The Inbetweeners (TV Series)

Will's Birthday (2009)

Simon Bird: Will McKenzie

Quotes 

• Simon Cooper : [about finding dates for Will's birthday party]  Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to.

  Jay Cartwright : Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she's up to.

  Simon Cooper : Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again?

  Jay Cartwright : Don't worry about me, mate. I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.

  Neil Sutherland : You pulled a barmaid? Nice!

  Will McKenzie : Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.

  Jay Cartwright : Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts... my nuts!

  Simon Cooper : Brilliant.

  Jay Cartwright : Or my cock.

  Will McKenzie : She only eats small portions then?

  Jay Cartwright : Well I didn't hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full at the time.

  Will McKenzie : Yep. Good one.

• Simon Cooper : [about the French exchange student]  He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the 'Sleeping Beauty'?

  Neil Sutherland : Oh, it's good, that.

  Simon Cooper : What, you know it?

  Neil Sutherland : Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.

  Will McKenzie : How do you know these things?

  Jay Cartwright : Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old.

  Will McKenzie : Is it?

  Jay Cartwright : Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.

  Will McKenzie : They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that.

  Jay Cartwright : Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that?

  Will McKenzie : Still quite gay!

• Will McKenzie : Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin.

  Jay Cartwright : [laughs]  Cock of what?

  Simon Cooper : You don't help yourself, do you?

  Will McKenzie : [sarcastically]  Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?

  Patrice : [bored]  Quoi?

  Will McKenzie : Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or...

  Simon Cooper : ...you got some cock in the back of a van?

  Will McKenzie : Or that I got some cock in the back of a van. Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilized and sophisticated dinner party, just something a little different from the usual parties, maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! O.K., so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

  [everyone sits in chastened silence for a while] 

  Neil Sutherland : How much Lego can you stick up your bum?

  Will McKenzie : Oh, for Christ's sake!

  Neil Sutherland : How much Lego can you get up your bum? Didn't you do it as a kid? Just a triangle one and a long one? Maybe a few singles?

  Jay Cartwright : You are grim, mate.