Community (TV Series)

Early 21st Century Romanticism (2011)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Troy Barnes : [Jeff walks into the study room]  Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend wanna ask the same girl to the Valentine's dance, but neither have dibs because both of you fell in love with her at first sight?

  Jeff Winger : Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

  Abed Nadir : You're going to have to open your heart one day, Jeff.

  Jeff Winger : What happens if I don't? I miss the heart opening deadline?

  Pierce Hawthorne : [Pierce walks into the study room]  Valentine's, Crapentine's.

  Jeff Winger : Opening my heart is on my list.

• Professor Ian Duncan : Jeff. Hello! I hear you're fighting with your study group.

  Jeff Winger : Correct.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Now, you won't know this, being American, but tonight, Liverpool are playing Man...

  Jeff Winger : ...Manchester United. I'm a stylish American, professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Ah, then it's destiny. God gave you a British friend and a massive TV for a reason.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, it's Valentine's day, and even though we're fighting, I did promise the study group I'd go to the dance.

  Professor Ian Duncan : [mockingly]  You promised the study group? Whip crack. I'll see you at precisely 6:30, or, as the English call it, gravedigger's biscuits. Okay? Ha!

• Jeff Winger : [doorbell rings, Jeff looks out the peephole] 

  [whispering] 

  Jeff Winger : It's Chang.

  Professor Ian Duncan : [whispering]  Chang? Why?

  Jeff Winger : I don't know.

  Señor Chang : [whispering]  I can hear you guys.

  Jeff Winger : [normal voice]  What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?

  Señor Chang : I can answer both of those questions by returning your driver's license.

  [holds up Jeff's license to the peephole] 

• Shirley Bennett : We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.

  Jeff Winger : He's recovering from broken legs.

  Troy Barnes : I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!

  Jeff Winger : I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.

  Britta Perry : Yeah, they also invented TV, have you seen him control one of those?

  Annie Edison : [pointing at the others]  Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?

  Jeff Winger : Count me out.

  Shirley Bennett : We can't count you out, he listens to you.

  Jeff Winger : Well, he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.

  Troy Barnes : [everyone gasps in horror]  Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?

  Jeff Winger : Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?

  Annie Edison : Well, maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!

  Jeff Winger : Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are.

  Abed Nadir : Fundamental.

  Jeff Winger : You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.

  Britta Perry : [yelling angrily]  You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded ass!

• Jeff Winger : This isn't a party!

  Señor Chang : Better not tell that to Magnitude.

  Jeff Winger : Who the hell is Magnitude?

  [Magnitude struts in] 

  Magnitude : Yo yo yo! Pop pop!

• Jeff Winger : It might not shock you guys to hear the real reason we had a fight today. It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies. Although I do have some unsolved issues there. Caring about a person can be scary. Caring about six people can be a horrifying, embarrassing nightmare. At least for me. But if I can't say it today, when can I say it? I love you guys. Oh, and Pierce? Take it from the expert. These knuckleheads are right outside your heart. Let them in. Before it's too late. Happy Valentine's Day.

• Jeff Winger : [to Chang]  I'm ignoring you and watching soccer.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Just sit down, Chang. There's space for three fannies on this sofa.

  Señor Chang : In England, fanny means "vagina," right?

  Professor Ian Duncan : In England, everything means "vagina."

  [Chang chortles] 

  Señor Chang : [Chang puts his hand on Jeff's knee]  I'm gonna make it up to you, Winger.

  [Jeff, unaffected, removes Chang's hand] 

  Señor Chang : Even though, like I said, weird place to put a lamp. But, let me order a pizza.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Ooh, I love pizza. In England, we call them "Italian fannies."

• Jeff Winger : All right, everybody out. I'm not kidding. It's been very interesting getting to know you all much, much better. Star-Burns. Leonard. Magnitude.

  Magnitude : Pop, pop.

  Jeff Winger : Swizzle. Scandalous. C Dubbs. Tim. Mighty D. Glisten. Good night, everyone. Faster. Move it. Thank you.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Well... I hope you found tonight therapeutic. Because I would love to pretend that that was my plan.

  Jeff Winger : I actually started to have fun until that maniac tried to move in. What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the Statue of Liberty?

  Professor Ian Duncan : I don't know, but being as how you are halfway through your second year at Greendale, you may want to either stop resisting, or admit that you're actually starting to enjoy it.

  Jeff Winger : Well, you assume I enjoy it because you think you'd enjoy it.

  Professor Ian Duncan : It's true,

  [chuckles] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : I am very lonely.

  Jeff Winger : You want a nice little taste of what you're missing in a relationship with six nutcases?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Yeahhhh.

  Jeff Winger : Let's turn on my phone and listen to the 39 messages they left tonight.

  Jeff's phone voicemail : [recorded voice on phone]  Hello. You have no new messages.

  Jeff Winger : Hm. That's... Hm.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Since you got it turned on, why don't you call me a cab and then pay for it?

  Jeff Winger : They must be in some kind of trouble.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Ah. What a relief that would be. Tell you what. If you need me, I'm gonna be waiting for my cab down here. I'll have a special nap.

  Señor Chang : [Jeff drops trash down the chute]  Chang: Oh!

  [Jeff carries a sleeping Chang upstairs to Jeff's apartment] 

  Señor Chang : Thanks, bro, I'll be gone in the morning.

  Jeff Winger : Yeah, whatever.

  Señor Chang : Okay, maybe I'll stay a while. Thirsty.

  Jeff Winger : Don't push it.

  Señor Chang : All right.

• Señor Chang : [in a bathrobe]  Jeff, something's up with your toothbrush, man.

  Jeff Winger : What the hell?

  Señor Chang : I had to get cleaned up.

  Jeff Winger : Why?

  Señor Chang : [doorbell rings, answers the door]  Oh, yeah.

  Star-Burns : Yeah.

  Señor Chang : Pizza time.

  Jeff Winger : Leonard?

  Leonard : Where are the white women at?

  Jeff Winger : No. There are no white women here, Leonard. This is not a party.

• Britta Perry , Page : [laughter]  Bye.

  Britta Perry : [Britta walks in the study room]  That's my friend, Page. She's cool, but... whatever.

  Troy Barnes : She's cute.

  Britta Perry : Oh, Troy.

  [chuckles] 

  Britta Perry : Heh. Before you go barking up that tree, I have to tell you she might not be interested.

  Annie Edison : Why wouldn't she be...?

  [gasps] 

  Annie Edison : Oh. Is she a friend of Ellen?

  Britta Perry : Yes, Annie, but you can say the word. Page is a... lesbian.

  [all heads turn to look at Pierce] 

  Britta Perry : Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Nothing off the cuff. What I do have is a prepared statement.

  [Pierce opens his satchel on the table, changes his glasses, pulls out his statement and inhales deeply, cut to intro] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : [intro ends]  ... And in summation, good luck and bon appétit.

  [group is nonplussed] 

  Jeff Winger : Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Wait till you hear the one I have for you.

  [Pierce takes a pill] 

  Shirley Bennett : Okay, I know that wasn't gum.

  Pierce Hawthorne : You're right. It was an awesome exit pill.

  [Pierce rises] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : Zip, zop, zooey. Bye.

  [Pierce moonwalks exit, all heads turn to look at Jeff]