- Karen Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
- Shawn Spencer: Irrelevant! And, immaterial.
- Carlton Lassiter: Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
- Karen Vick: Mr. Spencer...
- Shawn Spencer: He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.
- Morgan Conrad: You're an idiot.
- Shawn Spencer: That's less compelling. Move to strike.
- Morgan Conrad: Please remove him.
- Carlton Lassiter: Gladly.
- Shawn Spencer: Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, I plead the third.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: The Third Amendment is, No soldier can live in your house against your will. You mean the fifth.
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, I've heard it both ways.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: And they don't even have a dalmatian here, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: Would you stop with the dalmatians already?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm just saying. It would be nice to see one in its natural habitat.
- Shawn Spencer: They're not indigenous to firehouses, Gus.
- Morgan Conrad: Are you sure?
- Shawn Spencer: I'm Al B. Sure watching Diane Sure apply Sure roll-on.
- Morgan Conrad: That's pretty sure.
- Shawn Spencer: That's all day sure.
- Henry Spencer: Can you even name a famous fireman?
- Young Shawn: ...Smokey the Bear?
- Henry Spencer: First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he's not real. Number three, HE'S A BEAR! He takes his poops in the woods, is that what you want?
- Carlton Lassiter: I want our killer...
- Shawn Spencer: Arsassin! Or karsonist?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Arsassin.
- Morgan Conrad: In case you missed it, Detective, this is my "I told you so" face.
- Shawn Spencer: Which is kind of hard to distinguish from your "I thought it was going to be a new episode of Law And Order, but it turns out to be a repeat" face.
- Shawn Spencer: The first floor is secure.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Those things flare back up all the time. And you know how fire's attracted to me.
- Shawn Spencer: Can you blame it? Man, look at you! Blair Underwood can't touch you right now!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Blair Underwood never played a fireman, either.
- Shawn Spencer: Exactly.
- Shawn Spencer: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Morgan Conrad: I will bet every penny that I have that I'm not.
- Henry Spencer: I warned you Shawn, fire fighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off of the pole!
- Shawn Spencer: And you succeeded dad... in every conceivable way.
- Shawn Spencer: I think we're looking for a fireman. Someone who knows fires. Someone who knows the system. He started the fires somewhere else, then moved the flames towards the victim, because the first thing an arson investigator looks for is a point of origin.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: OK, how in the world do you know all that?
- Shawn Spencer: I rode the Backdraft ride at Universal Studios, like, 74 times.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, you can't base a whole theory on a movie.
- Shawn Spencer: There's a movie?