An Audience with Hal Roach (1988 TV Special)

Hal Roach: Self - Comedian

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Hal Roach : Father O'Seamus, in great form at the pulpit the other night in the church: he told us the end of the world is near, and we must be prepared. He said, "Stand up, all those that want to go to heaven." Of course, we all stood up right away. And he said, "Stand up, all those that want to go to hell." Of course, nobody stood up, except Muldoon in the middle of the church. He said, "Muldoon, do you want to go to hell?" And he said, "No, father. I didn't like to see you standing there by yourself."

• [repeated line] 

  Hal Roach : Write it down. That's a good one.

• Hal Roach : This fellow Casey went to the dentist. He said to the dentist, "All my teeth are turning yellow. What can I do?" And the dentist said, "Wear a brown tie."

• Hal Roach : Oh, I wish I could be out there with you listening to this. I really do. Fantastic stuff.

• Hal Roach : My dear people, let me try in my own inadequate way to describe to all of you the Widow Quinn: a wild woman from the hills of County Carey with a figure like six miles of bad road. Long red hair all down her back, none on her head. An ugly woman, God bless her. When she went to the zoo she had to have two tickets: one to get in and one to get out.

• Hal Roach : We laugh at ourselves here in the Emerald Isle. Yes, we do. We laugh at wakes, funerals, death, marriage. You name it, we laugh at it.

• Hal Roach : The widow had her husband laid out for the wake, and he had the biggest smile on his face that was ever seen in Ireland. I said to her, "I never saw a corpse with a smile like that. What happened to him?" "Ah, dear God," she said. "The poor man. 'Twas terrible. He was struck eight times by lightning, and he thought he was having his photograph taken."

• Hal Roach : [referring to a typical priest's housekeeper]  I knew one. The last time I saw her she was sitting at the fire with two crowbars knitting barbed wire.

• Hal Roach : Do you realize that if you stand still on the street for two minutes in New York, somebody will write on you?

• Hal Roach : I went to Macy's, to the men's department. And I said, "Can you show me the cheapest suit in the store?" And he said, "You're wearing it."

• Hal Roach : I was in Las Vegas. That was exciting. I have property there now. Two of the hotels are holding my luggage.

• Hal Roach : There's no way you can win at gambling, not really. I knew one man in Reno that used to go down to the gaming tables every night only making mental bets. And he lost his mind.

• Hal Roach : I was in Birmingham, Alabama. That was exciting. Yeah, two fellows talking in the lobby of the hotel, and one said to the other, "What would you do if you got a letter from the Ku Klux Klan telling you to get out of town?" He said, "I'd read it on the train."

• Hal Roach : An Irish plumber looking at Niagara Falls. "Well," he said. "I don't know now," he said. "I think I can fix this."

• Hal Roach : The teacher said, "Sean, what is a cannibal?" He said, "I don't know." The teacher said, "Well, if you were to eat your mother and father, what would you be?" He said, "An orphan."

• Hal Roach : The teacher said, "Where was Anne Boleyn beheaded?" He said, "Below the chin."

• Hal Roach : "Name two days of the week beginning with the letter T." He said, "Today and tomorrow."

• Hal Roach : "Daddy, is it true we come from dust and to dust we shall return?" His father said, "'Tis true. Why do you ask?" And the kid said, "Well, you better look under my bed. There's somebody there either comin' or goin'."

• Hal Roach : "If I lay six eggs there, and I lay eleven eggs over there, how many eggs would I have altogether?" And the kid said, "I don't believe you can do it."

• Hal Roach : The teacher said to this boy, "What's Gandhi's first name?" He said, "Goosey Goosey."

• Hal Roach : "Who in Greek mythology was half man, half animal?" He said, "Buffalo Bill."

• Hal Roach : The teacher said to the children, "If God were to walk in here right now into the classroom, what would you do? What would you say?" And this little girl said, "I'd surprise him. I'd walk up to him, and I would tap him on the shoulder and quickly when he turned 'round, I would hand him the Bible, and I would say, 'Jesus, this is your life!'"

• Hal Roach : It's been my lifetime study, the unnecessary sayings of the Irish in conversation.

• Hal Roach : I said, "Twins? Are they identical?" She said, "The boy is. But the girl isn't."

• Hal Roach : An old lady walked up and said, "Can you see me across the street?" He said, "Stay there, and I'll go over and have a look."

• Hal Roach : He said to the man in the store, "I'd like some nails." And the man said, "How long do you want them?" He said, uh, he said, "I'd like to keep them."

• Hal Roach : Flanagan went to the bank to cash a check. The teller said, "Can you identify yourself?" He took a mirror from his pocket. And he said, "There's no doubt who that is. That's meself entirely."

• Hal Roach : An American goes into an Irish pub. He said to the bartender, "Whisky and ice." The bartender said, "There's no ice." The American said, "I'll have water." He said, "You can't. The water's frozen."

• Hal Roach : Muldoon was in court. And the judge said, "Muldoon, you were brought here by two police officers." He said, "I was, your honor." The judge said, "Drunk, I suppose." He said, "They were, the two of them."

• Hal Roach : How many times in an Irish pub has somebody walked up to you and said, "Don't look now, but look who's behind you"?

• Hal Roach : "Excuse me, sir," she said. "But are you reading that newspaper you're sitting on?"

• Hal Roach : She said to the child, "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

• Hal Roach : There was a little boy climbing a high wall. His mother called up to him and said, "If you fall off that wall and break both your legs, don't come running to me."

• Hal Roach : Murphy found himself very late one night in London in the underground subway station, four o'clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator. And on the escalator it is written, and I quote, "Dogs must be carried on the escalator." And he thought, "God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"

• Hal Roach : Two women talking in the village. And one said to the other one, "My husband brought a little magic into our marriage. He disappeared."

• Hal Roach : Mrs. Hennessey was trying to inveigh on her husband to buy her a new dress. She said, "Patty, I would look good in something long and flowing." So he threw her in the river.

• Hal Roach : Murphy and the wife are having a row in the village. She said to him, "Before we were married, you told me you were well off." And he said, "I was, and I didn't know it."

• Hal Roach : An angel, my wife. Always up in the air and harping about something.

• Hal Roach : Last year we bought a water bed. Since then, we just drifted apart.

• Hal Roach : You try to keep your marriage alive and romantic, don't you? The other night in bed, I blew in her ear. She got up and closed the window.

• Hal Roach : A lot of her friends are telling her I'm chasing women. She said, "Let him chase women. You see dogs chasing cars, but they can't drive."

• Hal Roach : Ah, yes, yes. There's a day job staring me in the face.

• Hal Roach : Nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give. Good night.