Glee (TV Series)

Laryngitis (2010)

Mark Salling: Noah 'Puck' Puckerman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : [lying in the garbage]  I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad?

  [hears Mercedes sing] 

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Wait a second... That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular. If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a cheerio. Wait... I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one! Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remember right now... The Puckster's about to make you his.

• Mercedes Jones : [Puck and a group of jocks are tossing nerds into a dumpster]  Puck, what the hell is going on here?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Just a little payback. You hear that? That's the sound of order being restored.

  Mercedes Jones : No man of mine is gonna be pulling stuff like this.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Babe, this is what we do. Look at 'em. They need this. Without the fear of a good dumpster toss, it'd be chaos up in this place. Look, you don't need to like it, but you need to accept it: this is the way things are. 'Cause now, we're part of the system. We're at the top of the heap.

  [to the line of nerds] 

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Who's next?

• Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : What was that?

  Jacob Ben Israel : Whatever I did, I'm... I'm sorry. Here, take my lunch money as an apology.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Put that away. Why didn't you look at me when I walked by?

  Jacob Ben Israel : Well, the Tweetosphere says you're dating Mercedes Jones. She's one of the most popular girls in school. Your cool-o-meter is off the charts. Which means most of us are terrified of you again. Some of the guys who threw you in the dumpster actually tranferred today out of fear of retaliation.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : [he smirks, and Jacob smiles in return]  I didn't say you could smile. Give me that lunch money.

• Mercedes Jones : [Puck is trying to impress her so he can start dating her]  What are they doing here?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : I invited my brothers from the jazz band and their righteous horns to help me out with my song. Since I shaved my mohawk, I started seeing things differently. Last week, I joined a black church, and I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Jr. ever recorded on iTunes. He was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration. So, without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits.

• Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Hey, sugar. Listen. I got a proposition to make. I did some research. Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other. And Wikipedia says that King Martin Luther loved the Jews.

  Mercedes Jones : Okay, you just said, like, ten offensive things.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : My point is you're popular now. And I got to be honest... I need to spice up my image a little. We should join forces. It wouldn't take much. Just a little light making out. And I like a girl with curves. You got to admit, I'm easy on the eyes.

  Mercedes Jones : Baby, I just am not attracted to you. Plus, I know what you do the girls you date. You knock them up, and then you hang them out to dry.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else. We just did the nasty. And she understood you can't tie me down. I'm a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.

  Mercedes Jones : Okay, I'm gonna ask you to stop, because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you.