The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Bad Fish Paradigm (2008)
Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter
Photos
Quotes
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[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon Cooper : They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
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Sheldon Cooper : Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter : What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz : Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper : I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter : I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper : I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter : Why not?
Sheldon Cooper : I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter : You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper : That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter : What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper : Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter : Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper : I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter : Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper : Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : I promise.
Sheldon Cooper : Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper : I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter : Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper : I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
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Sheldon Cooper : [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter : What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon Cooper : There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon Cooper : Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm still confused.
Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
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Sheldon Cooper : [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard Hofstadter : It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.
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Leonard Hofstadter : [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz : The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
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Leonard Hofstadter : Well, good night.
Penny : What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter : There was a draft.
Penny : I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard Hofstadter : Why don't we just go into your...
Penny : Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard Hofstadter : No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny : No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny : Or we could just wing it.
Leonard Hofstadter : That might work too.
Penny : Goodnight, Leonard.
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Penny : Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny : What are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter : First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny : He told you?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny : Pasadena city college?
Leonard Hofstadter : A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny : Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard Hofstadter : Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny : Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard Hofstadter : That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny : So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard Hofstadter : Absolutely.
[She slams the door in his face]
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.
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Leonard Hofstadter : We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz : Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Leonard Hofstadter : I didn't say anything like that.
Howard Wolowitz : Good, 'cause they don't work.
Rajesh Koothrapali : They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard Hofstadter : Look, everything went fine.
[unhides mini sheets]
Leonard Hofstadter : I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
Howard Wolowitz : Let's go to the tape.
[shows the hidden camera record]
Howard Wolowitz : Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Rajesh Koothrapali : Nice close-up, by the way.
Sheldon Cooper : Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard Hofstadter : That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon Cooper : Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Rajesh Koothrapali : And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
[Leaving the room]
Leonard Hofstadter : And take down that camera!
Rajesh Koothrapali : He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard Wolowitz : Give him time.
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Howard Wolowitz : [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard Hofstadter : What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh Koothrapali : Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard Wolowitz : No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh Koothrapali : You being the fish.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm not the fish!
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Howard Wolowitz : Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter : No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.