- Lydia Monroe: Daddy, are people who see things in daydreams, well, are they normal?
- John Monroe: No, they're much better than that. Why, for heaven's sake, they're the artists, the poets, the bums, the cream of society. They get a lot more out of life than normal people. For one thing, they're never lonely or cold or hungry because they've got their imaginations to keep them warm and to keep them company. And don't you believe for a minute that because they see things that you don't, those things aren't real.
- Grandpa: If it was good enough for Abe Lincoln, it's good enough for him.
- Little John: Did you really cure Abraham Lincoln, Grandpa?
- Grandpa: Yep. The president was deathly sick when he come to review us. Mr. President, I says, beggin' your pardon, sir. I got somethin' here that'll cure that cold of yours. He took it, and today he's as healthy as an ox. He'll outlive us all, old Abe will!
- John Monroe: If he stops going to those opening nights!
- Grandpa: I gotta get you in good shape in case them Johnny Rebs get a notion to raid us tonight. I need you to help me stand 'em off. Your father won't be no good with a gun, I can tell you.
- Little John: He's pretty good with a strap, though.
- Grandpa: We ain't fightin' this war with no straps. It's lucky I'm prepared.
- [pulls out a large pistol]
- Little John: Wow! Have you ever used it?
- Grandpa: Still warm from Gettysburg.
- Little John: Boy, those Johnny Rebs will sure be in for a surprise if they attack us!
- John Monroe: ...So they carted her off cursing and screaming, and the husband lived happily ever after. Obviously, it's a fairy story.
- Lydia Monroe: I don't like stories where the women lose.
- John Monroe: Well, that's the only kind men write when their wives are not around.