- Gomez Addams: [looking at an empty seat] You know, Tish, dinner just isn't the same without Fester.
- Morticia Addams: He'd sit here after he was one, smiling and dabbing his mouth.
- Gomez Addams: And then he'd belch and blow out a window or two!
- Wednesday Addams: I haven't seen uncle Fester since he staked himself to the anthills.
- Morticia Addams: I know, dear, but something was bothering him even then - those screams were half-hearted and I didn't hear his usual joyous cackle.
- Morticia Addams: Do you think Uncle Fester's all right, dear? He's been down in the basement for almost a week now.
- Gomez Addams: Well, you know how these geniuses are, always working on something.
- Morticia Addams: Yes. But he was so upset for not selling his last invention. And he had such a high hope for his lint wigs.
- [an explosion occurs]
- Uncle Fester: [appearing from a door] Oh boy! I hit the jack pot! Excuse me a minute.
- [ducks back in for another explosion]
- Uncle Fester: [laughing] I didn't want to miss the afterblast!
- Gomez Addams: Follow me, Fester! I know just who to talk to about your new invention!
- Morticia Addams: Au revoir, darling!
- Gomez Addams: [excited] Cara Mia! You spoke French!
- [picks up both of Morticia's hands]
- Gomez Addams: This one. No, no! No, no! No. This one! No, no! No! This one!
- Morticia Addams: What's wrong, darling?
- Gomez Addams: I can't make up my mind! Both arms are so beautiful!
- Gomez Addams: My brother Fester's invented a brand new fabric!
- Mr. Normanmeyer: I don't want anything that jerk invents!
- Uncle Fester: [close to tears] Did you hear that? He doesn't even know me that well and already he's treating me like family!
- Morticia Addams: Fester, aren't you the modest one! You didn't tell us Happyester was itchy!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, it's just one of those extras I threw in, you know. Wait until they try to wash 'em. That's when the shrimp eggs kick in!
- Uncle Fester: Did somebody say family dance? How about the Dry White Hoe Down?
- Gomez Addams: Fester, it's miles to the airport!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah, okay. Well, then how 'bout the Pork Bump?
- [the family cheers]
- [first lines]
- [at dinner]
- Gomez Addams: Ah, Lurch old boy, you've outdone yourself! You've charred many a tree stump in your day, but the termite stuffing makes this one outstanding!
- Gomez Addams: Gadzooks and goodnights! Fester has invented a new fabric! It's bulletproof, self-cleaning...
- Uncle Fester: And it tastes good with dip, too!
- Wednesday Addams: Congratulations, Uncle Fester!
- Morticia Addams: Isn't it exciting, Fester? Your first successful invention!
- Uncle Fester: I call it Happyester, after Happydale Heights, our fine city!
- Gomez Addams: What would you say if I offered you a prime business opportunity, Normanmeyer?
- Mr. Normanmeyer: First, I'd laugh in your face. Then I'd be violently ill!
- Gomez Addams: See? Told you he'd like it!
- Wednesday Addams: [improvising a formula] Chlorine. Benzene. Margarine. Nitroglycerine.
- Pugsley Addams: Yes!
- Uncle Fester: I just don't get it! I thought Norman was my friend for ever and ever, or at least until the next presidential election!
- [Normanmeyer is under attack from a press conference]
- Uncle Fester: Oh look at the poor guy, he's so happy he's made America itchy he can't even speak!
- [chuckles]
- Uncle Fester: Norman needs me. Like he was there for me, so will I be there for him!
- [leaves]
- Morticia Addams: Oh, isn't that sweet! Fester is helping that nice Mr. Normanmeyer with his questions!
- Uncle Fester: [at the press conference] You see, nobody wanted Happyester, but not my pal! Uh-Uh! He was determined that every man, woman and child in America have itchy legs, shrimpy shorts and scratchy pants!
- Wednesday Addams: [to her headless doll] Ah, Juliet, it is time for you to practice the art of feeding yourself.
- [pours her food into the doll's open neck]
- Wednesday Addams: Not too fast...
- [the doll burps]
- Wednesday Addams: That's it. Savour the flavor.
- [Pugsley throws food at his father]
- Morticia Addams: Dear, where are your manners?
- Pugsley Addams: Sorry, Mom.
- Morticia Addams: You forgot the gravy!
- Pugsley Addams: Oh, yeah. Eh, sorry, Dad!
- [throws gravy at his father]
- Gomez Addams: Ah! Crunchy, just the way I like it!
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Please, don't juggle the bronze underwear, they've been in the family for generations.
- Gomez Addams: Our apologies, Normanmeyer, but we didn't see any axes lying around.
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Look, Fester, from now on, it's you and me. Me and you. Mano a mano. With your brains and my underwear, we can change the world!
- Mr. Normanmeyer: [Fester and Gomez are knocking on his door, he rips the door off and hands it to his son] Quick son, take this out the back and, and burn it!
- Normanmeyer Junior: Dad, they're standing on the sidewalk too.
- Mr. Normanmeyer: I know, son, but it's nothing a good hosing won't cure.