CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #286 In public bathrooms I will sometimes use the "children's urinal" in order to feel like a giant. If no one's around, I'm likely to sing along with Aretha Franklin's version of "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman, but not the Carole King version. I've never understood why anyone would bother making a porn movie that lasts longer than ten minutes. I often pretend that the person standing next to me in an elevator is an unwitting carrier of a deadly airborne disease unleashed by terrorists who hate our freedom. This, of course, forces me to hold my breath until the doors open. Forty years ago I measured my penis with a wood ruler. The irony was lost on me. Sometimes sex just seems like a lot of work. There are mornings when, for no perceivable reason, I turn into a teenage girl and repeatedly change my outfit. I floss so that my dentist will be proud of me. Even when asked, I have never been able to "talk dirty" to a woman without feeling like a complete idiot. My one attempt at manscaping ended in bloodshed.