This Is Where I Leave You (2014)
Jason Bateman: Judd Altman
Photos
Quotes
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Judd Altman : It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up, you know.
Horry Callen : Welcome to my world.
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Judd Altman : Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
Wendy Altman : No, you weren't.
Judd Altman : No?
Wendy Altman : No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?
Judd Altman : Yep... That's fair.
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Paul Altman : Dad always had a soft spot for him.
Judd Altman : I think he liked us because we're a lot like him; he liked Phillip because he's nothing like him.
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Phillip Altman : Dad was a stoner?
Judd Altman : No, it was probably medicinal.
Phillip Altman : It always is.
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Horry Callen : Brain injury. There are things I can't do.
Judd Altman : Like what?
Horry Callen : Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.
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Penny Moore : You used to laugh at my jokes.
Judd Altman : No, I didn't.
Penny Moore : Yes, you did.
Judd Altman : Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.
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Phillip Altman : Sorry I'm late
Judd Altman : You're a dick.
Phillip Altman : Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
Judd Altman : Your shirt is on inside out.
Phillip Altman : That, I did not know
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Judd Altman : What's the matter with you. Do you ever think before you speak?
Phillip Altman : No, that would take all the fun out of it.
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Judd Altman : I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I?
Phillip Altman : Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.
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Judd Altman : You can't possibly know it' mine.
Quinn Altman : Trust me, it's yours.
Judd Altman : Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.
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Paul Altman : [On phone to Annie] Calm down... Calm down... CALM DOWN. I'm coming home, I'm coming home.
[to everyone]
Paul Altman : I have to go have sex.
Judd Altman : Oh.
Wendy Altman : You know, in some cultures, people actually enjoy sex.
Paul Altman : Well, not when it's on a schedule.
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Judd Altman : I spent my entire life playing it safe, just to avoid being exactly where I am now.
Penny Moore : Ya know, where you are right now? Right now, you're in a cool rink, on a hot day, listening to a Cindy Lauper classic, under some disco lights. Cut yourself some slack, Judd. Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time.
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Hillary Altman : God, the passion, the-the creativity, the - the angles.
Judd Altman : Jesus Christ!
Wendy Altman : Angles!
Hillary Altman : Mort knew his way around a woman's body.
Judd Altman : Mother!
Hillary Altman : And the sheer size of him. Circumference.
Judd Altman : Mom!
Hillary Altman : I don't mind telling you, the man was hung.
Wendy Altman : That should've been the headstone.
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Quinn Altman : Hi, Phillip.
Phillip Altman : Quinn! I always knew there was something of a cold-hearted slut in you!
Quinn Altman : Takes one to know one.
Phillip Altman : Touché, pussycat! So. What are you guys talking about?
Judd Altman : [at once] Nothing.
Quinn Altman : [at once] I'm pregnant.
Phillip Altman : Mazeltov?
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Judd Altman : We've come apart there Mom. Could you please close that robe, please. Cover it!
Hillary Altman : They are just breasts, Judd. The same ones you suckled at.
Judd Altman : No Mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. Those are... those are... you've got bionic breasts now.
Hillary Altman : Your Father didn't see it that way. He used to like to put his penis...
Judd Altman : Jesus Christ, Mother. Thank you
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Judd Altman : It's not a good time, Wendy.
Wendy Altman : Dad's dead.
Judd Altman : [Taken aback] What?
Wendy Altman : [Crying] He died about an hour ago.
Judd Altman : They said he had more time.
Wendy Altman : Yeah, well apparently, he didn't.
Judd Altman : Shit. How's Mom?
Wendy Altman : She's Mom. You know, she asked me how much to tip the nurses. Listen, there's something else. Dad wants us to sit Shiva.
Judd Altman : Dad's dead.
Wendy Altman : Yeah, apparently that's the optimal time to do it.
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Judd Altman : My marriage is over. I don't have a job.
Hillary Altman : That's why you didn't come see him these last few weeks? You thought he'd think less of you?
Judd Altman : I think less of me. I've got nothing. Look at me. Way too old to have this much nothing.
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Judd Altman : Thanks!
Wade Beaufort : For what?
Judd Altman : Up until just now, I thought I was the most pathetic guy I knew. Wade: You're welcome.
[Judd shakes his head]
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Paul Altman : Phillip...
Judd Altman : ...needs a job.
Paul Altman : You need a job.
Judd Altman : I'll be okay.
Paul Altman : Do you really believe that?
Judd Altman : I'm getting there.
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Phillip Altman : [about shiney red Jaguar] Is that Wade's car?
Judd Altman : That's one of his cars. He's got a few.
Phillip Altman : He has a few? Think he's compensating for something?
Judd Altman : Yeah. For having too much money.
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Judd Altman : I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist.
Wendy Altman : A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.
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Phillip Altman : This is one of those tricky situations where, you either need someone to talk to or wanna be left alone. It'd be a great help if maybe you can let me know which one of these...
Judd Altman : Go away, please.
Phillip Altman : Okay.
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Judd Altman : You grabbed my dick, okay. That's why I've been avoiding you.
Annie Altman : I didn't mean to.
Judd Altman : Oh please, you didn't mean to. What-what'd you think you were gonna find down there, Annie?
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Judd Altman : Well, maybe she does care.
Barry Weissman : [laughs] I'm an asshole, Judd. I'm not stupid.
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Judd Altman : [to Wendy] Starting to do complicated. You proud of me?
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[Annie is having loud sex and everybody is listening though baby monitor]
Judd Altman : Save money, everybody. Free of charge. Enjoy.