Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Alone in the Dark (2009)

Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara, 90s Kid

Quotes 

• Linkara : [a character is shot]  What... he didn't even hit her! Look, it goes right above her head. Was the shock of somebody trying to kill her too much for her to handle?

  Nostalgia Critic : Actually, think about it, that gun shot was computer generated, so the director actually had to say in post-production, 'make sure that shot doesn't hit her.' What a cocksucking douchebag.

• The Spoony One : So one of the kids escapes from the evil experiments and runs to the safest place he can think of: a high voltage electricity box.

  Linkara : But it's okay, he's saved by a flash forward to the future.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh no, he grew up into Christian Slater.

• Christian Slater as Edward : You don't have to believe me.

  Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One , Linkara : Why start now?

• Linkara : You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could just as easily go through the window you smashed through.

• Linkara : Is he trying to out-Slater Christian Slater?

• Linkara : But his monologuing doesn't last long as he's interrupted by Aileen dropping by his place. Perhaps she's come to share some info or figure out why he lied about being dead or...

  The Spoony One : [Edward and Aileen start making out]  Or maybe she's just a whore.

  Linkara : What kind of woman acts like this? Breaks into your home and just starts making out with you. Granted, I wish more women acted like that, but this is really pushing it.

• 90s Kid : Whoa, what's with all these flashing lights?

  [is shot] 

  90s Kid : Oh, not radical.

• Stephen Dorf : I got a feeling this is just the beginning.

  Nostalgia Critic , Linkara , The Spoony One : Awwww!

  The Spoony One : How long is this movie?

  Linkara : This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet no plot at all.

• Linkara : So now with the monsters blown up, everything is fine, right? Noooooo. For it turns out some other group of monsters that was never explained or shown to us attacked the city while they were fighting in the cave, resulting in a complete evacuation of the entire city, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Wow! That's a LOT to buy, movie. That is a LOT to buy.

  Nostalgia Critic : One night? They evacuated the city in one night? Holy fuck balls is this stupid.

  The Spoony One : And you know what makes it really tragic is that everyone in the city had just two days left 'til retirement...

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up.

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I feel a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless you can find someone else...

  Linkara : [comes in]  Hi, guys!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh Jesus, no.

  Linkara : I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky.

  [Cut to a shot of a spotlight showing a picture of the Critic's face in the sky] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why did I install that?

  Linkara : No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

• Linkara : What's with this guy and his fear of doors? Did a door kill his family?

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark with a group in the daylight?

  Linkara : Sounds great.

  The Spoony One : Totally looking forward to it.

  Nostalgia Critic : Goody.

• Linkara : Now it says "if you made it to this door, you weren't intimidated by the other door."

• The Spoony One : So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out bullets are just like Milk Duds being thrown at him.

  Linkara : [Edward now shoots him in the leg]  Yes, because it worked so well the first time!

• Linkara , The Spoony One : [to the tune of the Star Wars theme]  Boring. This is so boring. This is so boring. Get to the show.

• Nostalgia Critic : Hey look, it's that guy who consistently almost has a career.

  Linkara : Stephen Dorf?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes.

• The Spoony One : So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent old nun who ran a lovely little orphanage where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments.

  Linkara : Wait, what?

• Linkara : This movie jumps around more than a Mexican jumping bean on a grasshopper... on a jackrabbit... on a pogo stick.

  [Spoony and NC give him a look] 

  Linkara : This movie sucks!

• Linkara : So rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge and THEN attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise.

• Aileen : If you wanted somebody to build a puzzle, why would you hide the pieces so far apart?

  Linkara , Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One : Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!

• Linkara : [as the professor injects himself with monster blood]  Mmmm, that's good McGuffin!

• Nostalgia Critic : There, it's over. Now leave.

  The Spoony One : Oh, but I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead.

  [NC slaps him] 

  Linkara : Remember to buy Revolution of the Mask.

  [NC pokes him in the eyes] 

  The Spoony One : What about Dungeon Seige?

  [NC slaps him] 

  Linkara : Hey, you leave him alone.

  [NC hits him] 

  The Spoony One : I got BloodRayne.

  [NC pokes him] 

  The Spoony One : BloodRayne 2.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Linkara hits NC with his hat]  Pick five.

  [slaps Linkara] 

  The Spoony One : Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed.

  [NC hits both of them] 

  The Spoony One : Alright, Critic, it's on!

  [NC is tackled by Spoony and Linkara] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

• Linkara : How much text is in this movie?

  The Spoony One : It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.

• Stephen Dorf : It's classified. That means it's none of your fucking business!

  Linkara : [in Clint Eastwood voice]  What about the business of that little girl?

• [repeated line] 

  Linkara : Unless, of course, that man was...

  Linkara , Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One : Chuck Norris!

• Linkara : So for some reason, everyone decides to just walk off the movie. I mean geez, I knew Uwe Boll was a terrible director, but to have all the actors walking off the movie at the same time is pretty bad.

• Sam : This must be why his entire nervous system is compromised.

  Linkara : If by "compromised", you mean INVINCIBLE!

• Christian Slater as Edward : Seems all the pieces fit together.

  The Spoony One : [imitating Aileen]  Oh, is that what you call what we just did? I mean, I slapped you after we hugged. You don't even wanna know what I'm gonna do after we've had sex. 'Cha.

  Linkara : 'Cha.

  Nostalgia Critic : Chaw.

• Linkara : Hey look, a wall. That's different.

• Boy : My mommy says there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.

  Linkara : My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.

• The Spoony One , Linkara : [chanting]  Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding.

• The Spoony One : [imitating valley girl]  Okay, yeah, don't-cha know, like everybody knows about the Abkani.

  Linkara : It was all over MTV News last week.

  Nostalgia Critic : For sure.

• Linkara : We see Slater trying to walk away from the plot, when he has a sudden suspicion like he's being followed. And... he's not.

  The Spoony One : Huh. You know, from the way they were shooting, I could have sworn he was being followed.

  Linkara : Nope, he's just walking home with no conflicting obstacles whatsoever.

  The Spoony One : Huh. Kinda pointless, really.

  Linkara : Yep.

• Linkara : So, let's go back the way we just came.

  Nostalgia Critic : Walking at its best, folks.

• Stephen Dorf : [a soldier is hit]  Lay down, relax, everything's going to be fine.

  Linkara : Well she's a goner.