Barbara Flynn: Jill Swinburne

Quotes 

• Mr. Wheeler : [Jill's political advertising on Trevor's van is courting controversy in the school canteen]  I think we ought to discuss this elsewhere. Could you bear to leave your food, Mrs Swinburne?

  Jill Swinburne : Yes. On the other hand, we could stay here and let the food walk away!

  Jill Swinburne : [Amongst the pupils' laughter]  Shall we discuss it elsewhere?

  Mr. Wheeler : Yes... with the owner of the van.

  Mr Carter : [Rising from his chair as Mr Wheeler, Trevor and Jill exit while the pupils cheer and applaud her]  Alright, that's enough! Be quiet and get on with your lunch. No more talking. And no complaints! If you were at any of our finest public schools, you'd be eating garbage like this four times a day, and your only consolation would be unnatural sex and the prospect of ruling the country!

• Jill Swinburne : [Surveying her ransacked house following somebody's attempt to find the corruption evidence she has garnered]  Oh, hang spring-cleaning!

  Trevor Chaplin : Spring-cleaning?

  Jill Swinburne : Don't you remember?

  Trevor Chaplin : I've never done any spring-cleaning. Being a male chauvinist, I've always had women to do those sort of things for me...

  Jill Swinburne : I don't mean that.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Ignoring her]  ... it's all part of my craggy northern working-class background.

  Jill Swinburne : I'm talking about 'The Wind in the Willows'.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Teasing]  Don't tell me - it's a book?

  Jill Swinburne : Ratty and Mole are supposed to be spring-cleaning but instead they say 'Hang spring-cleaning!' and they go off and mess about with boats on the river.

  Trevor Chaplin : Is that what you fancy?

  Jill Swinburne : Sort of, yes.

  Trevor Chaplin : Well we could take to the hills.

  Jill Swinburne : The hills?

  Trevor Chaplin : Well we don't have a boat but we've got some hills.

  Jill Swinburne : [Surprisingly ignorant of local geography]  Where?

  Trevor Chaplin : We've got a whole shooting match of hills... and dales and valleys!

  Jill Swinburne : [Deciding]  Hills, dales and valleys? Hills!

  Trevor Chaplin : We'll go tomorrow!

  Jill Swinburne : We're at school tomorrow!

  Trevor Chaplin : Oh, we'll have sickness and diarrhoea. We'll telephone Mr. Carter with some excuse to pass on to the headmaster that's so bizarre, he's bound to believe it!

  Jill Swinburne : A plague of locusts down the street!

  Trevor Chaplin : A summons to the Palace!

  Jill Swinburne : [Referring to the ransacking]  The house has been struck by a thunderbolt... which happens to be true.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Moving to the window]  We'll think of something and say 'Hang spring-cleaning'!

  Jill Swinburne : [Sidling up to Trevor, looking tenderly into his eyes]  Thank you.

  Trevor Chaplin : Thank *you*!

  Jill Swinburne : For what?

  Trevor Chaplin : True love means never having to explain what you're saying 'thank you' for.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Embarrassed as Jill moves in close, clearly intending to invoke an intimate moment]  Have you ever noticed how spiders always get trapped in your double-glazing?

  Jill Swinburne : Have you ever noticed your amazing capacity to spoil everything?

  Trevor Chaplin : Yes - it's famous over six counties!

  Jill Swinburne : Cue romantic music!

• Trevor Chaplin : [Outside Jill's house, testing the Tannoy with his microphone]  My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne! A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom! What's more, she's terrific in bed!

  Jill Swinburne : [Grabbing the microphone, not realising it is still switched on]  Give me that, you stupid pillock!

  Trevor Chaplin : [Sarcastically]  Shhh! The neighbours might hear!

  Jill Swinburne : [Realising]  How do you switch it off?

  Trevor Chaplin : You switch the switch marked 'SWITCH'!

  Jill Swinburne : [Switching the microphone off]  You've probably lost me the election!

  Trevor Chaplin : I might have WON you the election!

• Jill Swinburne : I'm suddenly haunted by a terrible fear: supposing I'm elected!

  Trevor Chaplin : Get away, you've got no chance!

  Jill Swinburne : [Sarcastically]  Oh, thank you!

  Trevor Chaplin : Big Al says the high street bookies are offering 200-to-1 against.

  Jill Swinburne : Two hundred to one!

  Trevor Chaplin : Yep... so I put a quid on!

• Jill Swinburne : As a candidate, I'm strictly forbidden to ask how you cast your vote.

  Mr Carter : Secret ballot, Mrs. Swinburne!

  Jill Swinburne : Of course.

  Trevor Chaplin : But how did you vote?

  Mr Carter : Well there are four candidates: complacent Conservative, lachrymose Labourite and an alarming Alliance man, plus yourself. I voted for the one that fills my waking hours with erotic fantasies!

  Jill Swinburne : [Appreciative laughter]  There can be no better reason!

  Trevor Chaplin : [Feigning ignorance]  But who did you vote for?

• Big Al : [Waiting for the election result]  There are three possibilities: win, lose or draw.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Slightly patronizing, anticipating that Jill will not be victorious]  But to us, you'll always be the winner!

  Jill Swinburne : [Unappreciative of Trevor's so-called encouragement]  Bollocks!

• Returning Officer : [Revealing the election results for the four candidates]  Mr Carstairs, 629 votes. Mr Bradshaw, 627 votes. Mr Maddox, 624 votes. Now the question obviously is...

  Jill Swinburne : [Anticipating]  How many votes did I get?

  Returning Officer : One moment... 54 votes.

  Jill Swinburne : [Referencing the Eurovision Song Contest]  Does that include the Luxembourg jury?

  Returning Officer : I beg your pardon?

  Jill Swinburne : There's no problem, Mr. Returning Officer. I demand a recount!

  Jill Swinburne : [Steps up to the microphone to address the tiny audience]  The Conservation candidate demands a recount in the name of the Good Earth. We are on the brink of a new era, if only... I think I'll go home.

• Jill Swinburne : [She and Trevor have been celebrating their success in exposing council corruption]  Silly thing is that we got together because my marriage broke up and I needed a lift to school.

  Trevor Chaplin : I remember.

  Jill Swinburne : I didn't really understand why it gradually became important. Now I understand why.

  Trevor Chaplin : I keep thinking what I should say is... 'Will you marry me?'

  Jill Swinburne : [Warning]  You're not going to say that, are you?

  Trevor Chaplin : [Gets the hint and rapidly changes his mind]  No!

  Jill Swinburne : Good!

• Jill Swinburne , Trevor Chaplin : [Last lines, driving off into the sunset]  We're on the brink of a new era, if only...