Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity (2007 TV Special)
Jeff Dunham: Self, Walter, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, Melvin the Superhero Guy, Peanut, José Jalapeño on a Stick
Quotes
-
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death!
[laughs evilly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yes, yes! I did the same thing with two Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes, yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
Jeff Dunham : Achmed, stop doing that! You can't tell jokes like that!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Why not? I'm killing... so to speak!
-
[repeated line]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
-
Jeff Dunham : So, you're a terrorist?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yes. I am a terrorist.
Jeff Dunham : What kind of terrorist?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : A terrifying... terrorist.
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Are you scared?
Jeff Dunham : Not really, no.
[Achmed growls]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : And now?
Jeff Dunham : Not really, no.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Hu-HA!
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [hopeful] How about now?
Jeff Dunham : No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : God damn it.
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [realizing] Oh! I mean, uh... "Allah" damn it.
[laughter]
-
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham : Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Me, I kill you!
-
Jeff Dunham : Do you have a weakness?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Cupcakes... and porn.
[audience laughs]
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Not at the same time! I need a free hand.
-
Jeff Dunham : How do you spell your name?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : A - -C - -phleeemmm.
-
Peanut : In a weird and twisted kind of way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me! When you're laying around thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?", that's Walter. When you're so angry you want to kill her, that's Achmed!
Jeff Dunham : What's José Jalapeño on a Stick?
Peanut : You're a sick man!
-
Jeff Dunham : Good evening, José.
José Jalapeño : Hola, Señor Jeff.
[pronounces it "Heff"]
Jeff Dunham : All right. It's good to see you. It's good to see you.
José Jalapeño : Gracias, Señor Jeff.
[again pronounces it "Heff"]
Peanut : Excuse me!
Jeff Dunham : What?
Peanut : Who the hell is Heff?
Jeff Dunham : He said "Jeff".
Peanut : No, he said, "Heff"!
Jeff Dunham : It's the same thing.
Peanut : Uh, no, it's nooot! José, what'd you say?
José Jalapeño : I said, "Señor Jeff".
[again pronounces it "Heff", but this time with a hacking phlegm sound]
Peanut : What the f... Now he said "Heff"!
[with a hacking sound]
Jeff Dunham : It's all the same!
Peanut : What? Didn't you watch "Sesame Street"? Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff, and...
[pronounces it with the hacking sound]
Peanut : Heff is Heff.
[singing to "One of These Things"]
Peanut : One of these things just doesn't belong here!
-
Jeff Dunham : When it comes to dogs, the big ones or little ones, I have criteria for what is and is not a dog. Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks. Not a dog. Anything I can easily dropkick over my back fence, not a dog. Anything that's regularly terrified by a running *leaf*. It's not a dog, it's a yapping Beanie Baby. That's what that is.
-
Jeff Dunham : I figured out size does matter in the canine brain. Bill, golden retriever, very smart animal. When he was a puppy and I had to potty train him, if he pooped on the living room carpet, I stuck his nose in it. Three times later, he figured out "Ooh, I'm not supposed to crap here." Next two dogs, same thing. Now the little brain dead chihuahua comes along; she poops on the living room carpet, I stick her nose in it. Three times later, she thinks "Ooh, I'm not supposed to crap ever." And that's why they shake.
-
Jeff Dunham : You mispronounced my last name!
Peanut : [whispering] I knooow!
Jeff Dunham : It's "Dunham".
Peanut : Not when you look at it. It says "Dun-HAM." "Jeff Dun-HAM." "HAAAAM!" You're the other white meat.
Jeff Dunham : Don't confuse everyone, it's "Dunham".
Peanut : It says "Dun-HAM." "Ham, Ham, HAAAAM."
[makes pig noise, cow noise, and chicken noise]
Peanut : Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com! Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com!
Peanut : And... and you know... you know when you think about it for thirty seconds, it's actually "Jef-fafa" Dun-HAM... dot com!
Jeff Dunham : What?
Peanut : Jef-fafa.
Jeff Dunham : Fafa?
Peanut : You're using an unneeded F. Jef-fafa... Dun-HAM... dot com! Am I pissing you off-fafa? Jef-fafa? Dun-HAM... dot com. You know, the weird part is I *am* actually pissing him off! And he would like to *kill me*! But he will not, because that would be a form of *suicide*.
[laughter]
Peanut : You want to kill me!
Jeff Dunham : No, I don't.
Peanut : Yes, you do.
Jeff Dunham : No.
Peanut : Yes.
Jeff Dunham : No.
Peanut : Yes.
Jeff Dunham : No.
Peanut : Yes.
Jeff Dunham : No.
Peanut : [in a Darth Vader voice] Search your feelings, Jef-fafa. Dun-HAM... dot com!
-
Jeff Dunham : So what's your question? And be nice.
Peanut : Okay. Ummm, you're a jalapeño.
José Jalapeño : Si, Señor. On a stick.
Peanut : Right. And you're a Mexican jalapeño.
José Jalapeño : On a stick.
Peanut : Right. Are you a legal Mexican jalapeño?
[audience laughs, Jeff stares at him]
Peanut : What? What did I say?
Jeff Dunham : This is not the appropriate time or place to ask that!
Peanut : Too late! HA HA HA HA! So José, are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Lega-lega-lega-lega-lega... lega... lega... le... lmmm?
[Jeff looks at him sternly]
-
Walter : [referring to his argument on the phone with his wife] You heard a little of that, didn't ya?
Jeff Dunham : Oh yeah.
Walter : I hung up on her.
Jeff Dunham : Not good.
Walter : Yeah. She called back and she's like "Did you hang up on me?" I said "I don't know, did it sound something like this - CLICK!"
Jeff Dunham : Did that make her angry?
Walter : Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force!
-
Peanut : [about Jeff's wife] She's not exactly bad-looking.
Jeff Dunham : No.
Peanut : She's ho-T. And her prime is now... yours was twenty years ago.
-
[a cameraman on stage goes directly into Walter's face]
Walter : Holy crap! Wait, wait, come back. Let me look in there. This is Comedy Central! I can see Cartman. I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed.
-
Jeff Dunham : So, Achmed, where did you come from?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : From your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahahahahaha! I told another joke!
Jeff Dunham : So if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting past security?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, that's easy. They just open the case and I go, "Hel-looooooooo. I am Lindsay Lohan!"
-
[first lines]
[referring to the standing ovation Jeff received]
Jeff Dunham : Well, you can't fool me. I know that every bit of that is for the little guys in the suitcase.
-
[opening scene: Walter, Jeff Dunham, Peanut, Jeff's wife Paige, and José Jalapeño on a Stick are all in bed]
Walter : Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons!
Jeff Dunham : Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow.
Peanut : He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak!
Paige Dunham : Would you idiots give it a rest?
José Jalapeño : [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick?
Paige Dunham : Aaaaaaaah!
-
[Achmed's torso is backwards and Jeff just turned it around]
Jeff Dunham : Just sit still.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Okay, I will not move my ass.
Walter : [from the suitcase] You idiot, you don't have an ass!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Is that Walter?
Jeff Dunham : Yes.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
Jeff Dunham : Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : He has gas. Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart!
-
Jeff Dunham : During the holidays last year, we had to take the Hummer and get a little maintenance done on it. And then we went to pick it up when it was finished and we're driving home, and my wife is behind me, she's driving the Hummer, and I'm in front, I'm driving the Prius. I was tricked somehow. I don't know how that happened. But she calls me on the cell phone and she's laughin'. Let me explain to you why. The Prius that we own is not a black Prius, it's not a red Prius. It's a blue Prius. But it's not really a blue Prius, it's more of a "blue" Prius. It's pretty. Sparkly! I did that a little too well, didn't I? And also, while I'm driving, I'm holding in my left arm my wife's three pound chihuahua. And you have to hold this dog when you're driving, otherwise, it'll fall down between the seats, and you're like, "Where the hell is that dog? Oh, there you are. Let me put down the parking brake. That'll hold ya, ya little bastard." "Oh, I gotta shift."
[imitates chihuahua yelping]
Jeff Dunham : "Oh! Oh... That was your head. I'm sorry. I thought it was the little shifty thingy. It's the same size, and leather and fur, I don't know the difference. I thought I was grinding the gears." "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Thanks for laughing at that. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night. And then also that morning, unbeknownst to me, I don't know why I didn't see it, but my children have gone out before me, and they had taken out some of those vinyl window holiday decorations and they put them all over the back window of the Prius. There was Christmas trees and Santa Claus and snowflakes. It was so pretty. My wife calls me, she's laughing hysterically. I'm like, "What's so funny?" She goes, "Can you see yourself?" I'm like, "What?" She goes, "You're driving a powder-blue Prius, you're holding a three-pound chihuahua, there's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car, and you make a living with dolls! You're gay!" "Click!"
-
Jeff Dunham : Catwoman?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : You know I used to date Catwoman.
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Oh, yeah, but she gave me something I had to take medicine to get rid of. And boy, does it itch! And now it burns when I fly! Da da da daAHHHHHH!
[Melvin's hair falls off and the audience laughs]
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Son of a bitch!
[looks down and looks back up]
Melvin the Superhero Guy : It's the terrorists, I tell you!
[Jeff picks up his hair]
Melvin the Superhero Guy : I look like Lex Luthor. Can you put it back?
Jeff Dunham : Sure.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Okay.
[Jeff puts his hair back on and he laughs a bit]
Jeff Dunham : How's that?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Da da da da. That kinda sucked.
-
Jeff Dunham : Did you like Ft. Lauderdale, Florida?
Walter : No.
Jeff Dunham : Why not?
Walter : Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, looks exactly like me! I swear it's like one giant nursing home!
Jeff Dunham : Well, I heard that Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape a lot of those "Girls Gone Wild" videos.
Walter : Oh, that's only during Spring Break. The rest of the year, it's "Girls Gone Saggy." Then it's "Girls Gone Senile." Then it's just "Girls Gone."
-
Peanut : WHAT? The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk - THAT'S IT! Focus!
[to the audience]
Peanut : I am so sick of this crap! I have tried going solo!
Jeff Dunham : What happened?
Peanut : [referring to the stand] Kept falling off this frickin' thing.
-
[after Jeff briefly brushes his nose with his hand]
Peanut : What the hell was that?
Jeff Dunham : What was what?
Peanut : What did you just do?
Jeff Dunham : I didn't do anything.
Peanut : [stage whisper] You picked your nose!
[laughter]
Peanut : Did you see that? Oh my God! You freakin'
[with heavy emphasis]
Peanut : *picked* your *nose*!
[laughter, as Peanut tries to get a closer look at Jeff's nostril]
Jeff Dunham : What?
Peanut : You didn't do a very good job!
[laughter and applause]
Peanut : There's still something there!
Jeff Dunham : Cut it out!
Peanut : You gotta get it!
Jeff Dunham : Stop!
Peanut : It's wiggling!
Jeff Dunham : Stop it!
[laughter]
Peanut : Ooh, wait. You're a ventriloquist; make it *talk*.
[laughter]
Peanut : That'd be funny as hell! Ooh, and give it a French accent.
[laughter]
-
[after Peanut's joke about Jeff driving a Prius]
Peanut : You know what would be funny as hell?
Jeff Dunham : What?
Peanut : When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show was sponsored by Toyota.
[laughter]
Peanut : And they have no idea. One night, they're watching this like
[with a mock Japanese accent]
Peanut : "Hey! He making fun of our car! He say our car is gay! It not gay, he gay! Let's get Godzilla to kill him!"
[laughter]
-
[about Walter's wife giving him a book on reincarnation]
Walter : Maybe one day I'll be reincarnated and come back as a sensitive guy.
Jeff Dunham : Sure.
Walter : Driving blue frickin' Prius.
[laughter]
Walter : That is the saddest little vehicle.
Jeff Dunham : It's a great car!
Walter : You ever heard it when you drive by?
Jeff Dunham : No.
Walter : It goes "IIIIII'MMMMMMM GAY".
[laughter]
Walter : "IIIIII'MMMMMMM GAY".
[laughter]
Walter : Yeah, and when it idles, it goes "Homohomohomohomohomo."
[laughter]
-
[Jeff is trying to fix Achmed's feet after they get twisted around]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Stop touching me!
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I... kill... you!
[laughter]
-
[during his performance, Achmed's feet get twisted around]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I need some ligaments!
-
[repeated line]
Peanut : Jef-fafa... Dun-HAM... Dot com!
-
Peanut : [running his hand through his hair] NEEEYOW!
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] What's wrong with you tonight?
Walter : I don't know. I'm just pissed. I don't wanna go home.
Jeff Dunham : Why not?
Walter : I think my house is haunted.
Jeff Dunham : Why do you think that?
Walter : My wife is there. I walk in the front door and all I hear is "Get out...!"
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Melvin] So, you're friends with other superheroes?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Uh, some of them.
Jeff Dunham : How about Aquaman?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Ah, no.
Jeff Dunham : I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yeah, great, he has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham : How about the Hulk?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham : Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yeah, like every white trash guy on "Cops".
-
Jeff Dunham : [referring to the suicide bomber training camp] Is that a nice facility?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It used to be.
Jeff Dunham : What happened?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : New guy. The idiot tried to practice.
Jeff Dunham : What did you guys learn from that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Location, location, location.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to José] I'm very happy to have you in the act.
José Jalapeño : Gracias, Señor.
Peanut : Just make sure he's legal!
Jeff Dunham : He's legal!
Peanut : Okay!
Jeff Dunham : Why are you so concerned?
Peanut : Are you not concerned?
Jeff Dunham : Why should I be concerned?
Peanut : He works for *you*! If some of those laws pass and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! And trust me, you would not do well in prison.
Jeff Dunham : Why not?
Peanut : Ha! Come here, puppet boy! Make your daddy talk!
-
Jeff Dunham : [to José] Do you enjoy being in this country?
José Jalapeño : Sometimes, I'm afraid for my life.
Jeff Dunham : Why?
Peanut : [whispering] Taco Bell!
-
Jeff Dunham : [after Walter's experience in Ft. Lauderdale] So you went someplace a little cooler.
Walter : Yeah.
Jeff Dunham : Do you remember? We went to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Walter : Yeah, in February! It was negative twenty, with a negative-thirty windchill! I get onstage every night, and I'd say, "You people are idiots. Did you know the borders are open? Pack up your suburban and get the hell out!"
-
Jeff Dunham : [trying to fix Achmed's feet after they get twisted around] All right, just hold on. We'll fix this.
[lifts Achmed in the air]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Okay.
[Jeff lifts Achmed in the air to fix him]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Wait, what are you doing? Holy crap, I'm in the air! Wait, wait!
[Jeff turns Achmed's pelvis around, which is backwards]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Something is backwards! Holy crap!
[Jeff sets Achmed back down, his feet apparently fixed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I need some ligaments.
-
Walter : [about his experience at Green Bay] And another thing: Green Bay Packers stadium. What's it called?
Jeff Dunham : Lambeau Field.
Walter : Lambeau Field; no roof. Helloooo! How many weekends during football season is good weather in Green Bay? That would be, *none*. Note to self: build a frickin' roof! We have the technology. You talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say?
[mimicking shivering]
Walter : "We love it here! We're a hardy people!" Bunch of frozen dumbasses is what you are.
-
Jeff Dunham : Another way the chihuahua proved her lack of intelligence: most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you put it in your mouth and you run with it, you put the stick in your mouth sideways.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : I am not kidding. This little idiot dog found a stick about as long as she was; she stuck it her mouth to run with it, but it was sticking straight out the front.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : This is all true. We were all sitting on the couch watching TV, she comes running through the house as fast as she can, that stick's sticking straight out, and as she runs across the carpet in front of us, for some reason she decided to quickly look down.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : Oh, yeah. Stick stuck in the carpet, crammed down her throat; with momentum, she actually pole vaulted over the stick.
[he pantomimes, to raucous laughter]
Jeff Dunham : Of course, my wife and my girls were all like "Ahh!". I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : And then I thought "Damn. If she'd have been going just a little faster, I'd have a new puppet. A chihuahua on a stick."
-
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Two Jews walk in a bar...
Jeff Dunham : No. No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What?
Jeff Dunham : No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!
-
Jeff Dunham : You know, they're putting a lot more National Guard on the border between the U.S. and Mexico. Does this concern you?
José Jalapeño : No, señor.
Jeff Dunham : Why not?
Peanut : He's already here! You really are an idiot!
Jeff Dunham : So, José, are you here on a temporary visa? Are you here on a work visa?
Peanut : He's here on a stick!
-
Jeff Dunham : So you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I don't think so.
Jeff Dunham : You don't think you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No.
Jeff Dunham : Why not?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Look at my ass. It says: "Made in China".
-
Jeff Dunham : So do you like being in D.C.?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I think some idiots must live here.
Jeff Dunham : Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : For example, The Washington Monument.
Jeff Dunham : Yes?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.
-
Jeff Dunham : So, Melvin, whenever there is trouble, how are you summoned?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Oh, I'm making a deal with the commissioner to get a spotlight with a silhouette of my symbol.
Jeff Dunham : Your symbol?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes. A big nose in the sky. Only problem is that it doesn't always look like a nose. It's not a cupcake either.
-
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins!
[looks at audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Are you my virgins? I hope not.
Jeff Dunham : Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there!
-
Jeff Dunham : So when you died, did you see a white light?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I saw a Blue Prius! Do you really own one of those vehicles?
Jeff Dunham : Yes.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : *That's* not a car! That's a lunch box!
-
Jeff Dunham : José, I must say you speak English very well.
José Jalapeño : Gracias, Señor.
Jeff Dunham : What were some of the first phrases you learned in English?
Peanut : "Will you help me push my car?" "Does this I.D. look real to you?"
Jeff Dunham : Will you stop it?
Peanut : "Where's the nearest Home Depot?"
Jeff Dunham : Stop it!
José Jalapeño : Actually, that last one was true.
-
Jeff Dunham : José?
José Jalapeño : ¿Sí, Señor?
Jeff Dunham : Are you legal to be in this country?
José Jalapeño : Sí, Señor, I have my green card.
Peanut : Yeah? Well, where is your green card?
José Jalapeño : It's in my other stick.
[Peanut and Jeff look at José, and then at José's stick and then at each other]
Peanut : Did you know he had another stick?
Jeff Dunham : I had no idea.
Peanut : You know what that means?
Jeff Dunham : What?
Peanut : It means that one comes out!
[Peanut examines José's stick again]
Peanut : Oh, my God!
Jeff Dunham : What?
Peanut : I thought it was just stuck up his ass!
Jeff Dunham : What's wrong?
Peanut : He doesn't have an ass! He's just a jalapeño!
José Jalapeño : On a stick!
Peanut : I know!
-
Jeff Dunham : So you did this all for a bunch of virgins?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike Bar.
-
Jeff Dunham : So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you here me now?
[Imitates explosion]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
Jeff Dunham : That's too bad.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.
-
Jeff Dunham : So um, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.
Jeff Dunham : No, I mean some people say they see a white light. What did you see?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I saw flying car parts.
Jeff Dunham : What as the last thing that went though your mind?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : My ass.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Walter told me to tell that joke.
Jeff Dunham : So you never saw a white light?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No, but I saw a blue Prius!
-
Jeff Dunham : What I'm about to tell you has happened *five* different times, so it can't be coincidence. Now, the three chihuahuas sleep in the bed with my wife and me. And every once in a while, my wife and I will get into an argument, we'll go to bed angry; I know you're not supposed to do that, but we're tired.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : Little Rusty hears the argument, he knows we're not happy with each other, and apparently, he takes my side because at three or four in the morning, he will wake up and pee on my wife.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : I am not kidding! It's the greatest thing *ever*!
-
Walter : I get screwed on my taxes every year, so it's fun to come visit the source.
-
Jeff Dunham : So, Jose, are you saying have yourself a new girlfriend?
José Jalapeño : Si, Senor.
Peanut : What's that? A frickin' pickle on a pencil?
Jeff Dunham : [shouts] Stop it!
-
Jeff Dunham : So if you're a terrorist, I suppose you have some kind of specialty.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yes. I am a suicide bomber.
Jeff Dunham : Ah. So, you're finished.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What?
Jeff Dunham : You've done your job.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No I haven't.
Jeff Dunham : But you're dead.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No I'm not. I feel fine.
Jeff Dunham : But you're all bone.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It's a flesh wound.
-
Jeff Dunham : [Walter is complaining about suicide bombers] You know, Walter, those guys actually believe that if they martyred themselves like that, there'll be 72 virgins waiting for 'em in paradise.
Walter : Well, April Fool, dumb-ass! If there are virgins waiting for you, there'll be 72 guys just like you! "Oh, no, this is not what Osama said it would be!" Seventy-two virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what the hell they're doing?
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] Your birthday wasn't too long ago. Did your wife get you anything?
Walter : Yeah, she got me a book on reincarnation.
Jeff Dunham : Oh, do you believe in reincarnation?
Walter : Hell, I don't know.
Jeff Dunham : Well, if it happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter : I would come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone!
-
Jeff Dunham : [mentioning his blue Prius] I'm not used to a vehicle like this. So far, I've had big trucks and big SUVs, and the one vehicle I refuse to get rid of. I've had it for ten years, it's paid for, I love this thing, I've taken good care of it. I know it's not politically correct to drive it anymore, but I don't care. It's the H-1 Hummer, the real one, the big one, the military version. Oh, yeah. I love this thing! It has a 38-gallon tank... gets seven miles to the gallon... diesel, where I live, and its peak was $3.84 cents a gallon. Yeah! I went to fill it up that week. It wasn't even empty. It cost me $148! I pushed the vehicle home! As it rolled into the driveway, I called my kids out, and I said, "Girls, look at our new front yard ornament!" I get in the Prius. Vroom! "You suck, Dad!" Beep, beep! I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Melvin] It's a very nice costume.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Thank you.
Jeff Dunham : What does the D stand for?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Oh, that's my theme song.
Jeff Dunham : You have a theme song? What's your theme song?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Da-dada-daaaaaa!
Jeff Dunham : And where'd you get the costume?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : That, my friend, is a superhero secret.
Jeff Dunham : eBay?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Damn it! How did you deduce that?
Jeff Dunham : There's a tag on the back that says "eBay". It's as plain as the nose on your...
[Melvin suddenly looks at him]
Jeff Dunham : Oops, sorry.
-
Peanut : I have a question for José.
[pronounces it "Josie"]
José Jalapeño : My name is José.
[pronounces it correctly]
Peanut : Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were in America, speaking frickin' English! But I didn't see the little chicka over the E, which magically changes "Josie" into frickin' "José"! And I didn't see that nye over the N, which changes "jalapeno"...
[pronounces it "jalapeeno"]
Peanut : ...into "jalapeño".
[pronounces it "jalapaynyo" with a hacking sound]
Peanut : So with a nye over the N and a chicka over the E, two keys I can never frickin' find on a frickin' keyboard... Apparently, it's a secret known only to the Mexicans. So José, what are you typing? Oh, I'm sorry. Talk about hunt-and-peck.
Jeff Dunham : I'm sorry, José.
José Jalapeño : It's okay. I'm going to hire Achmed to kill him.
-
Peanut : [about José] How did he get on the stick?
Jeff Dunham : I don't know.
Peanut : Had like a horrible pogo accident. You know, doing, doing, crack!
José Jalapeño : OLÉ!
-
Jeff Dunham : Come on, Walter, do you like being in D.C.?
Walter : Oh, yeah, there's nothing quite like being mugged in our nation's capital.
-
Jeff Dunham : [Peanut is making fun of both Jeff and José] I'm sorry, José.
José Jalapeño : It's okay.
Jeff Dunham : Okay.
José Jalapeño : He's an idiot.
Peanut : You're on a stick! Stic-ka-ka! Jef-fa-fa! Ha-ha-ha!
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed] You really are dead.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Are you sure?
Jeff Dunham : Yes.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I just got my flu shot.
-
Peanut : You go purple, you never go back!
-
Jeff Dunham : [Walter is complaining about Ft. Lauderdale] You didn't like the weather there, either.
Walter : Oh my god! Even in the middle of the winter, it's humid as hell and hot as hell! We got there. I took a shower on Monday. Friday, I'm still not dry. I swear, I grew moss on my ass!
Jeff Dunham : Yeah, you said the weather changes too quickly.
Walter : Yeah, I know it changes fast everywhere else in the country, but in Florida, it's ridiculous.
Jeff Dunham : What are you talking about?
Walter : Oh my god, I was standing there on the beach, in the sunshine, having a little iced tea. I looked over and I go, "Oh, look, a little cloud!" About three minutes later...
[mimics the sound of heavy wind blowing while swaying his head around in a circle]
Walter : HOLY CRAAAAAAP! The locals are hanging onto the palm trees! "We love it here!" Ya dumbasses! I say leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out!
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Melvin] So what have you done lately?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Uh, today, I was battling a terrorist.
Jeff Dunham : Achmed?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes!
Jeff Dunham : In what kind of battle?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Checkers. And every time I get a king, he'd blow it up!
Jeff Dunham : So what did you do?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : I issued a verbal threat, and then Walter gassed him.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] Marriage is an institution.
Walter : So is Alcatraz.
Jeff Dunham : You can't compare marriage to prison.
Walter : Yeah, I guess you're right. The warden doesn't max out your credit cards.
-
[Achmed is telling racist jokes]
Jeff Dunham : You can't tell jokes like that.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Why?
Jeff Dunham : It offends people.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I'm dead, what do I care?
-
Jeff Dunham : Well, Melvin, do you have any powers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes!
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Uh-huh!
Jeff Dunham : Like what?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : I can fly.
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham : How far?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : How far can you throw me?
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] You don't like the humidity, you don't like the extreme cold. We went someplace warmer and drier.
Walter : Yeah.
Jeff Dunham : How about, uh... Let me see... August, we were in Phoenix.
Walter : August in Phoenix, Arizona. Your agent is a moron. It was 112 three days in a row! But what do all the locals say? "But it's a dry heat!" Screw you! A bonfire is a dry heat. You don't see any stick up my ass in one of those, do you? "Your ass is on fire!" "It's a dry heat! I was in Florida, I gotta burn off the frickin' moss!"
-
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Wait! I could have Clay Aiken!
[the audience laughs weakly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Hahahahahahahahaha! I told a joke!
-
Jeff Dunham : [about his golden retriever Bill] I named him Bill 'cause I got him when Clinton was in office, and as a puppy he was humping *everything*.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed] Do you guys have any kind of motto?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Like what?
Jeff Dunham : Well, you know, like "We are looking for a few good men"?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : We are looking for some idiots with no future.
Jeff Dunham : So where do you get your recruits?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : The suicide hotline.
-
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration!
-
Walter : What happens in D.C. stays on YouTube!
-
Walter : [sees cameraman in the back] Look, it's the CIA. I see you! We can all see you! You know, the show looks a lot better from the front. Is the director drunk? What the hell?
[cameraman walks off]
-
Peanut : [about the Blue Prius] That's a tiny little car, isn't it?
Jeff Dunham : It's small.
Peanut : Yeah, I bet to get it in and out you've gotta use a lot of lotion!
[audience bursts out laughing, Peanut laughs]
Jeff Dunham : He he. It's not funny.
Peanut : They are laughing like hell!
-
Jeff Dunham : One more superhero: Batman.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Oh...
Jeff Dunham : What?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Grown men wearing a rubber suit... hanging around with a young boy! I don't need to have x-ray vision to see what the hell is going on there!
Jeff Dunham : Yeah, I've always wondered about superheroes and their young men sidekicks.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : [stares at Jeff] You have five men in a suitcase, and one of them is on a stick! Who's sliding down the proverbial back pole now? If you had a theme song, it would be, "La lala laaaaaa!"
Jeff Dunham : You know, I have a wife and three kids.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : So does Tom Cruise!
-
Jeff Dunham : I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.
-
Jeff Dunham : Do you have any other powers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : X-ray vision.
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham : Well, can you see through something practical? Like clothes?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Oh, you're sick! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss! I love looking at boobies! Ah-ha! There's a beautiful pair right there! Oh, I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts! Oh, I forgot. I can't see through silicone.
[audience groans]
Melvin the Superhero Guy : What? Those are good ones. Those are *super*-hooters! If she had a theme song, it would be, "Ta tata ta!" And if she had a costume it would have *two* D's on her chest. Yeah, I can look, but I can't touch.
Jeff Dunham : Why?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : I'm lactose intolerant.
-
Jeff Dunham : So, superheroes date each other?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes, and we also date mortals, too. Did you know that Superman once dated Rosie O'Donnell?
Jeff Dunham : I did not know that.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yeah, but he had to quit her because she got too big. Can you imagine flying around Metropolis with a big girl in your arms? Da dada da! Oof! This looks like a job for Slim-Fast!
-
[Peanut is implying Jeff's wife cheats on him when he's on the road]
Peanut : How do you know?
Jeff Dunham : I trust her.
[Peanut snorts]
-
[about his daughter teasing their dog with a self-retracting leash]
Jeff Dunham : I'm like, "Kenna, what are you doing?" She goes "I'm tryng to make her heel automatically." I'm like "Kenna!"
[pause]
Jeff Dunham : "It doesn't work; I've already tried it."
[laughter]
-
Jeff Dunham : Does your wife have any superpowers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes! Once a month... she becomes EVIL! And I cannot defeat her!
-
Jeff Dunham : Come on, Walter, a lot of excitement happens here in Washington D.C.
Walter : Oh, I know, what happens in D.C. stays on YouTube.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Melvin] So you're a superhero?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes!
Jeff Dunham : What is your most outstanding feature?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : [looking at Jeff] My costume...
-
Jeff Dunham : How are you doing, Walter?
Walter : What the hell happened to your hair? Looks like you're in a frickin' car wreck.
Jeff Dunham : Well, they said it makes me look hip.
Walter : I think it makes you look homeless. Been in D.C. for two days and you're already frickin' homeless! Holy crap!
-
Jeff Dunham : [talking about his personal life and his daughters] And Kenna, uh, seems to be... I don't know. She's got some sort of real twisted sense of humor. We have no idea where she got that from.
-
Walter : [explaining how he dealt with his wife after making her angry] My mother always told me, "When you're in a jam and don't know what to do, you should think, what would Jesus do?" So I tried to turn her into a fish. I stood there going, "Begone, Satan! Hello, Shamu!" Well, at least Shamu only has one blowhole.
[the audience applauds]
Walter : Aw, screw you, that was funny!
-
[Achmed is hoping that the people in the audience are not his virgins, because there are ugly guys in the audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : If this is paradise, I've been screwed!
Jeff Dunham : Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Holy crap!
-
Jeff Dunham : So, Melvin, you can fly and you have x-ray vision.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yeah.
Jeff Dunham : Those are the two same powers as Superman.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes.
Jeff Dunham : Can you stop a speeding bullet?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Once.
[audience laughs]
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Shut up! That hurts like hell!
-
Peanut : I'm concerned.
Jeff Dunham : About what?
Peanut : Well, I was just thinking the other day. You know, we're on the road *a lot*.
Jeff Dunham : Yeah?
Peanut : You're away from home *a lot*.
Jeff Dunham : Yeah.
Peanut : And your wife's at home... alone... *a lot*.
-
Walter : [laughs, clears his throat several times, leans towards Jeff and farts loudly]
Jeff Dunham : [startled] What was that?
Walter : Well, we're in DC. That was a veto.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Melvin] Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Why the hell would I do that? There's not a lot of call for that.
Jeff Dunham : Superman does that.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : [scoffs] Show-off! He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effin' thing.
-
Melvin the Superhero Guy : [as they talk about Superman] You know, my wife met Lois Lane once.
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes, she said she acted like an H-O-R-E!
Jeff Dunham : You mean a W-H-O-R-E.
Melvin the Superhero Guy : What's a wa-hore? Is that like a Klingon?
-
Jeff Dunham : [about his Prius] It's a great vehicle. You jump on the freeway and punch it and it goes...
[makes a vrooming sound by making a Bronx cheer]
Jeff Dunham : Beep, beep! And when you can drive underneath an 18-wheeler and go, it's really dirty! And drive back out... That is just too damn small. It is kinda cool when you go to the gas pump to fill up, 'cause on one tank, you've driven like two or 3,000 miles, and you go and fill up, it's like...
[makes another single Bronx cheer to mimic the sound of a car filling up on gas]
Jeff Dunham : "Oh! All done! I'll be damned! Ten cents? That's amazing!"
-
Jeff Dunham : What did you do for fun today?
Walter : I stood in front of the IRS building and just flipped them off.
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] Did you go to the White House?
Walter : Oh yeah.
Jeff Dunham : That's where the most powerful man in the free world lives.
Walter : Oprah?
-
Jeff Dunham : Does your wife have any powers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Yes, really, uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham : What are they?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Well, once a month... she becomes "evil!" And I cannot defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
Jeff Dunham : You have a big dog?
Melvin the Superhero Guy : Well, actually, I borrowed your chihuahua.
