- Phil Dunphy: [in agonising pain from kidney stones] Oh, that's bad. I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm just- Okay, that's cancer!
- Alex Dunphy: What's the most irritating thing my parents say to me?
- Manny Delgado: 'That's too much cologne.'
- Haley Dunphy: 'That's how girls end up dead.'
- Luke Dunphy: 'Don't talk black to me.'
- Manny Delgado: 'It's inappropriate because she's your teacher.'
- Luke Dunphy: How do you even talk black? End words with 'izzle'?
- Alex Dunphy: [Offscreen] It's 'talk back', you idiot.
- Luke Dunphy: Ohhhhh.
- Alex Dunphy: 'Act more like an adult.' What does 'act more like an adult' even mean?
- Jay Pritchett: Hey, help me out here. Everybody sees you as this great guy, you know, you live this life of adventure. How come I don't buy a word of it? All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.
- Javier Delgado: Hey, Manny knows me. I live in the now.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, I was living in the yesterday when Manny was crying outside that door 'cause you didn't show up for the 10th time.
- Javier Delgado: And when I don't come, you think, uh... what, I'm just off chasing a good time? Hmm? You ever think it might be hard for me, coming here?
- Jay Pritchett: Why? Because of Gloria?
- Javier Delgado: Because of you.