- Loretta Haggers: I said, "Oh, you shouldn't have made me pretty, Lord, it only leads to woe." It's a country-western song.
- Vassar: I knew that! It's one of my favorites! How come you know that song?
- Loretta Haggers: I'm a country-western singer.
- Vassar: On the level?
- Loretta Haggers: I was on our way to Nashville where I'm gonna be a superstar.
- Coach Leroy Fedders: [reading Blanche's latest placard] D.I.R.T.Y. Dirty. Don't instill randy thoughts in the young. Blanche, do you have to do that here? Could you give me a little room? Look, I have a very important basketball game coming up on Saturday night. I have to to finish diagramming these plays. Now, these are surefire.
- Blanche Fedders: How come your team hasn't won a game all season if your plays are so "surefire"?
- Coach Leroy Fedders: You know, I have my suspicions. With the game plans I've worked out so far this season we should be undefeated. Something tells me some of my boys are breaking my rule against having intercourse during basketball season.
- Mary Hartman: Oh, poor Davey.
- Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, he's a mass murderer. He murdered the entire Lombardi family, plus their two goats and eight chickens.
- Mary Hartman: I know, but aside from that he's such a nice boy. I mean, I wish there was something I could do for him.
- Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, You're too good hearted.
- [last lines]
- Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, when are you going to stop by to pick up your shoe?
- Mary Hartman: When we're both ready.