Peep Show (TV Series)

Nether Zone (2010)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jeremy Usborne : If you had to, would you have sex with me?

  Mark Corrigan : It's a stupid question.

  Jeremy Usborne : If you had to? If the men came and they made us, with their guns?

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, I don't know. I suppose... maybe I could do it, just so long as you didn't...

  Jeremy Usborne : What?

  Mark Corrigan : Enjoy it. I think maybe I could make it through, as long as I knew you weren't enjoying it.

  Jeremy Usborne : Hang on, you're saying you could rape me but you couldn't make love to me? That is so you. That is you all over.

• Jeremy Usborne : Has it never occurred to you that two human beings of the opposite gender could have a simple human relationship without sex being involved? You think you know me so well, but you don't.

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, you once told me that chairs make you feel horny.

• Jeremy Usborne : [on the phone to Mark]  What are you doing in a phone box? Have you put a farthing in the slot?

  [to Zahra] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Hey, Mark's in a phone box?

  Zahra : Is it an ironic thing?

  Jeremy Usborne : Are you doing it ironically?

  Mark Corrigan : No, I've simply got rid of my mobile.

  Jeremy Usborne : You've what? Oh my God, this is massive! What are you gonna do next, move into a hut and start drinking your own piss?

  Mark Corrigan : We've got a landline. Times are hard, Jeremy. I'm putting my clarinet on ebay, I'm making my own hummus. This is the end times, a mobile's a luxury.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah, right! What if I need to contact you? What if I take a mega-trip and forget who I am? What if we run out of Marmite and you're at the corner shop? These are all real-life nightmare scenarios.

• [Mark and Jeremy are trapped in the hallway of a house] 

  Jeremy Usborne : 'Suppose we do need to get out of here quite soon, before the air supply runs out.

  Mark Corrigan : What?

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, in here, the air supply's gonna run out sooner or later.

  [Mark looks at him] 

  Jeremy Usborne : What? I'm not an idiot - why does that make me an idiot?

• [Mark is sticking his arm through the front door letterbox] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Are you posting yourself out piece by piece?

  Mark Corrigan : I'm trying to catch the light with my watch face, send out an SOS, morse code. A passer-by might notice it.

  Jeremy Usborne : Uh-huh. Maybe you'll attract a naval captain who'll come and rescue us in his frigate.

• Jeremy Usborne : We need to relax.

  Mark Corrigan : You can't relax! We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear!

  Jeremy Usborne : Why?

  Mark Corrigan : Because it's an emergency, and in an emergency you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans, you don't sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM!

  Jeremy Usborne : Dude, we're here for the duration. Let's chill out.

  Mark Corrigan : We're have an obligation to be anxious, it's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation!

• [Jeremy is relieving himself through the letterbox] 

  Mark Corrigan : You're actually doing it?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yes, I'm actually doing it!

  Mark Corrigan : God, Jeremy! What if someone outside thinks it's some sort of comment? I hope there's no black or minority ethnic person walking past who thinks it's...

  Jeremy Usborne : Mark, it's a perfectly friendly piss, I'm not...

  [he sees someone coming through the frosted door window and jumps back] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, shit! Withdraw all units!

  [whispers] 

  Jeremy Usborne : If it's the cops, don't open the door.

  Mark Corrigan : I can't open the door, Jeremy. That's one of the key things about this whole situation.

  [a man wearing a motorbike helmet knocks on the door. The pizza that Jeremy ordered has arrived] 

  Pizza Delivery Man : Pizza.

  Jeremy Usborne : Pizza! Nutritious, delicious pizza!

  Mark Corrigan : How's he supposed to deliver it through a locked door?

  Jeremy Usborne : I've thought about that.

  [to the pizza delivery man] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Uh, just slide that baby through the letterbox, dude.

  Mark Corrigan : Of course, the letterbox. Your new pleasure portal.

  Pizza Delivery Man : It won't fit, mate. It's a large one.

  Mark Corrigan : Defeated by your own greed. It's like a Grimm's fairytale.

  Jeremy Usborne : Piece by piece, dude. Piece by piece.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, you've got to be joking!

  Pizza Delivery Man : OK, money first.

  [Jeremy pushes some money through the letterbox] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  This is so not how I imagined the day of my first-born son's Christening.

  [the pizza man pushes a slice through the letterbox, but it has a draft-preventing brush which is scraping off all the topping] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, shit, no! The brush! Dude, dude, we're getting fucked with the brush!

  [disappointedly looks at his topping-free pizza slice] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Do you want some?

  Mark Corrigan : A slice of bristly, cheese-free pizza, lightly brushed in your piss? How can I refuse?

  Jeremy Usborne : What happens if you eat letterbox hair?

  Mark Corrigan : Strangely there's been very little research into that scenario.

  Jeremy Usborne : Does post even need brushing? Who wants brushed post?

  [notices some post on a table and picks up a magazine in a plastic packet] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Hang on, dude, I've got it! I've got a sheath.

  [he pushes it through the letterbox] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Use this as a protective covering.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Look at him, the James Dyson of pissy pizza.

  [the pizza man pushes the magazine back through the letterbox, folded with a slice of pizza sandwiched in it] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah... Hey Mark, it's working! We've cracked it!

  [takes a bite of pizza] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Mmm. We should sell these. Periodical pizza shields. We could take these to the Dragons!

  Mark Corrigan : We'll make our fortune. This is a situation millions of people find themselves in every day. There's no name for this situation, it's so unusual!

• Mark Corrigan : [picking up a phone]  Right, what's Sophie's mobile number? 07700, that's definitely how it starts...

  Jeremy Usborne : You can do it, Rain Man.

  Mark Corrigan : 07700... 900563? I think that's right. It's ringing, it's ringing! Hello?

  [he hangs up] 

  Mark Corrigan : It's not her, it was a man.

  Jeremy Usborne : Try again. Try all the variations.

  Mark Corrigan : Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah. There can only be a few variations.

  Mark Corrigan : Of all the numbers?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah.

  Mark Corrigan : You really are an imbecile, aren't you?