- Shawn Spencer: Excuse me, I'm here for a class.
- Clerk: This class?
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, I believe it starts in...
- Clerk: Five minutes.
- Shawn Spencer: Right, five minutes from now. I'm usually 10 minutes early, so I'm already feeling behind.
- Clerk: This class is for five- to eight-year-olds.
- Shawn Spencer: Yes. Yes, it is. And, uh, that's what I call...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Discrimination.
- [points at the clerk triumphantly]
- Clerk: Discrimination?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes, and ageism.
- Clerk: Who are you?
- [gestures vacantly to buy himself time]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm his lawyer.
- Shawn Spencer: That's right.
- Clerk: You brought a lawyer?
- Shawn Spencer: I keep a lawyer on retainer at all times. There is so much injustice in the world that you practically can't leave home without one. And apparently, today it paid off.
- Clerk: Right, okay. Well, I will see you in court, then. Now...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Perfect. Now I need a statement from you. And as we plan to try this in both civil and criminal court, I'll need the police here as well. Can I use your phone, or do you only let the white people use that?
- Clerk: Who said anything about white people?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You just did.
- Clerk: The words "white people" did not come out of my mouth.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: There they are again. Luckily, I had my hand recorder on for that one. By the way, I am now disclosing that this conversation is being recorded.
- Clerk: Recorded? Okay, this is crazy.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crazy? You wanna know crazy? I sued 300 businesses last year alone. I sued a hot dog cart and got everything but the wheels and the buns, which I won in the civil case two months later. Now, if you don't mind, before I start snapping evidence photos, I'm a little parched, so can you tell me which one of these fountains I'm allowed to use?
- Shawn Spencer: All right, what the hell was that about?
- Henry Spencer: It's my job to determine if we need a consultant, and right now, I don't see the need for one.
- Shawn Spencer: You've had five opportunities to hire us. Now what is this really about?
- Henry Spencer: Are you familiar with the term "persona non grata"?
- Shawn Spencer: Why are we talking about food?
- Henry Spencer: Shawn, there's a reason they created the position I'm in. You burned a lot of bridges around here. You made a lot of sloppy mistakes. You're gonna have to earn your way back. Things are going to be different now.
- Shawn Spencer: It's so unfair.
- Henry Spencer: Is it?
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah. My results speak for themselves. You just hold me to a different standard.
- Henry Spencer: I... I do not.
- Shawn Spencer: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
- Henry Spencer: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, under a camoflauge tarp covered with bricks and broken glass.
- Henry Spencer: That was the giveaway. Oh, pardon... Pardon me for trying to challenge you.
- Shawn Spencer: It took me three weeks to "close" the egg investigation. I was eight.
- Henry Spencer: Yeah, well, just so you know, there's still two eggs you haven't found.
- Shawn Spencer: You're sick.
- Shawn Spencer: We'll do good cop, bad cop.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Who's bad cop?
- Shawn Spencer: You. You're the unscrupulous, penny-pinching boss, with a chip on your shoulder and mommy issues. I'm the nurturing, confidant type who's like "Dude, Gus is a jerk, but I've got your back. Together we'll take that sucker down."
- Shawn Spencer: We need information.
- Ken: Whoa, wait. You guys aren't here to pay me for my last day?
- Shawn Spencer: I believe I did pay you.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We didn't pay him anything.
- Shawn Spencer: We paid him in gratitude and life lessons.
- Ken: I knew I shouldn't have opened this door.
- Shawn Spencer: Ken, don't think of it as not being paid for your last day. Think of it as a surprise two-year vacation.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Unpaid.
- Shawn Spencer: We will hire you back.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Someday.
- Shawn Spencer: Probably not soon, though.
- Ken: Why are you guys here?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We need information on counterfitting Hong Kong coins.
- Shawn Spencer: And Chinese mafia.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: And we need you to explain the ending of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" to us.
- Ken: What? What, you guys think that because I'm Asian I'm suppose to know all this stuff? That's borderline racist, man.
- Shawn Spencer: Racist? No, I hardly think so. Inappropriate?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes.
- Shawn Spencer: Insulting?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sure.
- Shawn Spencer: Stereotyping?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sure.
- Shawn Spencer: Not racist.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Maybe a little racist.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, please. Now, Ken, how many Triads do you know? And/or are you one of them?
- Shawn Spencer: You do it.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You do it.
- Shawn Spencer: I don't fire people well, you know that.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You wanted the assistant.
- Shawn Spencer: I wanted a girl.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He's the only one who would take the job, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: [pause] What does that say about us?
- Shawn Spencer: And it turns out, business is just a little slower than expected.
- Ken: You guys hired me four days ago.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Much slower.
- Shawn Spencer: But the thing is my dad got a job at the police station, right? So we assumed that we'd get more cases.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He assumed. I called this from a mile away.
- Shawn Spencer: Exactly. Wait a... Holy crap, you're doing good cop.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I know.
- Shawn Spencer: [Firing Ken] Think of it like Santa Barbara is having a slow news day, but with murder and stuff.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: And like the real estate market, crime will always trend upwards.
- Shawn Spencer: The only thing we know for sure, it's going to pick up.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: And that real estate is a sound long-term investment.
- Shawn Spencer: But mostly that crime's going to pick up, and that's a guarantee.
- Shawn Spencer: Mr. Chiang, I'm the resident psychic here. My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Jonathan Jacob "Jingly" Smith.
- Arthur Chiang: You're saying his name is John Jacob "Jingleheimer" Schmidt?
- Shawn Spencer: That's correct, sir. We use to share the name. I changed mine because of all the people shouting when I went out.
- Karen Vick: I don't remember calling you, Mr. Spencer.
- Shawn Spencer: Didn't have to, Chief. This case called me.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It called collect.
- Shawn Spencer: That's right. Which was odd, because I'm also on Twitter. And the cases usually tweet me. Let's be honest, Chief, kidnapping is my thing. This case is tailor-made for a psychic.
- Karen Vick: I guess it does make a little bit of sense.
- Shawn Spencer: [to Juliet] At this point, it just feels like you're hiding at this giant post office.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's City Hall, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: We have a City Hall?
- Shawn Spencer: [Lassiter enters City Hall] And just what are you doing here?
- Carlton Lassiter: [Lying about coming to see Juliet] The mayor asked to see me.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Clearly we don't believe that.
- Carlton Lassiter: You're free to believe what you want.
- Shawn Spencer: Please don't say that to Gus. Now he'll just tell you that Michael Jackson isn't dead.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He learned how to fake his dead from Lisa Marie.
- Shawn Spencer: Which implies that Elvis is still alive.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Elvis died two years ago. Is there no end to your gullibility? I told you that two years ago. He was a cashier in a shoe shop, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: No, Gus, no. No. I'm not having this conversation with you now or ever.
- Carlton Lassiter: Way to go, Spencer. You are not on this case.
- Shawn Spencer: What? Lassie, we've clearly crossed a threshold. Tomorrow, we should wear matching jumpsuits, nay, T-shirts. I'll be Thing 1, you be Thing 2.
- Shawn Spencer: Wait, before you go, one question. Who would counterfit a 50-cent piece? Hong Kong. Nine-seventy-eight dynasty.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [correcting pronunciation] 1978.
- Shawn Spencer: Ooh, that makes so much more sense.
- Carlton Lassiter: You can't seriously tell me you think the Triads are involved in this?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Triads?
- Shawn Spencer: Athletes.
- Carlton Lassiter: Chinese gangs.
- Shawn Spencer: Athletic gangs of Chinese men.
- Carlton Lassiter: Very serious gangs.
- Shawn Spencer: How do we speak with these Triads?
- Carlton Lassiter: You don't speak with them. They're an underground society.
- Shawn Spencer: You're saying I need to make an appointment.
- Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, look, there are different gangs within the Triads. What are we talking about? Are we talking about the Golden Triad? The Dragon Triad?
- Shawn Spencer: Regular. I think we're primarily interested in medium. Venti.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Venti is large.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, then not venti. We'll speak with both gangs.
- Carlton Lassiter: No. Spencer you will stay away from these people. They are legitimately dangerous, and those two gangs have been on the verge of war for years. Now, if you'll excuse me, the free information train has left the station. You'll just have to figure it all out for yourself.
- Shawn Spencer: Please. Like we can't do that.