- DeDe Pritchett: [At Jay and Gloria's wedding] To the bride, and the groom - my ex. Thirty-five years we were together, and he couldn't wait ten minutes to run off with Charo.
- [Gasps around the room]
- DeDe Pritchett: That's a joke; that's a joke. Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other... when I saw his wallet and her boobs.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You know, Mom's in town.
- Jay Pritchett: Your mom?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No. No, your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad.
- Jay Pritchett: My mom would be less scary.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Listen, she's a wreck about what happened at the wedding, and she wants to come to dinner tonight to apologize to everyone.
- Jay Pritchett: Still her little errand boy, I see.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No... why does everyone keep saying... No! I... I'm just trying to piece this family back together. So, you'll talk to Gloria about Mom coming to dinner?
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a million years. She's still furious with your mother, which is why I'm not talking to you.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What did I do?
- Jay Pritchett: This conversation never took place.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What? That's not very nice. I drove all the way here.
- Jay Pritchett: No, you didn't. You were never here. In fact, you never even called.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I would have called, but I thought it would be better to talk about... what's happening here?
- Jay Pritchett: Listen, I would love to get this thing behind us, but Gloria would never forgive me if I pulled a fast one on her. That's why *you're* going to pull a fast one on her, and I'm not going to like it one bit.