- Mr. Wheeler: [Jill's political advertising on Trevor's van is courting controversy in the school canteen] I think we ought to discuss this elsewhere. Could you bear to leave your food, Mrs Swinburne?
- Jill Swinburne: Yes. On the other hand, we could stay here and let the food walk away!
- Jill Swinburne: [Amongst the pupils' laughter] Shall we discuss it elsewhere?
- Mr. Wheeler: Yes... with the owner of the van.
- Mr Carter: [Rising from his chair as Mr Wheeler, Trevor and Jill exit while the pupils cheer and applaud her] Alright, that's enough! Be quiet and get on with your lunch. No more talking. And no complaints! If you were at any of our finest public schools, you'd be eating garbage like this four times a day, and your only consolation would be unnatural sex and the prospect of ruling the country!
- Jill Swinburne: [Surveying her ransacked house following somebody's attempt to find the corruption evidence she has garnered] Oh, hang spring-cleaning!
- Trevor Chaplin: Spring-cleaning?
- Jill Swinburne: Don't you remember?
- Trevor Chaplin: I've never done any spring-cleaning. Being a male chauvinist, I've always had women to do those sort of things for me...
- Jill Swinburne: I don't mean that.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Ignoring her] ... it's all part of my craggy northern working-class background.
- Jill Swinburne: I'm talking about 'The Wind in the Willows'.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Teasing] Don't tell me - it's a book?
- Jill Swinburne: Ratty and Mole are supposed to be spring-cleaning but instead they say 'Hang spring-cleaning!' and they go off and mess about with boats on the river.
- Trevor Chaplin: Is that what you fancy?
- Jill Swinburne: Sort of, yes.
- Trevor Chaplin: Well we could take to the hills.
- Jill Swinburne: The hills?
- Trevor Chaplin: Well we don't have a boat but we've got some hills.
- Jill Swinburne: [Surprisingly ignorant of local geography] Where?
- Trevor Chaplin: We've got a whole shooting match of hills... and dales and valleys!
- Jill Swinburne: [Deciding] Hills, dales and valleys? Hills!
- Trevor Chaplin: We'll go tomorrow!
- Jill Swinburne: We're at school tomorrow!
- Trevor Chaplin: Oh, we'll have sickness and diarrhoea. We'll telephone Mr. Carter with some excuse to pass on to the headmaster that's so bizarre, he's bound to believe it!
- Jill Swinburne: A plague of locusts down the street!
- Trevor Chaplin: A summons to the Palace!
- Jill Swinburne: [Referring to the ransacking] The house has been struck by a thunderbolt... which happens to be true.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Moving to the window] We'll think of something and say 'Hang spring-cleaning'!
- Jill Swinburne: [Sidling up to Trevor, looking tenderly into his eyes] Thank you.
- Trevor Chaplin: Thank *you*!
- Jill Swinburne: For what?
- Trevor Chaplin: True love means never having to explain what you're saying 'thank you' for.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Embarrassed as Jill moves in close, clearly intending to invoke an intimate moment] Have you ever noticed how spiders always get trapped in your double-glazing?
- Jill Swinburne: Have you ever noticed your amazing capacity to spoil everything?
- Trevor Chaplin: Yes - it's famous over six counties!
- Jill Swinburne: Cue romantic music!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Outside Jill's house, testing the Tannoy with his microphone] My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne! A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom! What's more, she's terrific in bed!
- Jill Swinburne: [Grabbing the microphone, not realising it is still switched on] Give me that, you stupid pillock!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Sarcastically] Shhh! The neighbours might hear!
- Jill Swinburne: [Realising] How do you switch it off?
- Trevor Chaplin: You switch the switch marked 'SWITCH'!
- Jill Swinburne: [Switching the microphone off] You've probably lost me the election!
- Trevor Chaplin: I might have WON you the election!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Building a case against Det. Insp. Forrest but not prepared to reveal his identity at this stage] Supposing it came to your attention that a senior police officer in this division was guilty of corruption.
- Joe: [Unsurprised] So what's new?
- Ben: You've got evidence?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I have reasonable grounds for suspicion.
- Ben: Who is it?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I can't say.
- Joe: Mr Forrest?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Insistent] I can't say!
- Ben: [to Joe] It'll be Mr Forrest.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I didn't say that.
- Joe: But it will be Mr Forrest - he's as bent as a five-bob note.
- Ben: It's a well-known fact.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Both of you know the area, you know how the Force operates. If I've got information, what shall I do?
- Joe: Professionally-speaking you've got a choice, haven't you?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Have I?
- Ben: If you want to 'shop' Mr Forrest.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: It's nothing to do with Mr Forrest!
- Ben: Parcel up your evidence, tie it with pink ribbon, take it to the Chief Constable.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Is he honest?
- Joe: [Hinting at institutionalized corruption across the police force] Apparently. He's done well... considering!
- Ben: That's your Plan 'A'. Then there's Plan 'B'...
- Joe: Parcel up your evidence, tie it with pink ribbon, take it to Mr Forrest.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: It isn't Mr Forrest!
- Joe: [Ignoring the denial] Demand your share of the action!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Demand what?
- Ben: Get him to cut you in.
- Joe: A place on the board.
- Ben: Make him an offer he can't refuse.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: That's outrageous!
- Ben: It's practical.
- Joe: You'd have our backing.
- Ben: You could even use Plan 'C'.
- Joe: [Explaining] The three of us could go to Mr Forrest.
- Ben: All three of us could grab some of the benefits of his corruption.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Don't be ridiculous!
- Joe: One for all and all for one!
- Ben: We just want to make the streets of our city safe for children and old-age pensioners.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: What's that got to do with it?
- Joe: It's what we're here for, sunbeam.
- Ben: And we're entitled to our just rewards.
- Mr. Pitt: [On his predecessor's secret files] Mr. Anderson worked here in the Town Planning Department for five years. He cared deeply about the environment. Those two things don't go together very easily. He left last year, in frustration, and went to live in Perth, Western Australia but he was also very concerned about the corruption going on. He said to me 'One day the roof is going to fall in. A policeman is going to walk in to your office and start enquiries. When that happens, give him these files.'
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [as Mr. Pitt retrieves the files] It's all documented? The corruption?
- Mr. Pitt: [Wishing to be kept out of any investigation] That's what he told me. I've never looked at them. Also, Sergeant Hobson, I've never seen you.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Protesting] A citizen's first duty is to...
- Mr. Pitt: [Interrupting] ... protect his job, pension fund and his superannuation. Local government is the last refuge of the timid and poor of spirit, Sergeant Hobson. Mr Anderson is very courageous. That's why he left.
- Jill Swinburne: I'm suddenly haunted by a terrible fear: supposing I'm elected!
- Trevor Chaplin: Get away, you've got no chance!
- Jill Swinburne: [Sarcastically] Oh, thank you!
- Trevor Chaplin: Big Al says the high street bookies are offering 200-to-1 against.
- Jill Swinburne: Two hundred to one!
- Trevor Chaplin: Yep... so I put a quid on!
- Jill Swinburne: As a candidate, I'm strictly forbidden to ask how you cast your vote.
- Mr Carter: Secret ballot, Mrs. Swinburne!
- Jill Swinburne: Of course.
- Trevor Chaplin: But how did you vote?
- Mr Carter: Well there are four candidates: complacent Conservative, lachrymose Labourite and an alarming Alliance man, plus yourself. I voted for the one that fills my waking hours with erotic fantasies!
- Jill Swinburne: [Appreciative laughter] There can be no better reason!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Feigning ignorance] But who did you vote for?
- Big Al: [Presenting files containing evidence of corruption] This is about money changing hands to get planning permission to build a chip shop on the estate. This is about a well-known local businessman buying his way off a drunk driving charge. This is about a shopkeeper on the high street persuading your Mr Forrest that his dirty videotapes are actually as pure as the driven snow.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Somewhat stunned] Are all these authentic cases?
- Big Al: Yes. You've got signed statements from people involved around the margins.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Anticipating a court case] And are all these people prepared to give evidence?
- Big Al: Yes... providing you're not too proud to accept a bit of perjury here and there. It's all relative, isn't it?
- Trevor Chaplin: [as he and Jill leave her house to attend the election results] We should have left a note on the door saying that we're 'out for the count'!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Switches on Tannoy and microphone to broadcast to the neighbours] We are out for the count!
- Big Al: [Waiting for the election result] There are three possibilities: win, lose or draw.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Slightly patronizing, anticipating that Jill will not be victorious] But to us, you'll always be the winner!
- Jill Swinburne: [Unappreciative of Trevor's so-called encouragement] Bollocks!
- Returning Officer: [Revealing the election results for the four candidates] Mr Carstairs, 629 votes. Mr Bradshaw, 627 votes. Mr Maddox, 624 votes. Now the question obviously is...
- Jill Swinburne: [Anticipating] How many votes did I get?
- Returning Officer: One moment... 54 votes.
- Jill Swinburne: [Referencing the Eurovision Song Contest] Does that include the Luxembourg jury?
- Returning Officer: I beg your pardon?
- Jill Swinburne: There's no problem, Mr. Returning Officer. I demand a recount!
- Jill Swinburne: [Steps up to the microphone to address the tiny audience] The Conservation candidate demands a recount in the name of the Good Earth. We are on the brink of a new era, if only... I think I'll go home.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Nervously as Chief Supt. Forrest enters the office] Good morning, sir!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Morning, Hobson. Do you know where 'sir' is going?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: No, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: 'Sir' has been summoned to an interview with the Chief Constable.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I see.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Do you have the remotest idea of why 'sir' has been summoned in this way?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I do have a remote idea, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Thought you might. It's amazing: I told you to catch thieves - I never expected you to do it. First time you get anything right and *I'm* the one that's nicked!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Smug] Bang to rights, unless I'm very much mistaken, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Referring to Hobson's study of the role of technology within the police force] No doubt you'll get a Distinction for your PhD thesis into the bargain, eh? With a commendation from the Chief Constable. Graduate coppers!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: We are, I think, the shape of things to come, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: With your computers and your information and floppy disks and instant retrieval systems. Very well, Hobson. Speaking as the shape of things to come, what would you advise me to do in my present situation?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I would hire the best criminal lawyer you know, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: With a computer in his office?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: The only way to deal with information is to get *more* information, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: The world will disappear under a vast mountain of information, Hobson!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Well there are grounds for thinking that has already happened, sir!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Shakes Sgt. Hobson's hand in farewell] Well done, Sergeant.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Thank you, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Accepting his probable fate, yet admiring Hobson's achievement] Always like to see my lads doing well!
- Radio newsreader: [Voiceover] It has been confirmed that a major enquiry is going on into allegations of corruption in the police force and local government. A senior police officer has been suspended and also assisting in the enquiries are a well-known local businessman and a councillor and member of the Town Planning Committee.
- Little Norm: [Carrying a bundle of paperwork] Got some more affidavits!
- Big Al: Not sure we're going to need them: sounds like it's all over bar the shouting.
- Little Norm: Pity - people really enjoy writing them once you explain what it's for... and when you tell them it's an affidavit. I reckon they like the sound of the word: 'affidavit'!
- Big Al: [Glancing through the testimonies] Hey, there's some good stuff here!
- Little Norm: Tell you what: a lot of it's the truth!
- Jill Swinburne: [She and Trevor have been celebrating their success in exposing council corruption] Silly thing is that we got together because my marriage broke up and I needed a lift to school.
- Trevor Chaplin: I remember.
- Jill Swinburne: I didn't really understand why it gradually became important. Now I understand why.
- Trevor Chaplin: I keep thinking what I should say is... 'Will you marry me?'
- Jill Swinburne: [Warning] You're not going to say that, are you?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Gets the hint and rapidly changes his mind] No!
- Jill Swinburne: Good!
- Jill Swinburne, Trevor Chaplin: [Last lines, driving off into the sunset] We're on the brink of a new era, if only...