- Charlie Haggers: You really planning to sell that fella's song for him in Nashville?
- Loretta Haggers: Yeah, I got to, y'know, I gave him my word.
- Charlie Haggers: That's a terrible song! And after what he had in mind to do to you.
- Loretta Haggers: Oh, honey, both he and his song are just sickeningly tacky, you know? But I tell you, dear, when a man gives you a choice between sellin' his song or rapin' ya, I'm gonna pick sellin' his song!
- Charlie Haggers: I sure am ashamed of how useless I was to you.
- Loretta Haggers: Oh, honey, you couldn't help it. Just think of it as an experience, y'know? I mean, all artists have to have experiences 'cause they're the inspirations for their songs, y'know? It's like, already in the back of my head, there's been a song formin' in my mind about this. I've already got a few lines. Listen to this: "My love can have my - !" You know, it's real hard to sing when you're sitting down and you've got a stomach full of Oreos. "My love can can have my body / I'm glad he finds it fun! / But no one else can touch it / unless he's got a gun!"
- Charlie Haggers: I love it, I love it! It's got a great beat!
- Clete Meizenheimer: [reporting live on TV] We're here at a location approximately thirty miles south of the Fernwood city limits on Highway 4. Well, this reporter was able to determine that the accident occurred between the vehicle occupied by Mr. and Mrs. Charles Haggers of Fernwood and a station wagon full of nuns.
- Clete Meizenheimer: [reporting live on TV] The police have determined that Sister Bernadette, the driver of the station wagon full of nuns, was not - and I repeat, was not - under the influence of alcohol at the time of the accident. This reporter confirmed that determination after having an exclusive interview with Sister Bernadette. I learned that the four bottles of wine discovered under the front seat of the station wagon were purchased for sacramental purposes only, and were still sealed at the time of the accident.
- Lt. Trask: Now, about the accident.
- Sister Bernadette: I know we're not at fault!
- Lt. Trask: Didn't you come around the curve...
- Sister Bernadette: We were driving along singing "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" and we couldn't have done any wrong!
- Loretta Haggers: [regains consciousness, groggy] What happened?
- Charlie Haggers: Oh, honey, we had an accident, hit a station wagon full of nuns.
- Loretta Haggers: A station wagon full of nuns? Is that a sin?
- Charlie Haggers: Well, baby, if you're Catholic, but we're not Catholic.
- Loretta Haggers: Oh, good. I mean, you know, under the circumstances and everything, no offense to the Catholics.
- Charlie Haggers: [Loretta slips into unconsciousness] C'mon, Loretta! They don't want you in heaven. They don't need your music up there, honey. We need your voice right here. They got all the music they want. Besides, you're a country-western singer! You need a guitar and a little rhythm section to back you up. You wouldn't sound any good with a harp at all, honey. Loretta!