Community (TV Series)
Early 21st Century Romanticism (2011)
Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne
Photos
Quotes
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Troy Barnes : [Jeff walks into the study room] Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend wanna ask the same girl to the Valentine's dance, but neither have dibs because both of you fell in love with her at first sight?
Jeff Winger : Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.
Abed Nadir : You're going to have to open your heart one day, Jeff.
Jeff Winger : What happens if I don't? I miss the heart opening deadline?
Pierce Hawthorne : [Pierce walks into the study room] Valentine's, Crapentine's.
Jeff Winger : Opening my heart is on my list.
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Shirley Bennett : Pierce?
Pierce Hawthorne : [grunts] Mm-hmm
Shirley Bennett : What was that?
Pierce Hawthorne : Gum.
Annie Edison : Why aren't you chewing?
Pierce Hawthorne : Because I'm using my mouth for this dumb conversation.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Lesbians!
Britta Perry , Page : [unison] Screw you.
[nervously chuckles]
Britta Perry , Page : Heh. Heh. L...
Britta Perry : No, no. I don't care what they say.
Page : Oh, I don't either. I wish it wasn't such an issue for them.
Britta Perry : Yeah, but that starts with us. That starts with us.
[both laugh nervously]
Page : [both begin kissing awkwardly]
[crowd murmuring]
Page : [Annie and Claire watch nonplussed] I've never done this before.
Britta Perry : Me neither.
Britta Perry , Page : [unison] Wait, what?
Man : Bring it.
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Britta Perry , Page : [laughter] Bye.
Britta Perry : [Britta walks in the study room] That's my friend, Page. She's cool, but... whatever.
Troy Barnes : She's cute.
Britta Perry : Oh, Troy.
[chuckles]
Britta Perry : Heh. Before you go barking up that tree, I have to tell you she might not be interested.
Annie Edison : Why wouldn't she be...?
[gasps]
Annie Edison : Oh. Is she a friend of Ellen?
Britta Perry : Yes, Annie, but you can say the word. Page is a... lesbian.
[all heads turn to look at Pierce]
Britta Perry : Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one.
Pierce Hawthorne : Nothing off the cuff. What I do have is a prepared statement.
[Pierce opens his satchel on the table, changes his glasses, pulls out his statement and inhales deeply, cut to intro]
Pierce Hawthorne : [intro ends] ... And in summation, good luck and bon appétit.
[group is nonplussed]
Jeff Winger : Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive.
Pierce Hawthorne : Wait till you hear the one I have for you.
[Pierce takes a pill]
Shirley Bennett : Okay, I know that wasn't gum.
Pierce Hawthorne : You're right. It was an awesome exit pill.
[Pierce rises]
Pierce Hawthorne : Zip, zop, zooey. Bye.
[Pierce moonwalks exit, all heads turn to look at Jeff]