail...
Shawn Spencer : How about "I wish you were dead" mail?
Cooper : Oh, we have those, too. Back here.
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Shawn Spencer : The curvy A!
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Curvy A? That doesn't sound like a place that serves food, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer : It's not the name, it's the symbol on top of the box. Come on, man, you eat out all the time. What place has a big swoopy, curving A?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : I don't know. What does it look like?
[Shawn grabs a pen, draws the logo on Gus's hand]
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Antonio's!
Shawn Spencer : Sweet!
Burton 'Gus' Guster : [frowns] Why did you write on my hand?
Shawn Spencer : Why would I write on my own hand? This thing is totally permanent.