- Stan Smith: You mind if I come over and throw the ol' pigskin around with your dad before you tell him you're a turd burglar?
- Stan Smith: [drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!
- Tank Bates: What're you talking about, Fruit loop She's Terry's girlfriend.
- Stan Smith: No, she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!
- Tank Bates: ...What?
- Stan Smith: Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!
- [Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. His father, confused, catches him]
- Stan Smith: See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints!
- [collapses forward and lands flat on his face]
- Francine Smith: [to Stan] How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool!
- Stan Smith: Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. You're that girl. You're the party starter.
- Francine Smith: My purse tampons were floating in the water!
- Stan Smith: People were impressed by how big they got.
- Snot Lonstein: Dudes! Vince Chung's throwing a bonfire beneath the water tower tomorrow night and get this: anyone can come as long as they bring booze or girls!
- Barry: My sister's a girl!
- Snot Lonstein: Yeah, but they have to be prettier than Leelee Sobieski.
- Greg Corbin: Your book was so inspiring, Mr. Mandela. It made me want to become journalist.
- Nelson Mandela: I am so happy it spoke to you.
- Stan Smith: I don't know what book he's talking about, but I love your movies. Especially "The Bucket List." Whew, it got me. It got me.
- Greg Corbin: Stan, I think you're mistaken.
- Stan Smith: [to Nelson Mandela] Aren't you Morgan Freeman?
- Greg Corbin: This is Nelson Mandela. Why did you think I was calling him Mr. Mandela?
- Stan Smith: I thought it was one of Freeman's many nicknames like Captain Morgan or Freckles.
- Stan Smith: [after Tank leaves Greg and Terry's house after he learns that Terry is gay] He's fine. He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it. He'll calm down when I explain it's like cramming together two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit.
- Terry Bates: Shut up, Stan! You've done enough.
- [he and Greg walk away]
- Stan Smith: [to Francine] They're fine.
- Francine Smith: I can't believe you!
- [walks away]
- Stan Smith: She's fine.