- Michael Grunewald: What makes you so sure you're gonna get an A?
- Little Louie: Are you kidding? You know what's waiting for me at home?
- Michael Grunewald: A plate full of high-cholesterol cookies?
- Little Louie: The Fort Knox of war stories! The mother load. It's time eight years of bone-breaking boredom started to pay off.
- Andy Anderson: Who's your teacher?
- Little Louie: Mr. Lambert.
- Andy Anderson: And what did Mr. Lambert do during the war?
- Little Louie: Apparently, he taught field hygiene.
- Andy Anderson: Right. How to care for your toilet paper. You ever hear the expression, Louie, 'those who do do and those who can't do don't believe those who did do'?
- Mr. Lambert: Does anyone know what oral history is?
- Michael Grunewald: The story of dental floss?
- [the class laughs]
- Glen Glenn: The story of toothbrushes?
- [this time, nobody laughs and instead looks at him like he's an idiot]
- Glen Glenn: What? Dental floss is funny but toothbrushes gets me nothing?
- Andy Anderson: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Little Louie: I'm talking about three little letters: I.N.C.
- Andy Anderson: I.N.C? What do those clowns want? I got my green card, I'm a citizen.
- Little Louie: Stands for incomplete, Dad. That's what I got on my oral report.
- Andy Anderson: Incomplete, huh? What's the problem, got too choked up talking about your old man? Couldn't get through the whole thing?
- Little Louie: Uhh, no. Problem was they couldn't swallow it. Mr. Lambert said no one person could've done everything you did.
- Andy Anderson: Exactly what I said when they gave me the golden calf. I tell you that story?
- Little Louie: Dad, they said I exaggerated.
- Andy Anderson: Spout a couple whoppers, did ya? Understandable. You got carried away. It happens.
- Little Louie: Hey, Dad, did you ever go by another name other than Anderson?
- Andy Anderson: Yeah, I used to be called Go to Bed Now Before I Get Really Mad Anderson.
- Little Louie: I'm proud of you, Dad. I hope that one day my keister will save the United States of America.
- Andy Anderson: Not to worry, kid, you got the Anderson keister. You're on your way.
- Andy Anderson: If you're humiliated, I understand, Louie. You want to change your name, son, it's alright with me.
- Little Louie: As long as I can change it to Keister.
- Andy Anderson: What's that?
- Little Louie: I'm proud to be a Keister, Dad.
- Andy Anderson: [making up excuses as to why he won't attend his military reunion] I don't believe in reunions.
- Little Louie: You went to your high school reunion.
- Andy Anderson: My old uniform doesn't fit.
- Little Louie: You were wearing it last weekend. Mom let it out.
- Andy Anderson: I'm gonna be at Sunday mass.
- Little Louie: Tomorrow's Saturday.
- Andy Anderson: It's the Sabbath. I converted.
- Melvin: The Spanish-American War took place in 1898. World War II in 1941. By all estimations, that would make your dad 112 years old.
- Little Louie: Well, you know, he doesn't look a day over 102.