- Claire Dunphy: Luke, sweetie, are you wearing cologne?
- Luke Dunphy: No. Dad attacked the perfume guy and then hugged me.
- Cameron Tucker: What else does it say?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Reading from parenting blog] Well, this one says 'When my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried, but she never bit again. Smiley face.'
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay. 'I waterboarded our toddler, LOL.'
- Phil Dunphy: It's Dunphy. Dunphy!
- Jay Pritchett: That's what I said, Dumphy.
- Phil Dunphy: Not Dum, dun. Dunphy.
- Jay Pritchett: Dumphy.
- Phil Dunphy: Say Dun.
- Jay Pritchett: Dun.
- Phil Dunphy: Say Phy.
- Jay Pritchett: Phy.
- Phil Dunphy: Dunphy.
- Jay Pritchett: Dumphy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, I don't get it. Why is she biting? Lily, why are you biting?
- Cameron Tucker: She's not biting, she's teething.
- Mitchell Pritchett: On people! All right, if she starts biting her playdates, she's gonna be a pariah.
- Cameron Tucker: Try 'piranha'.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Really, Cam?
- Cameron Tucker: It was right there.
- Cameron Tucker: [singing] Take a bite of an apple / Take a bite of a pear / Take a bite of the cookie that you left over there / Here's one thing you should never do / Don't bite Taylor or Brandon or Sue / Because people aren't food / People aren't food / Your friends will run away / If they're scared of being chewed / And as a side note, private parts are private.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Claire, I didn't come here to steal your thunder. Your thunder is your thunder and my thunder is my thunder.
- Claire Dunphy: I know, it's just that God gave you so much thunder.
- Claire Dunphy: So the kids are gonna be here in two hours, so
- [claps]
- Claire Dunphy: everybody back to work!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Claps] Everybody back to work!
- Claire Dunphy: I just said that.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And I just co-said it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: 'Ay, look, this might work.
- Manny Delgado: Well, except that it's turquoise. Oh, and a bra!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Do you think the kids in my village have pocket squares?
- Manny Delgado: Here we go with the village.
- Claire Dunphy: Is this because I wouldn't come to the dance with you? Gus, I'm a married woman. People would talk.
- Gus: One dance with me, you'd forget all about it.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah, I already have a husband who doesn't fix lights.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's time to play everyone's favorite game.
- Cameron Tucker: Let's Blame the Gay Dads.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You know who had straight parents? Adolf Hitler.
- Cameron Tucker: Charles Manson.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Shall we go on?
- Cameron Tucker: Naomi Campbell.
- Claire Dunphy: The school asks for volunteers so that everyone will feel included. But who are they kidding? They want me to do it. I've put on every school dance since Haley was 12. It's my thing.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: They made us cochairs, which means we're supposed to do everything together. But Claire won't take any of my ideas.
- Claire Dunphy: She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon?