Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Kazaam (2008)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on, Vanilla Ice was blacker than this!

• Nostalgia Critic : You can do it, Kazaam. You can break free from the white man's chains.

• Nostalgia Critic : Meanwhile, Max is back home sleeping when...

  [suddenly, Kazaam's hand comes into frame and covers Max's face; the "Shock Horror" tone plays] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my god! OH MY GOD! BAD TOUCH!

  [dials a number on his cell phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : 911 emergency? There's a tall man who's been stalking this kid, giving him treats, and now he's touching him while in his bed and wearing his pajamas! HURRY!

• Salt : [rapping, pointing to Kazaam]  Ooh, who's the cutey over there? From another planet, don't just stare! Come over here and let me see you jiggy-jiggy jam it!

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't encourage him, you'll jiggy-jiggy regret it.

• Nostalgia Critic : So the movie stars Shaquille O'Neal... sit back down!

• Nostalgia Critic : Really? This is that quote-unquote "rapping genie" they were talking about? I should let you guys know that there is a huge difference between rapping and rhyming. Rapping is this.

  [shows a clip from Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa" video] 

  Nostalgia Critic : and rhyming is this: I saw a duck. Got a lot of luck. This movie is fucked. You see, it's very, very different.

• Nostalgia Critic : The genie doesn't believe in fairy tales.

  [leans in close to the camera] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The *genie* doesn't believe in *fairy tales*.

  [bangs on screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : HELLO!

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God, Shaq's gonna eat me!

• Narrator : [opening lines, over a distant shot of the Critic running up a hill]  The Nostalgia Critic could not be here today due to reasons of vengeance, but he left this video before he left for you to enjoy.

• Nostalgia Critic : If this movie was a dog, I would have it put down. If this movie was a car, I would have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who pleaded with me for just a bite of my ham and salami sandwich, I WOULD KILL HER!

• Kazaam : If you got the itches for a sack of riches, no matter how avaricious, I'm the man who can grant your wishes.

  Nostalgia Critic : Bitches!

• Nostalgia Critic : You want this film to be good and I'm not jokin'? Grab yourself a J and get to smokin'! No truer words have ever been spoken. It'll seem much better once you've been tokin'! See, I can do it, too. It's not hard.

• Max's Stepdad : Listen, Max, I don't intend to take the place of your father.

  Nostalgia Critic : I just wanna be the guy who humps your mother.

• Max : What's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life?

  Nostalgia Critic : Audience.

  Audience : This movie!

• Nostalgia Critic : [while Kazaam and Max are rapping]  You know, guys? Um, I was thinking rather than succumbing to what's the popular norm, I was thinking maybe you could have a real conversation. You know, nothing too deep, I'm just saying that... there's a possibility... maybe there's a personal pain that you don't want to acknowledge, that maybe you...

  [the Critic takes out a pistol and shoots it in the air; Kazaam and Max stop rapping] 

  Nostalgia Critic : NOW TALK RIGHT!

• Nostalgia Critic : To err is human. TO MAKE THE WORST PIECE OF HALF-ASSED COW SHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD ACTING 7-FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE!

• Nostalgia Critic : So he comes back looking like a Cadbury egg dressed as Liberace.

• Nostalgia Critic : [screams]  Shaqasm!

• Nostalgia Critic : A job? He can't get a job, he's a genie. Ha ha ha. That's pretty out there. Ha ha ha, ha... OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS!

• Nostalgia Critic : A genie in a boom box? Could this possibly be a musical romp?

• Kazaam : Who dares to wake me? Ain't gonna make this a mystery. Who's that sorry wannabe that disturbed my Z's?

  Nostalgia Critic : Really?

• Kazaam : Let's green egg and ham it.

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  Kazaam : Let's green egg and ham it.

  Nostalgia Critic : What is this, Seuss Doggy Dogg? I mean, that's the *stupidest* thing I ever heard in my life! That's something an infant would say when he's just learning how to read!

• Nostalgia Critic : He's gonna go SHAQ-FU on your asses!

• Kazaam : [to Max]  You were the only friend I ever had, and when you really needed me the most, I wasn't there.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, you were kind of a douche, Kazaam.

• Nostalgia Critic : This movie is retched! A festering shack of shit!

• Nostalgia Critic : That's sad when a breakfast is the best actor in a movie.

• Max : I wish I had junk food from here to the sky!

  Kazaam : Why not? Higher than high?

  Nostalgia Critic : That's an understatement.

• Nostalgia Critic : So Max finally finds his real father, only to discover he's a musical talent agent working in the underground world of pirated music!

  [slams table] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That basterdly slimeball!

• Nostalgia Critic : So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays...

  [picks up the VHS of the movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... and I'm quoting here...

  [reads the back of the cover] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ..."A rappin' genie with attitude, who's ready for slam dunk fun!"

  [disgusted, he spits on the VHS cover] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What they mean to say is that it's a corporate write-off to make a quick buck to entertain mindless port-a-dummy kids, who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one.

• Nostalgia Critic : What's the movie about? Well, it opens up with a wrecking ball... no doubt a metaphor for the rest of the film. It knocks over a lamp that apparently holds the genie in, which forces him to fall into a boombox, which I guess the genie decides to call his new home.