- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, okay, so how does "TMNT" fare out? Well, to be honest, it's not horrible. It's not even really that bad. It's just not very engaging. I mean, the story is just all over the place, and the characters aren't even that developed. I mean, I know they set them up in the show and the movies, but those were two different entities, as well as a long, long time ago. I guess maybe this is supposed to be a spinoff to the new show that's come out, but I never watched it, and anyone who hasn't is gonna be totally lost; that is, if it is a spinoff, I really don't know. But I will give it this, though: The CGI does kick ass, especially the design of the city. I mean, the angles, the lighting, the shadows, this is a really cool-looking movie. But I don't think that's enough to really save it. It's vague, it's confusing, and it's just a mess, much like my sex life. Err, I mean, uh... did I say it out loud? I, uh...
- [He quickly reaches down to pull out a pair of sunglasses, puts them on and pulls out a memory eraser to flash it at the camera a la "Men in Black"; the screen flashes white before fading back onto him]
- Nostalgia Critic: And that's why I'm the greatest lover ever, and don't you forget it. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
- Ask That Guy With The Glasses: Hello, I'm That Guy With The Glasses, and there are many questions I'm sure you want to ask me, like what am I doing at the end of this video? Are you actually that handsome in real life? And why did the Nostalgia Critic wear mascara in his last video, anyway? Well, none of those questions are important next to the greatest question of them all: How do I get Geek Fight cards? That's right, it's a fucking commercial. I bet you thought I was gonna say something meaningful like I usually do. But it turns out I'm an unbelievable whore. And how can you not be when you are actually featured on the cards? Look at that. Ask That Guy With The Glasses has his very own card. Isn't it beautiful? Yes. There are also other characters you can get, though, like the Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum, and even Hamster Jelly has a card. How did Hamster Jelly get a card? You don't want to know. They are only $7. Isn't that fantastic? Now that we have that out of the way, we can get back to answering the important questions, like why did the Nostalgia Critic wear eyeliner in his last review, anyway?
- Nostalgia Critic: It was from a Melvin sketch, alright? I don't wear eyeliner!
- Ask That Guy With The Glasses: He's lying, of course. It's because he's an emo.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, I'm not!
- Ask That Guy With The Glasses: Yes, he is. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "Buy these cards today, or I'll come to your house, sodomize and kill you."
- [the caption "He will, too." appears below him as he nods his head while still smiling]
- Nostalgia Critic: OK? So, they barely explain the turtles' back story because apparently they're making this movie for the fans who already know it. The fans who know it SO well that they have to see the turtle's name under him so that they can tell which one is which. THAT MAKES SENSE!
- Nostalgia Critic: The Turtles have jobs? Well, I mean, I guess they had to get their pizza somehow, but... what? Were they stealing the money before? Are the checks sent to the sewer? Do they go to the bank? Do they apply in line? What the hell am I talking about? TURTLES CAN'T GET JOBS!
- Nostalgia Critic: Did we miss some movie somewhere? I mean, last time I checked, they went time-traveling or some shit. When did all this "Self discovery" nonsense happen?
- Nostalgia Critic: Wow. Remember when these guys used to be fun? That was before every single comic book here I had to be bruting 24 hours a day. Seriously, lighten up.
- Nostalgia Critic: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Giant reptiles, talking about things, expressing their emotions, and analyzing them. Tune in next week when Donatello discovers that he might have Bipolar Depression. Stay tuned.
- Splinter: I've missed you, Leonardo.
- Leonardo: I've missed you too, father.
- Nostalgia Critic: Stop calling me that. I'm a fucking rat.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes. Stop this vigilante nonsense and be like us. The... "non-nonsense of vigilantism".