- Kyle: Andy, I've been here for half an hour. Can I have my shoeshine?
- Andy Dwyer: Dude... Kyle, I'm gonna lose my shit on you if you ask me one more time.
- Andy Dwyer: My problem is I don't know how to tell if we're doing good. Because when you play a rock show, it's really easy to know if you're doing great because chicks will flash their boobs at you when you're up onstage. And you're like, "Oh! That must've sounded pretty good. " If that happens here, my eyes will fall out of my head and I'll die.
- Andy Dwyer: [after singing "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" at the senior dance] Uh I mean, that sucked, didn't it?
- Guitarist: Maybe if you sang it like Louis Armstrong.
- Andy Dwyer: Maybe, yeah. I mean, here's the thing, though. Who is that?
- Tom Haverford: Some champagne?
- Wendy Haverford: Uh, no, thanks.
- Tom Haverford: Come on. This is Armand de Brignac. Jay-Z drinks this.
- Wendy Haverford: Yeah, well, Jay-Z doesn't have to perform surgery in an hour.
- Tom Haverford: You don't know Jay-Z's schedule. He's a renaissance man.
- Frank Beckerson: Marlene, you... blew it! Take one last look Marlene because you'll never see this body again!