Carlos Mencia: Performance Enhanced (2008 TV Special)

Carlos Mencia: Self

Quotes 

• Carlos Mencia : And if you vote for Obama, you won't feel guilty about laughing at that joke.

• Carlos Mencia : I eat cows because I'm a responsible American and I think green because you know what cows do? They fart, emitting methane and carbons into the atmosphere that are destroying this planet. Now, what are you vegetarians doing? You're eating the plant life that could turn that nasty carbon into perfectly good breathable oxygen for all other life forms to exist. So, let's get one thing straight right now. You vegetarians are the reason for global warming. I'm eating the problem. You're eating the solution.

• Carlos Mencia : White people, pay attention and pay attention well. If you vote the black guy in as president, black people can no longer bitch about racism and the race card will no longer exist.

• Carlos Mencia : If I ever go to war, not only do I want gay people in the military, but I want to fight side by side next to a flaming queer that loves me. Do you understand what I'm saying? So when the enemy shoots, my bitch takes it personally.

• Carlos Mencia : "Do you realize I am a Muslim? This is pork. If it touches my body, I can go to hell." And that's when I realized, Oh my God! We need to stop dropping bombs and start dropping bacon.

• Carlos Mencia : You can't bring pork products into the Middle East. I thought that was hysterical. I showed it to my family. We all got a big laugh. My dad took it a step further. He thought it would be really funny after I packed my bags to put bacon bits on the top of my bag. So I get there and the guy checking my bag goes, "Is this your bag?" I go, "Yeah, why?" "What is this?" He pulls out a bag of bacon bits. I started laughing my ass off.

• Carlos Mencia : I get back from over there. I go, "Dad, what is your problem? Do you realize they put me in that little airport jail for that bacon you put in my bag?" He starts laughing his ass off. I go, "Dude, it's not funny." He goes, "You don't understand, mijo. It was turkey bacon."