It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (TV Series)
The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis (2008)
Rob McElhenney: Mac
Photos
Quotes
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Mac : [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
Charlie Kelly : Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
[jumps out of truck]
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Female Bank Clerk : All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?
Mac : Wait for it. Gasoline.
Female Bank Clerk : Excuse me?
Mac : Don't rush me.
Dennis Reynolds : Don't rush him.
Mac : Thank you, I feel rushed. Look, here's the plan. You give us a shitload of money, we buy a shitload of gasoline. We wait 12 months, we sell the gasoline, and make a shitload of profit.
Female Bank Clerk : Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not, um...
Mac : She's not getting it. Get the graph.
Dennis Reynolds : Oh yeah, the graph.
Mac : We have a graph.
Dennis Reynolds : [holds up graph] Yeah, check this out. Now these are the gas prices last year, these are the gas prices this year, and this is what the gas prices will be.
Female Bank Clerk : [indicating women drawings] And what are those?
Dennis Reynolds : Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
Female Bank Clerk : Why?
Dennis Reynolds : Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...
Mac : Yeah. Is there any way that we could talk to your boss? Because I think he would understand more better.
Female Bank Clerk : My boss is a woman.
Mac : Really?
Dennis Reynolds : Your boss is a woman? Now this is a strange bank.
Female Bank Clerk : Okay, well, I am definitely rejecting your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.
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Mac : We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies. With their 10-gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts.
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Mac : And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
Dennis Reynolds : Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac : Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis Reynolds : What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac : You're the looks.
Dennis Reynolds : Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac : No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
Charlie Kelly : Whoa. That's awesome!
Mac : Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
Charlie Kelly : Oh, shit.
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Dennis Reynolds : [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie Kelly : Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis Reynolds : What are you doing?
Charlie Kelly : Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac : No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie Kelly : I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis Reynolds : Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac : Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie Kelly : Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis Reynolds : You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac : Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie Kelly : Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis Reynolds : [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie Kelly : Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie Kelly : Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis Reynolds : Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac : [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis Reynolds : What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac : Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?
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Dennis Reynolds : [walking towards front door] All right, well, just let me do the talking.
Charlie Kelly : Well, I feel like you gotta, at least, talk with a Southen accent, man.
[rings doorbell]
Dennis Reynolds : No, I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.
Charlie Kelly : But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.
Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
Charlie Kelly : Yes, we do. She's going to think - uh...
[woman opens door]
Dennis Reynolds : Hello, ma'am. Oh, what a lovely housedress.
Charlie Kelly : [heavy Southern accent] Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good.
Dennis Reynolds : Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.
Charlie Kelly : Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
Dennis Reynolds : [awkward pause] What my
[clears throat]
Dennis Reynolds : associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie Kelly : Hells, yeah! We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us.
Dennis Reynolds : [whispers to Charlie] Please let me do the talking. Please let me
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie Kelly : Now, we ain't gonna take 'no' for an answer now, you hear? Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, alright?
[gestures towards Mac in van]
Charlie Kelly : He don't take kindly to 'no'. So, can I fill you up, or what?
[awkward pause, cut to Charlie and Dennis entering van]
Charlie Kelly : Yep, you best get to stepping, 'cause Johnny Law's a-coming.
Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac : [gestures to Charlie] Why is he talking like that?
Dennis Reynolds : Well, 'wildcard' over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie Kelly : I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.
Dennis Reynolds : Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
