The Addams Family (TV Series)

Itt's Over (1992)

Rip Taylor: Uncle Fester

Quotes 

• Morticia Addams : [gasps]  Uncle Fester, what's that on your head?

  Uncle Fester : Oh, I was just standing under the powerline waving up at the vultures!

  Morticia Addams : No, it looks like hair!

  Uncle Fester : Hair? Ohoh! You're kidding me, Morticia! I don't have any... any...

  [looks in a mirror and gasps] 

  Uncle Fester : Hey! Hair? Ew! Get it off! Get if off!

  [slaps his head] 

• Uncle Fester : Hey, Norm! This plunger isn't working. Can I borrow your weed- whacker?

  Mr. Normanmeyer : How'd you get in here?

  Uncle Fester : Oh, I came up through the pipes in the bathroom,

  Mrs. Normanmeyer : Ew!

  Uncle Fester : I know. It's this hideous hair. Hm. the only things you're used to seeing on my head are insects!

  N.J. Normanmeyer : And I bet he wants your help, Dad!

  Uncle Fester : That's right! My favorite roofing companion, you're always there when I need you, like when I was depressed and you went out of your way to push me off that cliff...

  [Normanmeyer kicks Fester out of his house] 

  Uncle Fester : Nice try, Norm, but it's still here!

• Uncle Fester : Oh, Cousin Itt, I know I've troubled you many times for the honour of gnawing the birds out of your coiffe...

  Gomez Addams : [excited]  Fester! That's French!

  Uncle Fester : Get away from me! Go talk to your wife!

  Gomez Addams : Oh... oh, yeah, right...

• Uncle Fester : [having retreated into his coat]  Oh, Lurch, what am I gonna do? I miss Cousin Itt already.

  [sniffs] 

  Uncle Fester : And I his dandruff came in so handy for those skiing jaunts down in the basement...

• Uncle Fester : [in prison]  It's a real hoot in here!

  [chuckles] 

  Mr. Normanmeyer : What? You mean... you... you like it?

  Uncle Fester : I love it! I made these great new friends. And they even let me flatten my hair in the license plate machine, too!

  Gomez Addams : Aha! A childhood dream come true!

  Uncle Fester : That's right! And I owe it all to my pal, Norm!

  [hugs Normanmeyer through the bar, who starts banging the bars in frustration and despair] 

  Mr. Normanmeyer : No! No! No!

• Uncle Fester : [Fester us freed from jail]  Oh, Cousin Itt, even though it means I have to leave this Shangri-La, I'm a smiling fool just because you're back!

  [Itt jabbers] 

  Uncle Fester : What? You can have me thrown in jail any time I want and I don't even have to commit a crime?

  Morticia Addams : [off screen]  Oh, Gomez.

  Uncle Fester : [kisses Itt]  Gee, thanks!

  Gomez Addams : Just one of the benefits of having a government man in the family!

• Uncle Fester : [emerges from water with a train on his head]  Am I too late to obliterate mine?

  Wednesday Addams : Of course not, Uncle Fester.

  [Fester blows up the train and laughs] 

  Uncle Fester : Cool!

  Uncle Fester : [hanging from the ceiling]  Oh, boy... do I know how to blow up a train or what?

• Morticia Addams : I hope you're successful, Uncle Fester.

  Uncle Fester : [tying his hair to the car]  Don't worry, Morticia. Remember how well it worked when I grew that blue arm?

  Gomez Addams : Besides, just think how much fun Lurch will have dragging Fester around the neighborhood, the lucky dog!

• Uncle Fester : I tried Velcro, fish scales, and hiring that longshoreman with the peg leg, but nothing works!

• Wednesday Addams : Uncle Fester, your hair...!

  Uncle Fester : Oh, no! Is it back?

  Morticia Addams : No, dear, it's all gone!

  Uncle Fester : Well... I guess I was so worried about Cousin Itt that my hair fell out!

  Gomez Addams : That must be a load off your mind.

  Uncle Fester : Yeah, and we can deep-fry it at the next family picnic!

• Grandmama Addams : [peering into her crystal ball]  Ah! I see more baldness!

  Uncle Fester : Mine?

  Grandmama Addams : No, Lurch!

  [Lurch moans] 

• Uncle Fester : [singing]  Oh, Iron Maiden, won't you close on me...?

• Uncle Fester : Cousin Itt, I throw myself upon the mercy of your split ends! Tell me how to get rid of this hair.

  [Itt jabbers] 

  Morticia Addams : Oh, dear, it's classified government information.

  Gomez Addams : Cara mia! Another bureaucratic cover-up!

  Uncle Fester : You government agents are all alike: three-foot tall balls of unfeeling fur! And after all those times I licked your driveway clean!

• Uncle Fester : Go away, Cousin Itt! I'm not speaking to you, and neither is Thing - well, even if he had a mouth he wouldn't speak to you!

  [Itt jabbers] 

  Uncle Fester : What? You'll tell me the hair-removing formula even though it's classified? Thanks, Cuz!

  [hugs Itt] 

  Uncle Fester : Oooh.

  [Itt jabbers a bit] 

  Uncle Fester : Wait a minute... you could lose your man government perks and privileges, including that 10% discount at the lumberyard!

  [sniffels] 

  Uncle Fester : You-you'd do that, for me?

• Mr. Normanmeyer : That's him, officer, he did it, he killed Cousin Hairball, arrest him.

  Uncle Fester : Ditto, Norm.

  [sniffs] 

  Uncle Fester : Lock me up and throw away the key, I deserve to rot in jail.

  Morticia Addams : Fester wants to rot in jail. Oh, Gomez, he must be starting to feel better already.

  Gomez Addams : He's got that old Addams verve back!