The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis (2008)
Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz
Photos
Quotes
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Penny : [after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon Cooper : Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny : Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper : Why would you do such a thing?
Penny : I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard Wolowitz : Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny : Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper : Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny : Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon Cooper : No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
Howard Wolowitz : [Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
Penny : [Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon Cooper : No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
[Turning to Howard and Raj]
Sheldon Cooper : I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard Wolowitz : It's happening to us.
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Penny : Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?
Sheldon Cooper : No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny : Saturnalia?
Howard Wolowitz : Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon Cooper : In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard Wolowitz : And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
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Sheldon Cooper : Excuse me, miss.
Charlotte : Yes?
Sheldon Cooper : If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Charlotte : Excuse me?
Sheldon Cooper : [Gives her the basket] Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Charlotte : I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Howard Wolowitz : See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.
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[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper : Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
Howard Wolowitz : What if he gets something kryptonian on it?
Sheldon Cooper : Like what?
Howard Wolowitz : I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon Cooper : I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj Koothrappali : Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.
Leonard Hofstadter : Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.
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Howard Wolowitz : That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!
Sheldon Cooper : There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.
Howard Wolowitz : There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
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Sheldon Cooper : I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard Wolowitz : You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!
Sheldon Cooper : What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
Raj Koothrappali : Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build a bear.
Sheldon Cooper : I told you before, bears are terrifying.
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Howard Wolowitz : C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.
[picks up basket]
Howard Wolowitz : You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!
Sheldon Cooper : Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.
